Pantalett. A Romance of Sheheland (2024)

WILLIAM MILL BUTLER
WRITING AS
MRS. J. WOOD

A ROMANCE OF SHEHELAND

For woman is not undeveloped man,
But diverse: could we make her as the man
Sweet love were slain. —Tennyson

"A satire, in the form of fiction,
directed against the woman's rights movement."
The Publishers' Weekly, 19 August 1882.

First published by
The American News Company, New York,
Wright American Fiction Series, Vol. 3, #6064, 1882

This e-book edition: Roy Glashan's Library, 2019
Version Date: 2019-06-27
Produced by Keith Emmett and Roy Glashan

All original content added by RGL is protected by copyright.

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SYNOPSIS

1882 (Wood. Mrs. J.). Pantaletta: a Romance of Sheheland. New York: American News.

In this dystopian, misogynistic gender-role reversal satire, General Icarus Byron Gullible searches for the North Pole and accidentally discovers Sheheland and the Republic of Petticotia—a society which, due to the granting of equal rights to women, is now composed of effete, enslaved males ("Heshes"), and dominant females ("Shehes") who smoke, drink, and secretly hunger for the attentions of an old-fashioned, "manly" man. Gullible is first arrested as a spy, but, thanks to his machismo and the longings of the man-hungry females, he eventually reinstates the "natural" order of things.

— Darby Lewes, "Gynotopia: A Checklist Of Nineteenth-Century Utopias By American Women," Legacy, University of Nebraska Press, Fall 1989.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The following article was taken from The Historical Record Of Wyoming Valley, Vol. 1 (1886-1887), 1897, p. 85

WILLIAM MILL BUTLER.
SKETCH OF A FORMER WILKES-BARRE JOURNALIST
WHO IS WINNING HIS WAY TO FAME.

The Rochester correspondent of the BuffaloExpress, gives the following sketch of William Mill Butler,a former well-known journalist of this city:

Few men are better known in this city and fewjournalists in this State than William Mill Butler, who has had acareer allotted to him the like of which probably no one in hisprofession has ever experienced. Very little of his life has everbeen made public, although the Journalist has had one ortwo articles about him. At a very early age Mr. Butler becamefully acquainted with the hard lot in life awaiting him. He wasbut little over eight years old when he was sent to work in acoal-breaker.

At six he had already been taught by his motherto read German and English. At twelve he went to work in themines. For two years he lived an under-ground life, gaining anexperience which I understand will be found portrayed in a novelwhich he has nearly completed. At fourteen, in January, 1872, hemet the fate of so many of the workers in the mines, being runover and crushed by a loaded car. After some weeks he recoveredand returned to work in the mines but in a few days brokedown.

A relative took him to Canada, where he was sentto school. He was clerk, book-keeper and cashier for a time, andbegan verse-writing. His contributions brought him to the noticeof Mr. B.H. Pratt, then city editor of the Scranton DailyTimes. The result was that he entered the employ of thatpaper. He conducted the Wilkes-Barre department of theScranton Times for over six months. He became cityeditor of the Wilkes-Barre Daily Record, but overworkedhimself and again broke down. In March, 1877, he became localeditor of the Galt, Ont., Reformer, acting ascorrespondent for the Hamilton, (Ont.) Daily Spectator,and contributing humorous articles and verses to Grip,the Canadian Puck. Returning to Pennsylvania in June,1878, he was placed in charge of the BerwickIndependent.

In 1879 he began the satire Pantaletta,the authorship of which has never before been divulged. In thatyear he became a member of the staff of the EveningExpress in this city. He has since held various positions onthe Rochester press.

He wrote a hoax concerning an alleged case incourt, in which the details were given of the trial andconviction of a young lady for wearing a high hat at the theatreand obstructing the view of a spectator. So circ*mstantial wasthe sketch that it deceived hundreds of people who flocked to thecourt-house next day to hear Miss Viola Weatherwax sentenced. Itcaused a sensation throughout the country. Even as experienced ajournalist as James Foster Coates, of New York, telegraphed forparticulars. And away out in Kansas City two lawyers got into adispute over the facts in the case, winding up with a wager,which was duly decided by a member of the Rochester bar, who wasapplied to in writing.

For some months he has given his time mainly toliterary work. He is compiling a dramatic dictionary, publishesthe Pythian Knight, and is writing a play and anovel.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

CHAPTER I.

General Gullible begins his Narrative in anAutobiographical Vein—After some Commonplace Vicissitudeswith the Pen, he takes up the Sword for a Season and provesHimself a Thirster after Corporeal, as well as Intellectual,Gore.

BORN of parents who were distinguished for their honestyas well as their wealth, there fell to the lot of Icarus ByronGullible—myself—many advantages which a very largeproportion of mankind dispenses with, resignedly or otherwise,from day to day and from generation to generation.

I was blessed with an ideal home, a kind-hearted father, afond mother, a beautiful sister. All the comforts and innocentenjoyments which spring up at the utterance of that magic word,money, as well as such pleasures as are derived from a sunny,unselfish disposition and a keen appreciation of the humorous,gradually came within my range. Above all, a robust health whichmade existence doubly desirable was mine from the moment I setlife's machinery in motion with my first cry.

But, alas, notwithstanding all these manifest favors ofheaven—heir to a brilliant business future, had I sodesired it—I was gifted with instincts which, as I grewolder, were regarded with grave apprehension by my parents andwith proper horror by my sister and her aristocratic intimates.Upon the subject of a career I had but two ideas in my head (manyhave less during a lifetime, be it said to my comfort): one wasto become an aerial navigator and mount from earth to heaven; theother, to become a newspaper king and pass judgment upon theworld from day to day. So absorbed was I in these images of mybrain that insensibly they became wishes, warring with each otherfor supremacy.

After graduating at college, I frankly acquainted my parentswith my perplexity in deciding upon a vocation.

"Ah, Fernando, dear, there is that unhappy family trait ofyours coming to the surface more strongly than ever," said mymother, with tears in her eyes, when closeted with her lord. "Asa dutiful wife I shall not reproach you, but the breaking of myheart began when you named our boy Icarus. Nay, forgive me if Ido not express myself with more regard for your feelings, dearhusband, but when I learned the meaning of that name—theunfortunate fable connected with it—I was deeply pained,and I have been still more deeply pained each time I havediscovered in our son's disposition an inclination to carry outall that Icarus implies. Oh, I can see him, flying toward thesun—his wings falling off as the wax which at first heldthem on melts away—the terrible sea beneath ready toreceive him! Will you not rather relieve him of the means offlight before he soars away and is lost to us forever?"

My father promised that the wings of the ambitious goslingshould be plucked out, even by the roots.

"As for the other visitation—the editorial visitation,"continued my mother, "I can accept it—you can acceptit—as an alternative. You know, my dear, a literary career,if successful, is not absolutely disgraceful."

My sire stifled a sigh for the tastes of his ancestors whichknew no palliation.

"There was my paternal grandmother: you remember the rareliterary talent she possessed," my mother went on. "Her 'Ode to aNecrophore, or Sexton-Beetle,' is ranked among the finest of itskind in English poetry, and has won for her a deserved niche inthe Encyclopedia; while the exquisite humor of her 'Maid who WeptBecause She Could Not Weep,' has frequently been commented upon.Dear grandmother, if she had only been a man and thus escaped theodium of being a 'blue-stocking.'"

"And you the happiness of being born," added my father, with arueful attempt at pleasantry.

"My love, you are an insufferable humorist," said my mother,with a melancholy smile. "The dear old soul was not only a poet,"she continued, "but a novelist as well. I sometimes fear that therange of her intellect was altogether too wide. For a luridlygenial sensationalism, which soothed while it frightened, herstories were unexcelled. How much comfortable and comparativelyinexpensive horror her fifty-three volumes provided for thoseromantic souls whose pulses throbbed in unison with hers, I amnot prepared even to estimate. Fifty-three works! and she mighthave produced I know not how many more, had not death paralyzedher pen, at a ripe old age. Why may Byron" (she disdained to callme Icarus), "not win distinction, therefore, in a somewhatsimilar direction, if follow his journalistic inclinations hemust—spreading before thousands a daily banquet ofexcitement—fattening his readers upon horrors, so to speak?As a matter of course I should feel far happier were he to choosehis father's honored calling. Banking is not only refined andaristocratic, but comfortable. We will therefore make anothereffort with the dear child—just one, Fernando, before wegive our final consent."

"My boy, think twice before you decide," said my father, atthe breakfast-table, mechanically figuring sums of interest uponthe gilt-edged cup from which he sipped his fragrant Mocha. "If,after all our present arguments, it is still your solemnconviction that you cannot, will not become a financier, we willestablish you as a journalist. But reflect, my son, that yourfuture will be what you make it. I have found great satisfactionin digging for the so-called Root of Evil—I will not saythat you cannot be equally happy in the pursuit of anothercherished ambition. You are free, therefore, to choose betweenfinance and the press."

The pleading eyes of my mother and my sister appealed to me invain. With a firmness that astonished even myself, and a sigh formy twin passion which I now saw dissolving like a vapor in mid-air, relinquished forever, I chose journalism.

Thus I was made proprietor of a new journal in our westernmetropolis and took rank as an editor. In other words, I became adaily bather in the waters of tribulation, and a devout reader ofthe third chapter of Job.

I soon discovered that the founding of a great newspaper is anachievement of which a Titan might well feel proud, and that I,far from being a journalistic Titan, was but a raw collegevisionary who placed too much faith in theories and abstractwisdom. The day dawned all too soon upon which the Sheriff paidme an official visit.

With the daily went down the last remnant of our familyfortune, a run upon the bank, a few days previous, having pavedthe way for final disaster. My heart-broken, once so proud-spirited, parents did not long survive the blow. My dashingsister narrowly escaped a similar fate by marrying a Count whomshe had dazzled at the foreign legation in Paris (foreignlegations, it may be remarked in parenthesis, are chiefly notedfor furnishing titled paupers with the sport known as Americanheiress-hunting). The wedding ceremony had scarcely beenconcluded when my father's ruin was cabled to the commercialcenters of Europe and caused poetic justice to overtake myexalted brother-in-law, whom I have never seen to this day.

I wandered to the national capital and called upon theillustrious representative whose election to office had been oneof my last newspaper tasks. I found him in comfortable, not tosay luxurious, circ*mstances, to my inexpressible relief; for,having been instrumental in thrusting him into office, as itwere, I felt in a measure responsible for his welfare.

Strange to relate, however, he had acquired what was known asa conveniently absent memory—a valuable article in theoutfit of statesmen, I was subsequently informed. When Iacquainted him with the change in my fortunes, he deplored thethreatened shortness of the wheat crop. When I confessed that Icoveted a clerkship, he almost wept because the peach-blossomshad suffered uncommonly from spring frosts, and added somethingabout vineyards and the phylloxera. These slothful unaverteddisasters he generously promised to hurl into the teeth of hispolitical opponents during the coming debate, as proofincontrovertible that the country was fast progressingcanineward.

I fled.

Through the kindness of an eccentric but influential New Yorkjournalist, who, notwithstanding his rough exterior, had notcaught the prevailing fashion of turning the cold shoulder uponhis fellow-men, I was rescued from my dilemma. He secured for mea position in which, after two years of dogged toil, I wasrewarded with another smile from the sphinx-like face of Fortune.I stood under a floral marriage-bell, and held by the hand anaccomplished and handsome bride—one who was not only ofgood family, but had an ample fortune. My friends congratulatedme and marvelled at my luck.

I will pass with a few bounds over the next twenty years of myexistence. Five years of marital felicity brought us to thefiring of the initial gun upon Sumter. As a loyal citizen, adescendant of New England patriots, it behooved me to fashion mypen into that sword which for four years I kept unsheathed uponthe battlefields of my bleeding country. Retiring from theservice at the close of the war with the rank of general, and anumber of scars of which it would be indelicate to make more thanpassing mention, I once more embarked in a newspaper enterpriseby establishing the Millionsport Monitor, weekly, at twodollars per annum, strictly in advance.

CHAPTER II.

General Gullible Discloses certain Factsconcerning his Father's Illustrious Lineage, and thereby FullyAccounts for his own Lamentable Aeronautic Tastes—TheMystery in the Garret of the Monitor Office—What Ten Yearsof Silent Labor Brought Forth.

UPON my father's side I am a lineal descendant of thecelebrated French family of Montgolfier, whose bright particularstar—one Jacques Étienne—had the honor of firstinventing air-balloons and of founding the noble science ofaerostatics. This practical apostle of progress lived a life ofgaseous usefulness until 1799. Our branch of the family was notin France at that time, but this fact did not prevent its membersfrom indulging the trait on account of which the name has claimedthe attention of posterity. It is recorded that upon the very daythat Étienne, assisted by his brother, sent up his first hot-airexperiment, a fifth cousin of his, on our side, gallantly brokehis neck by falling from a new kind of parachute with which heattempted to descend from a church steeple. By mentioning thesematters of family history I shall unlock to the world the secretof my much-lamented flying mania.

It is a sufficiently obvious fact that the illustrious name ofMontgolfier has not descended to me in all its native purity, butrather in a form which its original owner might hardly recognize.But this is explicable. The name made its way to England shortlyafter the War of the Roses, in the person of one Antoine HenriMontgolfier, who came, saw, and was conquered by a Britishbeauty. We must not lose sight of the name, however. Theinhabitants of our mother island—displaying the samegentleness with which they once met the minions of Caesar in thesurf—soon lopped off its beautiful head and changed it toGolfier. The next transformation, many years afterwards, was toGollifer, and finally it became Gulliver. In the last-named formit emigrated to America, and here capped the climax by resolvingitself into the still more idiomatic, Gullible. Learnedphilologists who make the derivation of names and other words astudy, will recognize the beauty and naturalness of thisdeduction.

I will also explain here, what I might have done before, thatmy scheme of establishing the Monitor (named in honor of ourfamous ironclad) was but a cloak which concealed a deeper design.The trait whose history I have briefly outlined had not remaineddormant all these years. How often, alas, when walking under theclear blue sky, had my eyes turned wistfully to the empyrean! Mythoughts dwelt there, alike at home among the surging crowds, inthe stillness of the park, or on the torrid march in southernclimes where I had more than once looked up through the bullet-storm and hoped for death, in order that my spirit might roamwhere my body, as yet, could not. But these were only vagaries,and when they had passed away, I was glad that I was spared. Ihad my plans, and was slowly maturing them. The Monitor was acompromise between my two inherited instincts. This model countryweekly was projected upon the most approved plan, a huge pair ofshears being installed as by far the most diligent member of mystaff. Thus I was enabled to devote the greater portion of mytime to the solution of a fascinating problem upon which my heartwas set, and which I fondly hoped would shed additional lusterupon the aeronautic family of which I was a humbledescendent.

When but a little child I often pored wisely over a well-thumbed copy of Old Mother Goose, which had a peculiarlyattractive illustration upon the title page. It is familiar toall—a quaint old woman, perched upon the back of a whitegander, riding through the air. It was in those hours of sunshinethat a first inkling of my great scheme must have come to me.Then again, during boyhood, the marvellous flights of Münchausen,between the wings of an eagle, and the aerial journeys of otherdaring voyagers who were generally picked up at random by thebills of flying prodigies, caused me no end of speculation. Theserious objections to these modes of travel did not fail toimpress themselves upon me, in time. In the first place, thetraveler was compelled to remain outside, exposed to all the furyof the elements. Secondly, the day of starting upon a journey,the destination, and the time of arrival, were too vague anduncertain. Thirdly, these animated conveyances were subject tohunger, thirst and fatigue during their flight, and might at anytime command the passenger to hew off one of his limbs, for food,on pain of being dashed to death. But, notwithstanding thesedangers, I frequently yearned for the opportunity to try even sorugged an experiment, secreting myself for days in a lonely dellin the vain hope that a monster might snatch me up in its talonsand bear me into the clouds.

Nothing remained, therefore, but to invent a bird againstwhich no objections could be urged—a winged messenger whichcould laugh at those now pitiful contrivances called balloons,which are the sport of every breath from heaven, and theplaythings of clouds. Meteorology, chemistry and mechanics, asapplied to aerostation, had been my favorite studies at collegeas well as during the leisure hours of my subsequent life. Afterthe birth of the Monitor I secured the cooperation of eminent menof science, brother inventors and practical engineers, who weresoon as completely absorbed as I in my magnificent project.Patiently we experimented, toiled and hoped, meeting only atnight, for prudential reasons; and for ten years an impenetrablemystery enshrouded the upper story of the building from which theMonitor shed its benign influence fifty-one times a year. Not asoul save those entrusted with the secret and bound by aFreemason-like silence, ever crossed the threshold of ourworkshop. After surmounting many disheartening failures, success,as it always does, at last crowned our efforts, and theAmerican Eagle was the result.

It is no uncommon thing for inventors, whose inventions areprotected by letters patent, to give elaborate descriptions oftheir successes, but as a patent has not yet been applied for, inmy case, I am constrained to be more guarded. A few generalremarks upon the appearance of my Bird of Freedom—I hadchosen the eagle form for scientific as well as patrioticreasons—may not prove injudicious, however; and the natureof its motive power I may also disclose with safety, for thepirate who could produce an imitation is yet unborn.

I shall sound no unfamiliar name when I mention the KillyeMotor, that dazzling invention which burst upon the world in allits audacity but a few years ago, and filled the speculative mindwith dreams more visionary than those which trouble my friendColonel Sellers. It is perhaps even now loudly boasted in Americathat the little giant is about to revolutionize all known methodsof artificial locomotion. This it may do, but not atpresent—not before I give my permission. The truth is, Ihave induced the benevolent president of the Motor company topart with the essence of his invention—the demonstration.By our contract, which antedates all other obligations on hispart, he reserved the right to continue his practice of sellingstock and making promises.

The Killye Motor (improved), then, propels the machinery ofthe American Eagle. The length of this curious bird isas many feet as there are States in the Union. The wings, whenoutspread, exceed its length by about four-tenths. The body isextremely well proportioned, and its interior is perfectly air-tight. A door in the right side admits the voyager to a brace ofapartments, both neatly furnished. The first chamber, frontingupon the breast, is semicircular in form. Among the articles itcontains is a perfect fountain of life—an apparatus whichsupplies fresh oxygen and destroys the carbonic acid gas thrownoff by the lungs, enabling me to navigate the higher regions ofthe atmosphere with comfort, nay, making even a journey intoairless space possible. Next in importance ranks the uniquewarming machine, designed to counteract the frost of the coldestknown regions. The heat is produced by a secret process and canbe regulated at pleasure and distributed equally in theapartments. Besides these things the room contains all manner ofscientific instruments and chemicals. The windows, for thepurpose of obtaining light and making observations, are ample,and consist of heavy plate glass. The second, or rear chamber,contains all the necessaries of life, fuel, oil and otherarticles indispensable for a long journey. The uninhabitedportions of the Eagle, consisting of at least two-thirdsof the space covered by its skin, is filled with a new, powerfuland hitherto unapplied gas, which would suffice, unaided by themotor-driven wings, to counteract terrestrial gravitation. Theouter surface, or skin, of the bird is of a texture which wasspecifically chosen because it would not allow the rarest gas toescape, and moreover could defy the gathering moisture from theclouds, thus enabling me to dispense with the alternatedischarges of ballast and gas which usually bankrupt the flightof balloons.

Taken all in all, the craft, when finished, was indeed aprodigy of human ingenuity—if there is any egotism in theremark, I apologize for it. Well might one of my colleagues say,"A more perfect bird never cleaved the ocean of space."

CHAPTER III.

General Gullible's Memorable MidnightDeparture—The American Eagle flaps its Wings in the ArcticRegions—Lost, and Drifting Whither?

DEATHLESS, with all its agonies of hope and fear, itssolemn sorrow and wild exultation, will the last night of mysojourn on earth remain. It was midnight on the first day ofsummer proper, in the year eighteen hundred and seventy-five. Iarose from my sleepless couch, as the hour drew nigh, impressed alast kiss upon the brow of my slumbering wife, kissed also myunconscious children, and then glided like a phantom from ourhappy home.

In the apartment where the Eagle reposed in all itspristine glory, my colleagues waited for me in feverishexpectancy, while the well-fed kerosene torches threw a luridlight upon the scene.

Five minutes to twelve o'clock and all was in readiness forthe start. As I stepped among them one youthful enthusiast threwhimself at my feet and begged for leave to accompany me. This wascontrary to our compact, however, and firmly, yet gently, I wasforced to repulse him.

After giving my final instructions, and reminding all of oursolemn agreement, I took personal leave of each trusted andhonored co-worker and entered my apartment in the Eagle.The air-tight door was closed, the cables were cut, and thebuoyant craft ascended through the opened roof. Once out in theclear, still summer air, I touched the secret spring connectedwith the motor and its invisible machinery, whereupon the greatwings expanded and with several enormous flaps lifted the gallantair-ship upward and onward into space. The secret of steering layin the rudder-like tail, which, by means of a lever, was pulledin whatever direction I desired to go.

The wonderful success with which my initial flight wasaccomplished—the grandeur of my new situation—raisedmy feelings almost to the pitch of madness. The first frenzy ofjoy over, I made an effort to calm myself. I turned my thoughtsto the world that was fast receding from me in the inky darkness(for there was no moon). I prayed that my loved ones should becomforted in their hours of weary watching for him who mightnever return.

The American Eagle was making rapid progress. I gazedupon the bright dial of the speed indicator as one in a dream.Hours had passed, perhaps, when a small voice startled me byexclaiming:

"Man, man, oh, trivial heir to great presumption, embowelledin destruction, does not the whirlwind of its pinions alreadyroar thy death song? Return! Return! for why wilt thou ride inthe same chariot with death?"

"I am a searcher for a region which centers in the Arcticcircle—I seek the North Pole, where the mystery ofcenturies awaits solution!" That was my reply, as I glared aboutme in search of the hidden scoffer. "In company with death,indeed! Come forth, base craven, and I will convince you that Iam as safe as an infant in his cradle!" But nothing came of mychallenge. I was alone.

By the narration of the foregoing incident the full importanceof my undertaking is made clear. I would not only fly, but turnmy flight to practical account and stop the further sacrifice ofheroic lives by polar expeditions. My voyage was to be kept asecret for ten years, unless I succeeded in my undertaking beforethe expiration of that time. In the event of a message from methat I had discovered land at the Pole, my comrades were at onceto patent my invention and organize a company, with a capital often million dollars, for the manufacture of a line ofEagle air-ships. These were to carry all kinds ofpassengers to the new American possessions, at remunerativerates. Then should be unlocked to the gaze of my countrymen theparadise in which bald-headed Eternity had lain napping so longwhile, amid green fields and murmuring brooks, wild birds fedundisturbedly upon wonderful cereals which are found in the cropsof those that stray southward and are shot by veracioussailors.

When morning came and mother earth shook off her coverlet offog, I guided the Eagle downward, in order to obtain myfirst bird's-eye view of our common parent. How my heart throbbedwhen through my glass I beheld her verdant countenance, and knewthat the dream of my life was realized at last!

The Bird of Freedom was skimming over the northern portion ofthe Canadian peninsula, between the great lakes, and had kept itscourse with marvellous accuracy.

Rising again, in order to escape observation, I turned myattention to the illimitable plains of blue. On, on we went,earth again fading away in the clouds.

During my waking hours, when not occupied in writing, orattending to the various pieces of apparatus, or in observing theheavens, I devoted myself to literature. Among the treasuredvolumes I had brought with me I found many numbers of theCongressional Record, and with these I beguiled the tediousnessof many an hour when tired of duller reading. The witty speechesof our statesmen were my especial delight. Who could withstandthe humor of those passages marked "[laughter]" and "[loud andcontinued laughter]"? Who could fail to see the necessity of"[applause]" and "[tremendous applause]"?

Next morning I passed the extreme eastern portion of HudsonBay. In the evening a violent storm came upon me from the west. Imight have escaped the encounter by a lengthy upward flight, butin my eagerness to test the endurance of the Eagle I didnot take the precaution. I turned and faced the furious gust. Theresult was terrible. The Eagle quivered from beak totail. The machinery worked bravely, but it was impossible tomaintain even a stationary position. I decreased the motor'sworking pressure and allowed myself to be carried rapidlyeastward.

When the storm had abated, next day, I beheld what I judged tobe Iceland, lying at my feet. The Eagle had been blown,without sustaining any injuries, transversely over the Atlanticand the southern portion of Greenland. After some maneuvering Isighted Reykjavik and fixed my helm due north. No doubt the earlyrisers of the capital viewed me—or rather theEagle—through their telescopes, for I descendedquite low. The Daily Framfari may subsequently havegiven a description of the strange phenomenon which faded fromview as suddenly as it appeared.

During the next two days I occasionally refreshed myself withdraughts from the Congressional Record, and had I not forgottento bring with me my Agricultural reports my happiness might havebeen complete. Two nights in succession I slept soundly, when lo!a revolution, such as man had never before experienced, stared mein the face.

The extreme cold necessitated the constant use of my heatingapparatus. Every time I descended leagues of glistening ice,furrowed by mountains and glaciers, stretched before myastonished eyes. Here and there a polar bear who had wanderedfrom the open sea sat upon his haunches and stared stupidly atthe intruder above.

It was upon the morning of the fifth day, when I could withdifficulty keep the frost from forming fantastic figures upon thewindows, that I beheld the sight which communicated stiffness tomy hair and caused me to turn, like a doomed mariner, from humanaid to that on high.

I had in my time beheld Niagara at midnight. From its parapetsI had viewed the blurred disc of the moon through vapors whichspoke the anguish of falling waters. I had looked down into theblack depths beneath the falls, where sullen roar battled withsullen roar, while moaned the waves which daily gnash their whiteteeth against the rocks. I had gazed into that monster basinuntil its majestic gloom caused me to imagine that evil spiritsof bygone centuries revelled in its air. I had stood upon thebrink of Etna's crater, in a storm whose birth was farthestremoved from noon, and heard the hoarse thunder bellow in thefearful caverns until the rugged edges cracked and crumbled andthe chasm seemed filled with blaspheming demons of the netherworld. All this—but never before had I beheld a sight whichcould compare with the present one.

Below me, apparently boundless in diameter, rolled the gulf ofgulfs. Its mysterious depths were not entirely black, butglistened part white, all horrible. With companions to share myamazement, I should perhaps have felt like Satan and his crewupon discovering the Miltonic hell.

My hand trembled when I attempted to steer the Eagleback to safety—my head swam—my senses seemed toforsake me—I knew not what I did—my air-ship wasdiving head-foremost into the howling wilderness of spacebelow!

Was it jugglery? Had I, after all, turned about and notdescended? And was I even now retracing my course through theArctic regions? Or was I lost?

I recalled, with no particular pleasure, the warning voicewhich I had so defiantly silenced at the outset of myjourney.

I tried in vain to catch a glimpse of the heavenlybodies—I missed even the Aurora Borealis.

My eyes did not close in sleep; all night, according to mywatch, and all next day, I drifted I knew not whither—likea new Mahomet—onward to the great No-land, or perhaps toeternity.

CHAPTER IV.

General Gullible discovers what he supposesare the Western Shores of the Atlantic—He lands in a newEden—The American Eagle and its Owner attacked, overpoweredand crushed to Earth.

AFTER two more days of random flight stretches of opensea again became visible in the enormous fields of ice, andindications of land appeared here and there. In one of thestraits half-a-score of slowly-sportive whales were enjoyingtheir huge existence. The temperature, too, had gradually risenand, taking all these thing into consideration, I becameconvinced that I was going southward.

Upon the morning of the eighth day since my departure fromhome I found myself above a vast body of water, bearing to myhungry eyes a close resemblance to our boisterous Atlantic.

Assuming that it must be that ocean, I veered to the right inorder to reach the eastern coast of America, from whence, mybearings once more established, I intended to make another effortto reach the Pole.

Another half-a-day and, like a second Columbus, I discoveredland in the west. But I was sorely puzzled by its shape; as faras my instruments allowed my vision to range, I could not find acape or bay described in my geography.

Upon approaching the shore I began a descent, but a secondsurvey of the situation soon arrested my progress. TheEagle had been sighted and caused a great commotionamong the inhabitants. Even soldiers in uniforms wrung theirhands and indulged in unmanly gestures. Some fifty of the bravesthad gathered and were preparing to send what I judged to be hugesignal rockets against my beloved craft. Undesirous of courtingso warm a reception, I winged my flight upward and inland at theutmost speed, leaving the coast and its excited population tobreathe freely again.

I had covered less than two hundred miles when I venturedanother descent from my region of solitude. I was becoming moreand more anxious to determine what strange country, if not myown, I had strayed into, and how I might best regain the courseleading to my destination.

Judge of my surprise when I alighted upon a stretch of countrywhere I could discover no human habitation for miles in everydirection—a spot which rivalled the garden of our firstparents in beauty and fascinated me to such an extent that I didnot scruple to try the dangerous experiment of landing. I longedto feel the velvety carpet under my feet and know that it was allreality.

I accomplished my purpose by inclining the Eagle'scourse toward the ground and running the machinery at full speed,thus overcoming the buoyancy of the bird by a pressure even moreenormous than that brought to bear upon a political candidate toinduce him to accept a nomination. I might have avoided this byopening the gas-valve, but it was not my intention to waste theprecious floating power before accomplishing my mission.

Opening the door in the Eagle's side, I bounded uponthe ground and for a few moments reeled like one intoxicated, sounaccustomed to the solid earth had I become. I left theEagle to flap in a comical agony and started upon ashort ramble, wondering to myself whether, after the manner ofthe princes in the fairy tales, I should meet with anadventure.

Far and near the country lay basking—not in theafternoon sun, for I could find no blinding orb in theheavens—but in a mellow, subdued light that was like thebloom upon a ripened peach: a dreamy and poetic illumination,comfortable and refreshing in its beauty.

I was delighted with the flowers, the vines and the rich-tinted fruits which grew here in wild profusion. I listened tothe siren-throated birds which warbled in the trees; I sniffedthe odors of nature's sweet distillings with which the air wasladen.

A silvery lake was laughing to me out of a delightful greenarbor. I proceeded towards it, intent upon refreshing myself by aplunge into its limpid waters before eating of the products ofthe enchanted forest—for such the place resembled much.Before me, at some distance, bounded a herd of frightened deer,while rabbits and squirrels leaped nimbly out of my way—thelatter climbing the nut-trees and chattering a volublewelcome.

I had dived to the white-sanded bottom of the lake and swumhalf-way to the opposite shore, when a harsh noise broke upon myears. Turning about and looking through the opening among thefoliage, I beheld a dozen large hawk like birds, pouncing uponthe American Eagle and rending the air with theirshrieks of triumph.

Taking it for granted that I was the only human being in theneighborhood, I ran to the rescue in all my newly-acquiredinnocence and attempted, by means of stones and other missiles,to drive away the savages of the air.

The noise was at its height when afar off, to my discomfiture,a troop of mounted soldiers or hunters burst into view. Happilythey failed to perceive me, and, scampering off as fast as myextremities would bear me, I hurriedly dressed and returned tothe seat of war, just as the curious squad drew rein.

I have used the word curious advisedly, for the men were allbeardless, short of stature, and to my heightened imaginationbore a marvellous resemblance to the Assyrian eunuchs upon someancient bas-reliefs which had been presented to me by an easterntraveler and which made excellent imposing-stones in the Monitoroffice.

They tied their horses to the trees and approached in acautious manner, carbines in hand. While their eyes were rivetedupon the Eagle, and a number hastily made the sign ofthe cross, the leader delivered a martial oration in an unmartialvoice. From it I gathered that monsters of some sort had workedgreat devastation in the land; that a large reward was offered bythe government for their capture, dead or alive; and that my air-ship was regarded as a gigantic specimen. When the order to fireupon the Eagle was about to be given I sprang in frontof the weapons and cried out:

"Gentlemen, in the name of the United States of American Icommand you to desist and await my explanation. This is not amonster; neither is it a bird, as might be inferred from itsshape and actions, but a flying-machine. Were you to offer itviolence and cause the gas it contains to find sudden outlet, anexplosion, with serious consequences, would follow."

Their pale faces blanched a trifle more as the warriors fellback a pace or two. All stared in a strange, incongruous fashionat myself and the American Eagle.

"I am an American citizen," I continued, "an aerial navigatorwho has been plunged into chaos by an indiscriminating fate. Ihave trespassed upon your shores for the purpose of regaining mylost course, and for that purpose only. If you will assist me tothat end I shall thank you sincerely and resume an interruptedArctic journey which is of great moment to the civilizedworld."

Although we spoke the same language, much that I said wasevidently unintelligible to them and provoked unseemlylaughter.

"Poor shehe," said the leader, "her mind is diseased. Take heraway and guard her well while we dispatch the monster which iseven now preparing to attack us!"

"What," said I, exasperated beyond control, "do you callyourselves men and guardians of the peace, and come here to rob astranger in distress! Fie upon you! Despite your firearms, yourhearts are more cowardly than those of weak, defenseless women.Were there not so many knaves of you, or were I but armed, Iwould teach you what becomes a man!"

"What, a heshe?" cried all in the same breath.

"What, what, a heshe in disguise!" stormed the leader. Theyformed a semi-circle about me, with carbines levelled at myheart.

I continued my protest against the outrage and threatened toappeal my case to the nearest United States consul, when one ofthe soldiers approached and thrust a small vial under my nose,silencing me effectually. I sank upon the ground; my limbs andmuscles became paralyzed, while a sickening dread filled myheart. Strange to say, however, I was not unconscious andretained my powers of sight and hearing.

For a few minutes they debated whether to riddle theEagle with bullets or secure it by means of lassos.Their council of war was not concluded when a sharp reportreverberated on the air and a hissing sound issued from the backof the air-monarch, sending a dagger into my soul.

The seemingly imperishable material had given way, and thebulky form of the Eagle fell to the earth, inert andlifeless as its owner. Fortunately the motor-valve had beenclosed by the shock, thus suspending the action of the wings.

My captors fled as if an earthquake was upon them, executingcapers which would have put bedlam out of countenance. Sogrotesque was their confusion that, despite my loss, I felt likelaughing boisterously. But even this comfort was denied me.

CHAPTER V

Return of the Terrible BeardlessMen—Captain Pantaletta's Bloody Deed—General Gullibleis carried into ignominious Captivity—He trembles beforethe President of the Republic of Petticotia.

WHEN my enemies returned they were accompanied by asecond body of troops, also numbering about fifty men. Thereenforcements were commanded by a most singular being whor*minded me of an escaped jack-in-the-box. He was tall, angular,ugly-faced and wore his garments as the rhinoceros does his hide,loosely and without taste. In spite of all this, however, therewas something in his bearing which said, plainer than words, "Youmay regard me as eccentric, but I am not a fool." The moment heespied me he clasped his hands and advanced with eager,impassioned strides:

"Give me still another pair of eyes that I may feast my fill!It seems—yes, it is—a perfect specimen! Minions,advance," to his command, the members of which were laughing andchatting as they regarded the Eagle from a distance. "Iclaim him for myself," he continued, pointing his bony finger atme—"let no vulgar hand presume to touch what I now andhenceforth call mine own."

The leader of the company which had the honor of subduing mehere drew himself up haughtily and spoke as follows:

"Captain Pantaletta, will you oblige me by remembering thatthis is my prisoner?"

"Now by the Shah of Sheheland, you have well spoken!" snortedthe individual addressed. "Remember?—Your prisoner? I willoblige you by remembering it, and more too. I will remember thatI am your uncrowned monarch—yours and all your kind, for itwas I that had the lion's share of work in procuring youremancipation. Remember?—that I have never receivedemolument or gratitude that was not tinged with wormwood!Remember?—that they all fear me and refuse me office,because, forsooth, I am over-ambitious and revolutionary.Remember?—that I am a miserable captain in the guards, whenI should be president! Remember, finally, that when I claimsomething in which you can have no possible interest,you—also a petty officer of the guards—even youthwart my wishes!" Then turning to the soldiers, "Minions,withdraw! Ride a mile into the forest and then return, for I havesomething to say to Captain Pouter which has been upon my mindfor many days, and I would not whisper it before you. Withdraw, Isay, and let the others bear you company."

"Pantaletta, you would not kill me," said Captain Pouter, whohad grown ashen pale while the troops departed; "I know you arestronger and more deft at swords than I."

"You will abandon all claims to the prisoner, then," demandedCaptain Pantaletta.

"I will see him executed first—better that than to fallinto your clutches," replied Captain Pouter.

"Ah, you love him," sneered Pantaletta, "and would ask him asa reward from the President. But I swear you shall not have him!I will expose your treason first—aye, grow paler still, forI have the proofs of your crime, and that means—off goesyour head!"

"You dare not expose me. Your own safety depends upon it,"replied Captain Pouter, feigning carelessness. "You know that mymouth has too long remained sealed for your benefit."

"Give me the prisoner, then, and let us remain friends."

"Never!"

"You confess, then, that you love him."

"And were it so," replied Captain Pouter, once more self-possessed, "it would not concern you—you frontispieceof—what shall I say?—oh, yes, the Book ofBeauties!"

"Now may the devil (if devil there be) receive your soul (ifyou have a soul!)" With these words of rage, Pantaletta rushedforward and grasped Captain Pouter by the hair. The latter'ssword fell from its sheath. I plainly saw Pantaletta seize theweapon and, planting its point against the other's breast, drawthat unfortunate person down upon it with inhuman fury. The deedwas quickly done and fatal in effect. The first screams of thevictim brought to hand a Sergeant, who, anticipating mischief,had lingered near.

Aware of the agitated underling's approach, Pantaletta turnedto the prostrate body and exclaimed:

"Great heavens, she is killed! We quarrelled; she drew hersword upon me, stumbled and fell. See, mine is in its sheath,while hers is full of blood! Sergeant, call the troops, summonthe surgeon—you saw her fall, did you not, Sergeant?"

"Yes," came the significant answer, "I saw her fall!"

When the Sergeant had disappeared behind the distantshrubbery, Captain Pantaletta's whole bearing underwent a change.Walking back and forth she alternately wrung her hands, stopped,meditated, and made exclamation, as follows:

"Murder?—who accuses me of murder? She was my dearestfriend and you know I would not harm her. Were we not playmatestogether in my mother's cottage by the little ripplingbrook—I hear the music of its waters, even now...'Pantaletta, Pantaletta, would to heaven you were a boy,' said mymother, combing out my knotted curls; 'you have a boy's natureand it is hard to make you girlish and womanlike.' ... Back,back, dreams of my youth! Let me brush them away as I do thesebeads of sweat from my brow, for I have murdered her—No,no, no! she would have slain me, and it was an accident. Coward!Coward that I am! Not Pantaletta, but that detested thing, acoward. I, who slept in haunted places at night and dared mycompanions to do likewise—I afraid! But it is my first deedof blood, and it makes me shudder. May heaven (if there be aheaven) pardon it... They come—they will see my agitationand read my guilt... There—now I am ready for the coolestdebate in the land. I will prove that this question is twothousand years old—much older than I and you. Your mirthproves that shehes are not without a sense of humor... It is timefor us to begin knocking at the doors of the Legislature... Yes,let us have a Lower House where our representatives can watch allbills affecting the shehe's welfare... I tell you she does notlisten with delight, as she once did, to the poetical figure ofthe trellis and the creeping tendril. She will have no more ofthe oak and the gracefully clinging vine... False, false everyword of it—we do not contend that she shall become noisy ordictatorial and abjure the quiet graces of life..... Hiss, yeserpents, ye have nothing else to offer! ... There is oneredeeming feature in a mob—it pays all expenses and leavesa surplus in the treasury."

These singular and incoherent ravings were interrupted by thereappearance of the soldiery. To these Captain Pantalettapromptly issued all the necessary orders.

A coach-and-four for me, and a large wagon drawn by eighthorses, for the American Eagle, were in readiness. AfterI was lifted into my quarters two guards were detailed to attendme within. Then we whirled away from the strange scene.

My mind was a wilderness of conjecture as I reclined, stillrigid and helpless, upon the cushions. Where was I? What mannerof people were these? Such and scores of other questions I askedand left unanswered. If my language to them containedunintelligible features, how hopelessly at sea was I in myattempt at comprehending theirs. They called me shehe at first;then a heshe in disguise. The rival captains were women, it wasclearly evident, but did all the officers share their sex? Andwere the rank and file, too, inferior men? Pshaw! women assoldiers! Or was the fable of the Amazons not all fable? Iscrutinized my guards closely, and listened to theirconversation.

"The heshe has, then, really maligned and blasphemed theshehes?" asked one.

"Yes, most horribly. All the members of company D will becalled as witnesses, of course.

"And about his sex—had it not been for his own words,that large beard—not put on, but his own—would haveleft no doubt about it."

"No; there is room for doubt. I fear it will go hard with him.What a pity he should infringe upon the horrid dress-laws—so handsome, too."

"Hush, hush! you forget regulations—Captain Pantalettawould put us in irons for this," interrupted the other.

Then their conversation turned upon social topics, in which"young Townsend," who was "going it wild," figured extensively.This interesting, but evidently rather frolicsome, individual wasfurther designated as "a masher," who was as fond of heshes as ofwine and cards, and it was stated upon good authority that "theold governor" would pay no more gambling-debts, and had eventhreatened to stop the scapegrace's monthly allowance unless abudding reformation set in.

It must have been past nine in the evening by the clock whenthe carriage rolled through the great street of a magnificentcity. I was left to judge of the hour rather by my vigorousappetite than by any other signs, for the country still laybathed in serenest daylight, just as I had found it uponlanding.

At last our jehu drew rein, and then I was carefully liftedout and conveyed through a gaping and police-defying crowd to alarge marble building of palatial appearance. Once within itsparian portals, with every avenue of escape cut off, an attendantapplied a pungent odor to my nostrils, which in a few momentsrestored me to my normal condition.

After being cautioned to refrain from speaking, I wasconducted into the innermost apartments, between two rows ofattendants, who stared at me with ill-concealed curiosity.

In a sumptuous audience chamber, under a lofty canopy, stoodthe Shah of Sheheland, or, in other words, the President ofPetticotia. He was attired in gorgeous apparel, and attended bynumerous persons of rank. Judging from his air and superbsurroundings, he might have been the emperor of a new kind ofIndies. He seemed quite youthful, and was, like all those whom Ihad thus far beheld, entirely beardless. In striking contrast tothe closely cropped heads about him, however, his rich, goldenhair fell several inches over his shoulders—perhaps thebadge of his high office—his?—or was he, too, notwhat his dress proclaimed him? His height was below that of theaverage American. His raiment consisted of a startling vermilionmantle, a snowy white vest, and bright blue pantaloons, allfashioned out of costly silk, satin, lace and other richmaterials. His countenance did not lack intelligence, andpossessed a singular, although very un-Mars-like, charm, whilehis form and gait, too, were not lost upon me.

Assuming a haughty mien, he ordered me to approach."Prisoner," he began, "you are charged with certain capitaloffenses against the people of this our mighty republic ofPetticotia. Your case should have been at once referred to thetribunal established to try crimes of this nature, were it notthat there have been reported to us certain strange actions andsayings on your part, all of which it is our humor to have youexplain, if possible, before you are formally committed fortrial. We have received from our most zealous Captain Pantalettathe following formal charges against you: 'Firstly, the prisoneris a Heshe, unlawfully clothed in Shehe apparel; secondly, he hasnot only usurped the Shehe character, but upheld the obsoletedistinctions of man and woman; thirdly, being a Heshe, he wears abeard in defiance of the law; fourthly, he has addressed theShehes of company D as 'gentlemen;' fifty, he has blasphemed allthe Shehes of Petticotia by alluding contemptuously to the sex;sixthly and lastly, he has loaded his speeches with so manyclumsy terms, that there rests upon him the suspicion of being asorcerer from the demon-world, or a spy from some war-bentnation." These are capital offenses, punishable with death. Whatis your reply, prisoner?"

There was doubt no longer as to the true state of affairs. Iwas truly in the land of Amazons. Here noble woman, resolved tolive apart from sordid man, had built herself a republic, enactedwise laws, and devoted herself to deeds of heroism and virtue.And yet when I looked about me, how utterly insignificant, howfar from noble, seemed the majority of these apers of men. Andwhen I recollected the encounter of the two captains, my basetreatment, and the maudlin charges preferred against me, everymanly fiber in my body quivered with disgust and indignation.

"Your excellency," I began, "I demand an immediate release andfree passage to some country in which an American citizen mayenforce your respectful consideration of his rights. Fearing thatI might forget that I am a gentleman, were I to defend myself inthe presence of those who so evidently have forgotten that theyare ladies, I prefer to say nothing further."

"What?" she exclaimed, impatiently, "you treat with scorn ourcourtesy which has granted you this opportunity to be heardbefore you are summarily judged!"

I bowed in mock solemnity.

"But I command you to speak—to tell me yourhistory—you told it to the common herd. Come, come, accountfor your presence in Sheheland."

I calmly folded my arms and bit my lip.

"Are you mad?" she continued, goaded by my conduct. "Do youknow that this is the hand which must sign your death-warrant?"

I showed no surprise.

Thoroughly enraged, with eyes flashing like those of a tigressat bay, she exclaimed to the officers near at hand: "Take him andadminister one hundred lashes—no, fifty—twenty-five—wait, slaves! Take him to his dungeon; before thedowny-iris twice appears the law shall have taken itscourse!"

I was taken through several galleries and passages and finallythrust into my temporary prison, which to my surprise proved tobe a well-furnished little apartment fronting upon thepresidential gardens.

CHAPTER VI

General Gullible enjoys a faithful NewspaperAccount of his Capture—His second Meeting withPantaletta—The "Downy-Iris"—He is miraculouslyenabled to visit his Air-monarch.

A SOLITARY sentinel was stationed at my door withinstructions to keep more than one eye upon me. She was a curiousminion of the law—small and slender, yet full of dignity inthe presence of her sister guards. There was a notable change inher manner, however, when my numerous escort had taken theirdeparture. From behind the bars I could see my watcher leaningagainst the wall and listening to the receding footfalls in thecorridor. And when the last faint echo had died away she heaved asigh so full of anguish that it arrested even my bitterreflections. I could not rid myself of the belief that she wasweeping until she stood before my door with eyes that showed notrace of tears. A womanly, somewhat nervous, look rested upon herface. Once or twice she shuddered involuntarily and looked aboutin dread, but finally she regarded me steadfastly while a quietsmile, which I could not then interpret, stole over her palefeatures.

I continued my inspection of a battle of Amazons which waswoven into the gaudy carpet. A few minutes later I was arousedfrom my reverie by a shy tap upon my door.

It was the guard. Could she do anything for the heshe who hadbeen so unfortunate as to break the dress-laws? Would I have somegum?—or dip some snuff?—or eatconfectionery?—or drink refreshing tea?—or was Ihungry?

I thanked her and declined everything, for my late indignationhad carried me past hunger and thirst, certainly past suchdelicacies as snuff and chewing-gum.

A short silence, a pacing to and fro, and then the tapping wasrepeated. Would I be pleased to examine the evening newspapersduring the hour which still intervened between day and downy-iris?

I started—the papers? Certainly, I would see them and bevery grateful.

Several sheets were brought and selecting the SheheEvening Glory, which was dated at Sumar Viteneliz, the cityof my captivity, I was about to reseat myself when a hand wassoftly laid upon my arm. Would I confer a slight favor?

Smiling at my inadvertent disregard of an ancient and honoredcustom, I plunged into my pocket for a monetary tribute.

No; it was not that, she did not want money—she wantedto hold my hands for a few minutes.

One who is not a thorough republican might have resented thisseeming familiarity, but, remembering that I was in duty bound torespect the wishes of a lady, and that, moreover, the ceremonymight be in accordance with the customs of the country, Icomplied.

"The papers have lied—you are not a monster," remarkedmy fair petitioner, rubbing her palms against my own. "Your kindface reminds me strangely of one who was very, very dear tome."

"You have been thinking of him?" I ventured, in a paternaltone.

"Yes," she replied, the sad, far-distant look returning to hereyes. "He was a lieutenant, oh, so handsome, and I adored eventhe footsteps of the militia when he was on parade. We partedfifteen long years ago. He was a high-spirited youth, and I hadimbibed silly views, imagining them to be the heaven-inspiredutterances of those who were but puffed-up, egotistical—no,I forget, that would be treasonable. Suffice it to say that inthe great social revolution he fought in the ranks of theminority and, calling me his bitterest enemy, departed intoexile. I held him lightly then, but all the philosophy in theworld, all the stoicism I could command, never recompensed me formy loss. Were I not of the superior sex, I could not have livedand borne this hopeless misery so long." She released my hand andwept.

I extended my sympathy—could I do otherwise? Thoughfallen from woman's high estate, was there not still about herlittle self a something which spoke of womanhood and refinementand tender sensibilities. And now prettily she had contradictedher allusion to the superior sex by dissolving in tears.

When I turned my attention to the Evening Glory Ifound in the leading position an article which struggled underthe following array of head-lines:

"A Demon's Destruction—Petticotia'sShehes again distinguish Themselves—An Infernal Monsterrises out of the Atlantic—It is first sighted by vigilantCoast-Guards—Company D of the brave Fifty-Seventh Regimentintercepts its flight in Sumar Viteneliz Forest—An almostSuperhuman Combat—A Brilliant Victory—A SecondMonster taken Captive after still another BreathlessBattle—Captain Pouter among the Slain—A Reporter'sStrategy—Full Description of a TerribleExperience—Probable Execution To-morrow."

If this was almost enough to singe my eye-brows with surprise,it was tame when compared with what followed. After describingthe frightful appearance of the Eagle, and the terror ofthose timid heshes who saw it emerge from the sea, the narratortold how news of its flight was telegraphed inland, and how partof the gallant Fifty-Seventh Regiment, while enjoying a holidayin Sumar Viteneliz forest, upon hearing the news, resolved to doits duty or perish. I will quote a portion of the account:

"The troops galloped through the forest in hot haste andsurprised the aerial monster in the act of devouring some of thevery choicest game-birds which this favorite resort affords. Thebattle which followed was short, but decisive. Our heroes had thesatisfaction of seeing the bird-like fiend stretched stark andlifeless upon the ground.

"But the conflict had hardly terminated when, from a grottowhich suddenly opened its mouth at our feet, there came forthanother being, so demon-like, that for a few moments the braveststaggered. Even the reporter, accustomed to scenes of the mostsensational order, felt a grisly horror stealing up her spinalcolumn. True, the Thing had assumed a human shape, but,notwithstanding its shehe garb, wore a look which betrayed aninfernal origin.

"Imagine it, gentle reader: nine feet in height, at least,with hair and beard falling in red, snake-like coils, coated witha greenish slime which spoke of wallowings in some marsh or bog.Its eyes were as large as saucers and emitted a fierce light. Itshalf-concealed ears were of that satanic pattern which, someimagine, exists only on canvas, but which, in this instance,looked for all the world like horns. The tip of its nose seemeddipped in drunkard's red. Its cheeks were hollow, and pale whenenraged. Its black, sinewy arms tapered off into claws such assculptors and painters add to the lower extremities of sirens.Woe to that which came within their grasp! Its tremendous bodyrested upon a pair of legs which resembled the pillars of aheathen god. When it advanced, earth gave forth a hollowsound.

"To conquer this formidable adversary was the next task of thesoldiery. Riddled with balls and slashed by many a brave sabre,it only laughed us to scorn. Several of our most daringcombatants were slain, among them brave Captain Flora Pouter,whose extended obituary will be found elsewhere. She fellfighting, like a tiger, to the last.

"By rare good fortune one the young dragoons, whose mother isan alchemist and astrologer, had in a vial a substance distilledin accordance with directions obtained from heaven in a dream.This vial, with a reckless disregard of life, she placed underthat beacon of wrath—the enemy's nose. In a few secondsanother glorious victory perched upon the banners of theshehes.

"Informed by the hero of the vial, whose name, the reporterlearned, is Gussie de Woodville, that the snorting mountain offlesh would not stir for hours, Sergeant Pansy Jones, upon whomthe command now devolved, decided to march to the nearest stationand confer with her sister officers as to the description of bothvanquished terrors.

"The reporter, eager to investigate more closely the mysteryof the double apparition, remained behind, entirely alone. Shewatched the last wounded trooper, winding a handkerchief about ableeding arm, disappear behind the dimly-distant shrubbery, andthen proceeded with her inspection, when—horrors uponhorrors!—the Thing of the fiery glances opened its eyes,grinned horribly and arose upon its haunches. A second, a minute,two minutes of terrible suspense, and then the enemy, arising toits feet, broke the silence with a guttural 'follow me!'accompanied by a movement of its claws which told, all tooplainly, that to refuse would be unwise.

"They went.

"Earth seemed to open and swallow both.

"Upon re-opening her eyes, the Knight of the Pencil lookedfrom an ante-chamber into a very dark cavern.

"'I am a king,' began the Terrible Shape, in language quiteunderstandable, 'a king—an unfortunate descendant of kings.The tyrannous power of a government mightier than that of myfathers compelled me to seek safety in exile. At last I herdedwith cannibals, but even among this untutored people royal bloodwill tell. I was elected chief of a tribe and went to battle. Itwas my fate to be defeated and taken captive. By the principlesof international comity in force among these nations, I shouldhave been eaten, but my life was spared upon condition that Iundergo an agony so exquisite that it usually made envious thedamned. They stripped me until I was entirelynude—although, strictly speaking, my costume had beensomewhat abbreviated ere this—and amused themselves bygrafting upon this body of mine, ten thousand fish-scales,' andsaying this, it bared to the reporter's gaze a breast coveredwith large, shining scales like those of the silver-fish.

"'I have come,' continued the Thing, 'to wed the handsomestheshe in Petticotia, and you shall lead me secretly to where hegently sighs.'

"'Shrivel this good right hand first!' thought the reporter toherself.

"'You promise? Ha, ha, ha!—good. I shall spare yourlife. You shall be rewarded with riches.'

"The reporter craftily feigned assent, and, producing a flaskwhich she usually carries during fatiguing journeys in quest ofnews, proposed a ratification of the compact.

"The unearthly Thing—a libel upon the name of shehewhich it claimed for itself—imbibed greedily and soon fellinto a beastly stupor.

"Dragging the enemy back to the spot where it had originallyfallen, the new victor took a large stone and broke its limbs,thus effectually disabling the terror, even though it shouldregain consciousness."

I had proceeded thus far when, feeling a curious sensation, asof some strange presence, I looked up and encountered a leeringface, so ugly that it seemed fresh from Hades. It was that ofPantaletta. The remainder of her body was concealed under a blackcloak.

"Oh, for still another pair of eyes that I might feast myfill!" she exclaimed, in that same tone of voice which she hadused with such startling effect upon a previous occasion.

"You are indeed a perfect specimen," she continued, "and Ihave come to look lovingly upon you, for you are mine—aliveor dead—you cannot escape me. Shall I set you free, likethe gallant in the romance? and will you then wed me out ofgratitude?—ha, ha, ha! Or do you prefer the empty-headedfool who will weep—ye gods, weep!—when she signs thewarrant for your execution, to-morrow? She loves you—she,who will make you sport for the hangwoman's ax, tells you so inthis scent-stinking missive which I am to deliver. Oh, she didnot send it by me—I bribed her messenger and came with it.What would you give—what endure—to read these honeyedwords? But you shall not devour them except in daintymorsels—there—in bits so fine that Tantalus would notchange occupations with you. Tell her Pantaletta plucked herlove-letter to shreds—tell her, and she will believeyou—ha, ha, ha!"

"Out, wretched hag—cease, and quit my sight, vilemurderess!" I cried.

She recoiled for a moment and then sprang against the bars,amazed yet furious, while she cried:

"May the foul lie die in your throat! I a murderess, and youmy accuser? Now may the devil—if such things therebe—thirst for your soul, for you shall die! You shalldie!—I have said it, mark you—I!"

She turned as if to go, but stopped and fell into a state ofabstraction which to me closely resembled madness. How well Iremember her broken soliloquy; slowly or rapidly uttered, as thehumor seized her. She paused, then walked up and down, frowning,laughing and talking by fits and starts:

"Do not believe him, oh jury of my peers!" she exclaimed."Being a heshe, he hates us all... Is he not an old bachelor, thebutt of ridicule, the clown of the convention? ...Convention—who breathes the sacred word? ... Do not say youlove us while you class us with criminals, madmen and idiots...Do not shehes rule in monarchies? Why not in republics? ... Itell you, daring hands are raised to sweep from its pedestal yourfalse idea of the shehe... Never fear, let them bray—I knowhow to play with and lash a mob, and thrust what I wish to sayinto their long ears... Who says we are disappointed wives andsour old maids? For myself I will state that upon leaving schoolI had made up my mind to be a missionary, but thankheaven—if there be a heaven—courtship dispelled theseideas... My society was sought by the most cultivated heshes, forI seemed to have been saved from the coarseness and strenuoustones of the strong-minded shehe... I tell you that we are shehesof superior mental and physical organizations, and are goodwriters and speakers... I did not think that the easy chair Ioccupied at our last convention was to bring me so much glory,for my resolutions have since been read on the floor ofCongress—mark you, on the floor of Congress... It isperverse and cruel to raise the cry that we are making war upondomestic life. No, any shehe who stands on the throne of her ownhouse, dispensing there the virtues of love, charity and peace,and sends out into the world good heshes, occupies a higherposition than any crowned head... They say that the outpouringsof all my love-element has flowed into this movement—so beit. I would not wed, for the mind always in contact with childrenand servants, whose aspirations and ambitions rise no higher thanthe roof which shelters it, must necessarily be dwarfed... Yetshe will be adored by the heshe—very well, the heathen maykneel before his crocodile, why should the heshe not go intorhapsodies over his cook?... I am the better writer, she is thebetter critic. She supplies the facts and I the rhetoric, andtogether we have made arguments which no heshe has answered. As amuch-admired friend says of us: 'Both have large brains and greathearts; neither has any selfish ambition for celebrity.' We maywell be regarded as the evangels of our sex. And yet, she becamepresident, and why not I?... I tell you again, these calumniesare annoying to me. I have never for a moment affected to beanything but a shehe."

She stopped, like a time-piece which has gradually run down,and fell forward upon her face. Her deep and regular breathingtold me she was not dead but asleep.

I, too, became conscious of a new sensation. It was midnightaccording to American time, and the downy iris—to employthe native term, in the absence of an English one—hadarrived. The air was soft and slumberous, while earth and skywere filled with a haze of seven colors which sparkled andblended with a motion that produced ravishing music. It was aharmony of sound, not for the ear but for the eye. Each color wasa note upon the key-board of nature and beat like a great pulse,simultaneously in every quarter of the earth. Its mission was tocause instantaneous and death-like sleep to fall upon everyliving thing in Petticotia.

Strange to say, however, upon me it made no impression, savethat of wonder and delight. My organization was proof against itseffects and I was not slow to profit by it.

I had read that the American Eagle was guarded in atent, near the palace, and determined to behold it and learn theextent of its injuries. I found the bars of my window in anunyielding mood, but upon examining the door, to my no slightastonishment, I discovered that the lock was unfastened,intentionally or by accident, I cared not which, as I pushed openthe barrier to liberty and hurried past the helplessPantaletta.

I had little difficulty in finding the disabled bird offreedom. Its watchers were reclining peacefully upon theirknapsacks. Some had rather pretty countenances which would havebetter graced a boudoir, but the majority were sadly deficient inlooks and bore unmistakable traces of dissipation.

I noticed, with eager satisfaction, that the mysteriousinterior of my aerial companion had not been suspected. Uponopening the door I found everything in excellent order.

Had it been possible to repair the enormous injury done to itscovering, and to find at once the necessary gas, I could havelaughed at my captivity. I might even have succeeded in escapingon foot; but that would have necessitated the abandonment of theair-ship, and this was out of the question.

I meditated for some time upon a course of action. To remainand impress the authorities with the justice of my cause was myonly hope.

The inhabitants were evidently very superstitious and anyunaccountable event pointing in my favor, thought I, wouldcertainly have some weight.

I remembered a colossal statue of the first Shah of Shehelandwhich stood upon a short marble column of solid proportions, inthe square, upon the right of the palace. Its inscription boastedthat so long as Petticotia existed should the statue stand.

This proud work I determined to overthrow before the music ofthe downy-iris ceased.

It is true that, like some warrior-fiend of old, sword inhand, I might have taken a royal revenge by hewing a blood-redtrack through the very heart of the city. I might have applied topalace and hut alike the incendiary's torch and thus roasted theunsuspecting sleepers. But, injured as I had been, I could notfor a moment entertain atrocities like these.

To overthrow the statue, and play an additional prank or two,would suffice. Fortunately I had brought with me a powerfulexplosive prepared by one of my co-workers at home. Its chiefvalue lay in the fact that it did not shatter, but acted as ahuge but slow propelling force. After bringing all the science inmy power to bear upon the matter, laboring until I wasperspiration-drenched, I sprang my experiment.

The explosion acted precisely in accordance with mycalculations—the statue fell from the pedestal, forwardupon its face, burying the upper portion of the body in the softearth under the grass. It made me think of Pantaletta, lying,face downward, in the corridor.

After removing all traces of my operations, I proceeded to thetent of the American Eagle and carried the guards, oneafter another, to the spot, disposing them in a semi-circle aboutthe fallen genius of their institutions.

I also lowered a number of flags which had been raised inhonor of the regiment whose captive I was, and hoisted in theirstead the stars and stripes, of which glorious emblem I had abountiful supply in the Eagle. With the raising of thefirst flag of my country I took formal cosession of theterritory, arguing that, inasmuch as the inhabitants were fastapproaching wholesale lunacy, the time could not be very fardistant when they would cease to have a national existence. Thescattered remnants would be as kindly and honestly cared for byus as is our noble red man on the remnant of his native land.

I furthermore turned back the hands of several public clocks,making them six hours behind the usual time. Then, thoroughlyexhausted by my exertions, I returned to my prison, threw myselfupon my couch and fell into a profound slumber.

CHAPTER VII.

General Gullible is summarily Tried,Convicted and Sentenced to Death—while awaiting Execution,he is comforted by a pleasing Allegory concerning the Privilegesof certain Condemned Criminals.

WHEN I awoke it was eight o'clock, according to Americantime. After paying due attention to my toilet, I sat down tobreakfast with an appetite resembling that of a good church-manafter Lent.

While the new guard was supplying me with viands, I engagedher in conversation and learned, to my secret satisfaction, thatthe entire city had been much excited, since daybreak, over asupernatural manifestation which many regarded as an omen ofterrible import. She described to me how the great statue wasfound in an attitude of adoration before a strange flag whichfluttered proudly in the morning breeze. She also told me of theconfusion of the guards upon awakening, of their incarceration bythe authorities, as well as other interesting particulars.

The consternation, she said, was widespread, especially amongthe vulgar people, who believed that evil spirits, with whom Iwas in league, were demanding my release. Already there was onfoot a movement favoring the removal of myself and theEagle to some adjacent country. The authorities, on theother hand, were highly enraged. Captain Pantaletta had declaredat roll-call that before the next downy-iris I should be executedand then all so-called manifestations and treasonable plots wouldcease.

To all these things I listened gravely, but upon them made nocomment.

I was further informed that several representatives of themorning journals—which appear shortly beforenoon—were still in waiting, ready and eager to interview mein regard to the events with which I was so closely associated.But I declined to see them, honored as I should have been by suchattentions at home.

At nine o'clock the sheriff's officers—stout ex-cooksand washerwomen—arrived, accompanied by an escort ofsoldiers, and conducted me to trial. I was conveyed toward thedepartment of justice, in a large vehicle which made its way withdifficulty through the excited and eager multitude that throngedthe streets and struggled to obtain a glimpse of theprisoner.

The Dress Reform Court and Court of Social Ethics, beforewhich offenders of my stamp are exclusively tried, is composedentirely of women prominent in the movement which overthrew theold social and political order in Petticotia. The members of thejudiciary form the chief aristocracy of the land. Even the jurorsrank high in society.

When I was ushered in for trial the large court-room wasdensely crowded. Upon the bench, in wrinkled and warty dignity,sat the judges, their eyes beaming with a cat-like light forcriminals like myself. Their hair was cut short at the neck.Every member of the court wore a suit of solemn black, and aclerical collar and raven tie rested upon each white shirt-front.Their chests were quite flat, and, had it not been for theirinsignificant physiques, they might have passed for a species ofsecond-rate old men. The jurors were dressed much after themanner of the judges, albeit a trifle less elegantly, and thesame may be said of the members of the bar.

The audience was composed mainly of the dominant sex, as thewomen delighted to call themselves. I noticed that quite a numberof persons, including lawyers and jurors, rolled pieces of filthytobacco about in their cheeks, and had frequent recourse to theill-looking cuspidors which were distributed about the room.After my formal arraignment, learning that I had no counsel, thecourt assigned me a legal champion, notwithstanding my expresseddesire to be allowed to defend myself, which was declaredimpossible under the law.

The leader of the prosecution opened the trial with aspasmodic harangue, in the course of which she dwelt withespecial emphasis upon the arrogant and unrepentant conduct whichI had shown since my arrest and which I dared to continue beforethe very eyes of the honorable court. She announced that scoresof witnesses were present to prove the charges enumerated in theindictment. It is not necessary to reproduce the testimony whichfollowed; neither shall I rescue from obscurity the, to me,rather humorous remarks of my counsel in opening the defense. Mytestimony, although admissible, had no weight because of itsgreat extravagance. "Guilty" was the only verdict which anintelligent jury could render.

And yet my courage did not utterly forsake me. I listened withcomposure to the sentence of the court, which concluded asfollows:

"It is therefore ordered that you, the prisoner at the bar,attended by spiritual advisers, be taken to the usual place ofexecution this afternoon at three o'clock, there and then toawait the arrival of the warrant signed by her excellency,Lillibel Razmora, President of the Republic of Petticotia, Shahof Sheheland, Defender of the Shehes, Mighty Battle-Maid, etc.,and, upon the arrival of such warrant, there to be decapitateduntil you are dead, as an example and warning to all law-breakers, and may God have mercy upon your soul."

"The prisoner listened to his sentence with an impudentcoolness that surpassed anything witnessed in this court sincethe trial of the arch-conspirators," said a newspaper account ofthe proceedings.

Before I was again placed in charge of the sheriff's officers,I overcame my repugnance sufficiently to hold a shortconsultation with my counsel. In accordance with the plan ofaction I had formed, I requested her to meet me, professionally,in my cell.

Half an hour later I again found myself in that self-sameabode, removed from the curious rabble which was already surgingto the place of execution, all eagerness to obtain the bestplaces from which to witness the coming trouble.

The hour of noon having sounded, I partook of a hearty dinner,which gastronomical feat greatly impressed my guards and was dulycommented upon in the public prints.

There was one fact which appeared to me remarkable, namely,that, with the exception of the newspaper women, who were deniedadmittance, I had no visitors. My treatment of the press, I mustconfess, brought its own punishment, for there was not a paper inSumar Viteneliz but printed its marvelous interview with theprisoner.

During my last hours the clergywomen, who were to attend meupon the scaffold, called for the purpose of offering mespiritual consolation, but, to their profound sorrow, foundnothing to console. I was even ungallant enough to request themto retire when my lawyer arrived.

This legal luminary inquired, with much unction, what mypleasure might be; first apologizing, as a physician might to adead patient, for the poor defense which she had made, in absenceof all preparation. I begged her not to mention the triflingincident, and she thereupon congratulated me upon my fortitudewhich, in one of my sex, she declared, was wonderful.

I gradually unfolded to her my reasons for a privateconsultation. My great desire, I stated, was to make an addressto the people, before the violent death in store seized me. Thiswish, I well knew, was contrary to the laws in the case provided,and, should the authorities fly at the throat of free speech, Iwas anxious to have the assurance that the populace would sustainme in my effort. If a sufficient number of spectators could beinduced to manifest a desire that I be heard, and persist in itwith the animation of organized applauders at the theater, Iwould be certain of a hearing.

Madame Belvidere hesitated a moment, and then franklyacknowledged that, although the time was short—she mightsay, very short—no doubt those who would with reasonablyproper spirit cry, "Hear the heshe!" "Free speech!" "Go on!" andthe like, could be secured in sufficient numbers to carry themultitude—were the expense provided for.

I at once advanced enough gold to compensate a hundred shehesfor the wear and tear of their throats and lungs, and, afterpaying the fee for my defense, promised twice the sum if our plansucceeded.

Assurance beamed from the countenance of the lawyer, when sheprepared to take her leave.

"There is another question I desire to ask you," I remarked,arresting her exit. "Can you explain why so few persons havevisited me during my imprisonment? Is there no curiosity hereregarding those who are under sentence of death?"

"Ah, my dear client," smiled Madame Belvidere, drawing a cigarfrom her vest-pocket and buttoning her coat in a very deliberatemanner, "I am afraid that you are becoming acquainted with theutter wretchedness of the prisoner found guilty in the DressReform Court. As such the strong arm of the law allows no ray ofcommon sympathy to reach you. To commiserate you would be toshare in your guilt.

"Were you a prisoner of another kind—had you, let ussay, poisoned a heshe for stealing away the affections of yourfavorite lord and master, the case would not be half so gloomy.If found guilty in the Oyer and Terminer, there would still behope—in fact, the jurors of that court not unfrequentlyrecommend to mercy those whom they reluctantly find guilty. Atthe worst, after a few months of sumptuous jail-life, a new trialis generally ordered or the death-sentence commuted to life-imprisonment. The beheading of your sex—the weakersex—is not looked upon with general favor, and, therefore,you might well afford to be cheerful.

"But better still," continued Madame Belvidere, helpingherself to a match with which to light her cigar, afterascertaining that I did not object to smoking, "were you one ofmy sex; a strong, muscular, healthy shehe. Had you, as such,during a frenzy endangered by inebriation, stabbed your so-calledbetter half to the heart, and severed the heads of your littlechildren from their quivering bodies, your punishment would beeven less hard to bear. True, in the excitement attendant uponthe discovery of your deed, public sentiment would favor yourimmediate extermination. But the law is merciful in its slowness.Many months must necessarily elapse before you are tried. If youfeign insanity in time and are acquitted, the majesty of the lawis vindicate. You need not fear the insane asylum; its gloomycells were not made for such as you. But should a stony-heartedjury find you guilty of murder in the first degree—it is acurious fact that occasionally juries have no regard for thefeelings of even a wealthy malefactor—a shudder runsthrough the community. Heaven and earth are moved to secure yourpardon. Clergyshehes will pray, as if for a wager, that yourvaluable life may be spared. The inferior sex—I begpardon—the heshes, will flock to your ornamented cell andtender you the sympathy of the city. You think of the dark agesin which that creature known as man—can I, in breathing thehateful word, rely upon your silence?—selfishlyappropriated all these privileges and pronounced us, the shehes,incapable of enjoying them, and you are proud because our hour oftriumph has arrived. You experience religion and find that deathhas lost its sting. The press records the precious words whichfall from your lips and even delights to describe the costlyviands, wines and cigars you consume. If your crime be anespecially mysterious one, a celebrated singer may be found who,unmindful of the advertisem*nt which it would bring him, willwarble for your benefit and secure you the means for stillanother trial. Should it happen that the governor of yourprovince, in the unregenerated state of her heart, refuses topardon one who sent a loving partner and little ones to heaven,her political enemies must open fire and assign petty reasons forher decision. If all this avails not, if a better world ishungering for your cheerful presence, then, forgiving all whohave wronged you and expressing a generous hope to meet themhereafter, you go to the beheading-block, half-smothered bybouquets, a martyr in the claws of justice and the admired ofall."

"Madame," said I, when she stopped to re-light her neglectedroll of tobacco, "you are rather clever in weaving prettyromances, but, of course, you do not expect me to believethem."

The lawyer smiled, assured me solemnly that she had not toldme half, fearing to make envious, puffed vigorously at her cigar,and departed, saying: "'As happy as a condemned murderer,' willbe among the proverbs of the next generation—take my wordfor it."

CHAPTER VIII.

General Gullible is solemnly escorted to theBeheading Block—He succeeds in obtaining a Hearing beforethe Multitude—Wrath of Smilax, the Executioner.

THE procession which escorted me to execution was asolemn spectacle. First came a triumphal car, containing a bandof female musicians. It was drawn by four jet black horses, eachnodding a sable plume. Next came a carriage containing but oneoccupant. It was the executioner and her name, I was told, wasSmilax. She was dressed in black and red, and beside her upon acushion, rested the dread implement which told her calling. Thethird carriage, also drawn by four black horses, was for myself,the high sheriff and the clergy. Directly over my head, upon acanopy, hovered the image of an offended goddess of justice inmale attire, her drawn sword emblematic of my fate. The judges ofthe Dress Reform Court, devoured by a holy zeal to witness thespeedy death of so defiant an offender, followed behind me andwere in turn followed by the mayor and other city officials.Mounted guards and police, vying with each other in importance,rode on either side of my carriage.

Before reaching our destination, the musicians played acheerful, not to say, hilarious, waltz. The leader, acting uponthe theory that contrasts are most effective, argued that thisselection would, by reason of its association with other scenesnow forever past for the condemned, awaken more genuine sadnessthan the best dead march ever blown from wind instruments.Whatever the final effect produced upon myself, I felt greatlyrelieved when the music drowned the exhortations of theclergywomen, which I had endured in respectful silence.

Arriving upon President's Square, where many a poor wretch hadprovided bloody sport for the shuddering, yet eager crowd, thedignitaries of the procession were shown to raised seats in therear of the scaffold, while Smilax, the clergy and myself, wereleft to figure prominently in the foreground.

The executioner's face was entirely concealed by a tightly-fitting mask. At first her form seemed masculine to me, but astride or two, an unstudied movement of the hand, brought to mymind another likeness. Her height was that of Pantaletta. Leaninglightly upon the handle of her bloodthirsty ax, she scanned mewith a look of burning, almost fiendish, expectancy. I returnedher glances with a look of haughty indifference and turned myattention to the sea of faces before me.

Now, for the first time, I had an opportunity to observe withcare, a species of Petticotians with whom I was not yet familiar.Although their garb proclaimed them women, their large, awkwardforms were unmistakably those of what had once been men. Theywere the heshes, the inferior and conquered sex of Petticotia,with whom I was legally classed.

They were largely represented in the audience, and theirridiculous, yet gaudy apparel, gave to the scene a not altogetherunpicturesque effect. The elder heshes, those of the grave,coarse features, conversed with the animation of veteran gossips.The middle-aged listened to the remarks of their domestic lordsor soothed an unruly infant, here and there. The unmarriedstudied the effects of the latest fashions or cast coquettishglances at their pantaloon-wearing neighbors. Boys under sixteenyears of age were quite at ease in dresses, having during theirshort lives known no other kind of garment. The adults wore hipand breast pads to a man, in obedience to the nefarious dresslaws. Their hair was worn in knots or curls all naturaldeficiencies being supplied by the hair-dressers. Continualshaving, and hair eradicators, kept all beards at bay. Ringsadorned the fingers of the new fair sex, and chains, charms,beads and other ornaments, glistened about their throats. Fansand dainty handkerchiefs fluttered in the breeze. Everygentleman—if I may apply so foreign a word—wasunhappy unless his dress was made in the height of fashion.

It made my heart ache to witness these results of the giganticwar upon nature in which the judge had gloried during her chargeto the jury. I felt hot tears rolling from my eyes upon mycheeks, but controlled my emotion when I noticed the satisfactionwith which my weeping was regarded by the divines on my right andleft.

The high sheriff, after arranging the preliminaries of thetragic act, came forward and, in solemn words, announced to thepeople my crimes and the penalty awaiting me upon the arrival ofthe messenger bearing the death-warrant signed.

I knew that the crisis had arrived. I arose in my bonds and,after bowing as best as I could to those in authority, announcedin ringing tones that, inasmuch as it was the privilege of thecondemned in all civilized countries to place upon record theirparting words, I desired to address myself briefly to thepeople.

The judges grew apoplectic with rage upon hearing this, andthe sheriff ordered several brawny underlings to seize me andapply the gag. Before this command could be obeyed, however, ashehe in the audience arose and, in a chivalrous voice, criedout, "A hearing, a hearing for the heshe!"

This was the signal agreed upon, and a hundred, then athousand, throats echoed the sentiment.

Madame Belvidere had succeeded even better than I had dared tohope. So general was the popular demonstration in my favor thatthe majesty of the law stood appalled and powerless, and I wasallowed to give utterance to my long pent-up feelings in a mannerwhich I never again expect to equal.

I was not only pleading for the rights of foreigners and formy life, but for science and for the discovery of the Pole. Sospontaneous and impassioned was my speech that I could notreproduce it from memory were I inclined to do so. Suffice it tosay that, after plainly stating my case, I brought forwardnumerous arguments, showing the unjustness of my conviction andbranding my proposed execution as a murder. After detailing theproofs of my citizenship which were in my possession, I advancedwith much vigor the claim that a person while abroad was by nomeans obliged to adopt customs and habits not acknowledged in hisor her native land. This was conceded everywhere save inPetticotia. Who, for instance, I asked, would brand me as atraitor if I refused to throw up my hat and exclaim "God save theQueen!" in England? Or, being a Protestant, who would hurl ananathema at me in Italy for refusing to kiss the Pope's toe? Who,in Turkey, would dare to punish my wife for failing to concealher face? or condemn her, in Japan, to dye her teeth black? Wouldthe Chinese assassinate me, if I neglected to wear a pig-tail? orshould I be obliged, even among the South Sea Islanders, to filemy teeth and go naked?

During the latter portion of my address I brought to theforeground the vision of an outraged nation lashing herself intofury upon learning the fate of her slaughtered explorer.

The heavens grew black—distantly rumbled the deepartillery, while glittering hosts in battle array marched to themusic of the gathering storm. The army of my country, a vastapparition of destruction, poured into Sheheland. Our navy, theadmiration and terror of nations, filled the seas and steered,laden with iron death, toward the doomed shores ofPetticotia.

The storm burst. Devastation and grinning Carnage walked inrivers of blood. Shaking their purple-dyed hands, they gloried intheir work, while the prayers of the dying and the curses of thewounded mingled in the air.

The clouds disappeared. The sun shone down upon myriads ofskeletons which lay bleaching upon the battle plains—shonedown upon dyspeptic vultures which winged their lazy flight tothe mountains.

Where now was the nation that had delighted to insult anAmerican citizen? Who remained to answer?

I earnestly besought them to weigh well the events of the lastdowny-iris. The genius of American liberty had spoken and would,if necessary, avenge my death.

The masses resembled a storm-lashed ocean when I ceased. Withone accord their voices were for my deliverance. One impetuousshehe proposed that I should at once be conducted to thefrontier.

The judges of the Dress Reform Court, with uplifted arms,implored heaven's immediate vengeance upon so ungrateful apeople. Smilax glared at me with the fury of a wild beast, readyto spring.

In the midst of the tumult a messenger, mounted upon a fleetcharger, burst into view.

A mighty hurrah went up from the multitude. Never before hadthe warrant arrived upon a milk-white horse.

When the rider delivered the fateful document it was foundtorn into four fragments and lacking the presidentialsignature.

For the first time during her official career, the chiefmagistrate had exercised her pardoning power, and I wassaved.

The shehe citizens waved their hats and cheered. The hesheswept, they knew not why.

The judges, blinded with rage, commanded the officers toarrest all those who had expressed sympathy for me and therebymade themselves amenable to law. This had the effect ofimmediately dispersing the mob.

Contrary to my expectations, however, I was not released.Still in chains and powerless, they once more conveyed me to thepalace.

CHAPTER IX.

General Gullible is confined in morecommodious Apartments—His curious Commutation ofSentence—He is honored with a Visit by a LovelyApparition—The President of Petticotia in a New Pole.

STILL treated as a prisoner, I was confined and closelyguarded in a quarter of the palace which had been assigned to meby special command of the President. My prison consisted of asuite of rooms to which all that modern luxury and refined tastecould devise lent its enriching presence.

Looking from my windows, upon the one hand I had a view of thepark with its shady walks, its trees and merry songsters, itsfountains and playful fishes, its miniature lakes and dancingpleasure-boats; upon the other I could observe at leisure, thenumerous mansions, half hidden by rows of stately trees, or theever-changing streets with their gorgeous equipages and curiouspeople.

All this delighted me very little when I remembered howunjustly I was detained, and how intense was my desire to repairmy air-ship and set sail once more.

Upon the morning following, after I had eaten a liberalbreakfast, information arrived that I was soon to appear beforethe judges of the Dress Reform Court who had arrived and wereholding a conference with the President in another part of thepalace.

When I was ushered into their august presence, the seniorJudge received me with a vinegar smile, and informed me withoutexcess of ceremony, that I was indebted to a tender-hearted andmost merciful executive for the fact that justice had beendefeated—no, she would not say defeated, but rathercompelled to accept less than its due. She added that I wassummoned to listen privately to the sentence of the court, asamended by her excellency's interposition:

"Firstly, That, as a heshe, the prisoner cut off and removecontinually all that capillary growth covering the lower regionsof his face, commonly known as beard and mustache.

"Secondly, That he allow the hair upon his head to growunchecked by artificial means.

"Thirdly, That he put off all shehe clothing and wear theraiment prescribed for heshes.

"Fourthly, That he undergo an imprisonment, in such place asher excellency may provide and with such restraint as may bedeemed wise for the period of ten years."

I looked upon them with an astonishment which rapidly changedto wrath. I refused emphatically to accept the terms somaliciously imposed upon me. As an American citizen, who hadcommitted no wrong, I reiterated all my former demands and warnedthose who conspired against my liberty, that for every newindignity heaped upon me, justice in full should be demanded.

The judges were ready, even eager, to reciprocate my anger andadopt harsher measures, but the President, whose gaze had beenfixed upon me during the entire proceedings, again acted the partof mediator. Undoubtedly, the worthy heshe, General Gullible, wasa little hasty in his declaration, she ventured to remark. Shesuggested that time be given him for reflection and a finaldecision. Doubtless, ere many days elapsed, he would appreciatethe wisdom and leniency of the court and comply with the verymoderate requirements of the law.

The judges finally acquiesced in this, and I was remanded tomy gilded cage, in which I passed the next three days inuncontrollable anguish, refusing to take food and seeing noone.

I laid many plans for my escape. Were it possible, thought I,to visit the American Eagle each night, I might beenabled to repair it gradually. When downy-iris came, I triedeach door, but not one yielded. Escape from the windows was alsoimpossible, my location being in an upper story, nearly onehundred feet from the ground. True, I might have torn a largequantity of bed-clothing, curtains and tapestries into strips anddescended upon a rope improvised from the same, but this, alas,would have led to certain detection after the first night'sexploit. Then, too, my ability to remain awake during the hoursof the downy-iris might have been betrayed, and this knowledge itseemed desirable to keep to myself.

I finally resolved to enlist the active sympathies of one ofthe male attendants whom the President had detailed to wait uponme.

I engaged him in a friendly, not to say familiar, conversationand gradually assured him of the deep concern I felt in his fate,and that of his brethren. Basely robbed of their manhood andtheir rightful place in the economy of nature, I could not helpbut pity them.

This caused him to blush rather unnecessarily and to remarkthat, begging my pardon, they were not fallen persons, by anymeans. Although but poorly paid servants, they were asrespectable as the finest heshe who commanded in his drawing-room.

Said I to him: "I am sorry that you should have misconstruedthe meaning of my remarks. I regard as fallen all those who,although born to represent a sturdy manhood in male attire, arefound in women's dress, imitating every conceivable folly of theweaker sex and losing every grace peculiar to their own. As a manI deplore the misfortune which has befallen you, and I cannot buthope for the speedy emancipation of both man and woman from thedegradation into which they have fallen.

"Oh, hush—pray, say no more," implored the terror-stricken wretch. "It is wrong for you to make such statements,and I, too, shall be brought before the Dress Reform Court andforever disgraced, if I listen you. Be careful, for your ownsake, for you are in the greatest danger while wearingthose—those thing!" blushing again and pointing to mynether garments.

"What!" I cried, "the men, too, have turned traitors to theirsex? Oh, shame, shame, shame!" I walked the floor like a rousedlion and ground the costly carpet under my heel.

The miserable piece of effeminacy entreated me to conquer myunheshelike passion. The heshes were all resigned to the fareasier and better state to which their sex had been elevated andwhy should not I likewise be contented? If I knew what favors layin store for me, he felt certain, I would act quitedifferently.

Instead of replying I caught the creature up in my strong armsand threatened to hurl him headlong to the pavement below, unlesshe consented to aid me in regaining my liberty. If he promised Iwould enrich him. I had before departing from home liberallysupplied myself with gold, and this the natives readily accept,while they regard the paper currency of an unknown country withcontempt.

With pale, trembling lips, while great drops of fear stoodupon his brow, he said, "Murder me if you will not be merciful,for I cannot, I dare not, aid you. If you escape a tenfold moreterrible fate awaits us all, for we are hostages for yoursafekeeping."

Baffled, I released him as I might a loathsome toad, while thepoor object of my contempt, unable to endure my looks, burst intotears and fled.

Following closely upon his exit came a female messenger fromthe President, who, after bowing as gracefully as her unnaturalcostume would allow, stated that her excellency kindly inquiredafter my health and sincerely hoped that I had recovered from myindisposition. She further trusted that I had at last decided toaccept the provisions of my sentence and regretted exceedinglythat affairs of state, Congress being in session, prevented herfrom paying her respects in person at this hour.

It was late in the afternoon when I started from a reverieinto which I had fallen, after glancing over a profusion ofbooks, magazines and other insipid literature, written by thedominant sex and conforming to the new social order.

My attention was attracted by a tall, wiry-looking man,dignified in spite of his unbecoming dress, who passed by underthe shade-trees opposite and turned several times to shake hisclinched hand at the palace. All the shehes who passed him liftedtheir hats respectfully; although he did not deign to noticetheir salutations, they seemed to take no offence.

My curiosity was aroused by his strange behavior, and yet thedeference shown him argued that he was not mad. I waved myhandkerchief as a signal, hoping to attract his attention andestablish communication between us; but, to my deep regret, hedisappeared from view without making an answering sign.

It was evening ere I was again aroused from my abstraction.The luscious fruits, accompanied by a bouquet of sweet-smellingblossoms, which found their way each day to a dainty table nearme, still angled in vain for recognition, when an attendantannounced a visitor and retired.

Stepping into the parlor, which, with its furniture, picturesand other appointments, would have delighted the heart of amodern belle, I awaited the coming ordeal, my expectationsdivided between the odious Dress Reform judges and the tall,nervous heshe who might, after all, have noticed my flag ofdistress.

Great was my amazement, therefore, when I beheld the beingwhom my guards admitted and who now advanced toward me with ahalf-triumphant smile upon her lips—for it was awoman—not an exaggerated female in men's attire, but awoman in the glory of her radiant self, dressed in all a woman'ssplendor. I shall not soon forget the impression made upon me bythis oasis of loveliness in a desert of ugliness. She was sowondrously fair that for a few moments I seemed dreaming thedream of some happy lover who has beheld his beau ideal. Her headwas adorned with a shower of hair, which, like Juno's in theIliad:

"Pale on her head in shining ringlets rolled,
Part o'er her shoulders waved like melted gold."

Her large eyes danced merrily in her glowing countenance. Herfigure, lithe and graceful, was enveloped in a bewilderinglypretty dress, while jewels glistened upon her delicate whitethroat, her ears and fingers.

Thus for a moment she stood, and, womanlike, enjoyed myastonishment. Then she broke out into a peal of musical laughterand said:

"Pardon me, but, fearing to shock our esteemed guest inprivate as I did upon the occasion of our first meeting inpublic, when he disdained to answer one who had forgotten to beladylike, I deemed it best to call in a guise which, I am led tohope, will shield the wearer from his displeasure."

It was the President of Petticotia.

"May I hope that you will not consider my coming anintrusion?" she continued. "I deferred my visit as long as Ipossibly could, but my patience would not tide me over anotherday."

I begged her to be seated, assuring her that it was by nomeans an intrusion, and that it was quite unnecessary toapologize to one who, even were he free, would not allow it froma lady. "Ladies," said I, "are always welcome in the society ofcivilized men."

She bowed and thanked me, evidently flattered despite theunlawful words I employed. Then she inquired after my health anddeplored the fact that I was giving myself up to melancholy, whenall the world was happy and I might be likewise. She begged of meto be more liberal in my sentiments and to accommodate myself tothe customs of her country by yielding a trifling point here andthere. "'When you are in Sumar Viteneliz," said she, "'do as theSumar Vitenelizians do'—that is a good saying. I would haveyou go into society and be amused as well as lionized. Thecapital would be at your feet for the bravery which you—oneof the weaker sex, as they call it—have so latelydisplayed. Your fame has gone to the remotest parts of the landand scores of our senators and representatives have expressed awarm desire to meet you. Why will you, therefore, mope in silentgrandeur and debar me from the pleasure and honor of introducingyou to the bright side of life? You must see Sumar Viteneliz andstudy its better classes, and then you will learn to love thedear, gay city, even as I do, and forget your queer notions ofpropriety. You will then agree with me that customs should suitthe people, not people the customs."

"The President of Petticotia forgets," I replied, "that if herso-called guest prefers to mope in silent grandeur it is thrustupon him quite against his will."

"True," said she, "but with whom lies the fault? The hatefulold heads of the Dress Reform Court are worrying me, day afterday, for news of your compliance with the law. They are allconfirmed heshehaters. Few of their class have ever been married,and those who were so fortunate have been, with few exceptions,childless or unhappy in their family relations. Thus their milkof human kindness is somewhat soured and they are relentlesswhere heshes and the law are concerned. I do not love them, byany means, but they are necessary, and the laws are necessary, orhow could the wheels of government be kept in motion?"

I could not imagine by what gigantic motor the wheels ofPetticotia's government were moved at all. I could not see, inthe existing state of affairs, how they managed to have anywheels of government, or even a plain government without wheels;for I felt certain that at home we would have anarchy andterrorism, were the union subjected to a similar strain—allthis in private, however. Aloud I contented myself withexpressing my candid opinion of the Dress Reform tribunal and itsworthy judges.

"Pray do not condemn them too roundly—they are but whatsociety has encouraged them to become," said the President, afterlistening in silence. "And now let us converse upon subjectswhich will not anger you."

Then she requested me to tell her about the country from whichI professed to come. Were its shehes beautiful?—morebeautiful than herself, even as she was dressed now? She inquiredalso if all our heshes were as high-spirited as was I, and askeda great many other questions, all of which I politely and good-humoredly answered.

And thus she continued for several days, visiting me eachevening when at leisure, bearing me company at supper, andlistening greedily to my recitals when I consented to picture toher the glories of my native land. Each evening she wasdifferently arrayed—once it would be simple white, then arich shade of blue, or trailing cream-color. And, curiouslyenough, she declared herself greatly relieved by this change fromthe uncomfortable garments which the law assigned to her sex.Each day, too, she brought me a token of esteem, as she calledit, consisting of the latest publications, flowers, jewelry, orbric-à-brac; and one day there arrived, in somemysterious manner, a set of shining razors with which I almostfelt tempted to cut my throat when I remembered the degradingcustom at which they hinted.

Razors, I was informed by an officious attendant who broughtmy luncheon and eyed everything in the apartments with greedycuriosity, were very appropriate love-tokens. A case of half-a-dozen was most fashionable, as there was one for each day in theweek, excepting Sunday, and on that day no one who pretended toany piety would be found shaving. Nor was their use any longerconfined to the heshes, he continued. The shehes, too, would berequired to use them when the amendment to the social ethics lawswas adopted, and many were already cultivating their fields ofdown in the hopes of raising beards at an early day. Wereartificial mustaches not so uncomfortable, he ventured to assert,the looks of the shehes would have been vastly improved long erethis.

I stopped the fellow's flow of language and bade him tounderstand that nothing which was brought to these rooms by herexcellency must be spoken of as a present to me. She was atliberty to remove all her property from any part of the palace toanother, if she desired to do so. Whereat he clasped his hands inaffected horror and marveled how I could mistake her excellency'sintentions; and how I could find it in my heart to refuse thebeautiful presents, such as all the shehes made to those of whomthey were enamored.

One evening the President was playing a romantic air upon thepiano which occupied a corner of the parlor, while I sat at thewindow, building the thousandth plan for the restoration of theEagle and my escape.

Seized with a sudden whim she came to my side and reproachedme for not listening.

"I was listening as well as thinking, your excellency," Ireplied.

"Thinking of what? Why will you always think?" she asked,half-petulantly. "Still of your flying-bird or some fair shehe inAmerica whom you despair of seeing again—tell me, is theresuch a shehe there who claims your love? Or are you thinking ofcomplying with the prayer of one who sincerely wishes yourhappiness—your release from this irksome confinement?"

"I am thinking that if your barbarous government does notright my wrongs ere long, I may go mad and, leaping from thiswindow, end it all," said I, with an energy that caused her eyesto dilate.

"Yes," I continued, "men have been burned to ashes for theirprinciples; they have gladly died for liberty. Were it not that Iowe my country a service which cannot be accomplished throughblood, I would long since have met death in fighting for mymanhood."

"Oh do not," she pleaded, "pray do not speak ofdeath—you, who are so beautiful in your godlike defiance,are made to live and, by your gentler qualities, give happinessto others. Let me entreat you to be reasonable. What signifies itif, for a few years, you relax your American prejudices a little?After that you are free and will forget it all like a dullmasquerade upon a rainy afternoon. You will return home and tellyour countrymen of the cruel wrongs you suffered, and they, notknowing with what sadness of heart one added her persecutions toyour weight of woe, will comfort you and curse me and mypeople.

"Do I pain you? Shall I cease? Then please, oh, please, let usmake a compromise, whereby you will be enabled to walk out andenjoy the glorious air and iris-light. Then the color will comeback to your cheeks, you will find life a much less heavyburden.

"What if you thereby make a slight sacrifice? Have not I, too,made sacrifices during the past week—all for you, althoughI have won no appreciation, not even a notice of the fact, fromyou. Have I not stolen here in disguise, unlawfully attired, inorder to hear you speak to me? for I knew you were in earnest onthat fatal day my eyes first fell upon you, when you scornfullyrefused to converse with me because I was wearing the dress of mycountry. Am I not in accordance with the laws which I am sworn toenforce, even now unsexed in apparel? Do I not tremble when Ithink how easily the hirelings whom I must trust, may betray me?But what is that to you? Were I, the chief magistrate of therepublic, impeached and condemned to death for it, what would itmatter? Alas, why should it matter to you, who did not invitethis trial of my recklessness? But it is thus with the privilegedsex, the world over—we toil, we labor, and grow weary inour efforts to please them; we use diplomacy, we run risks, andwe fail. But what am I saying?—What possesses my tongue? Idid not come to reproach you, oh, beautiful heshe—I havespoken heedlessly and crave pardon.

"And why are you so handsome—so like an angel fromanother world, and why must I love you so vainly?—for Ilove you dearly, more than I can express in poor, weakwords—more than my soul's salvation; and if I could winyour love thereby, I would gladly beard destruction like thegallant knights of old, who did battles for their sweethearts.And if I could win it in no other way—much as I dreaddissolution—I would die to accomplish it and know you allmine for one brief day! Forgive me for thus unburdening my heavy-laden heart, for I can bear the anguish of silence no longer. Ilay my presidency—all that I possess of honors orriches—at your feet; share them with your devoted slave andspeak but one kind word in order that her pain may be turned tojoy. Oh, that I was less awkward and unskilled in pressing mysuit; but you know that my heart, my whole soul, is in mypleading, for I love you, love you—yes, adore you!"

"Madame, my dear madame, this is extraordinary—thispasses all human belief!" I exclaimed, mastering my consternationsufficiently to interrupt her rhapsody.

"You must not be surprised and angry with me, cruel, cruelAmerican, for when I put on these robes was it not only to panderto your prejudice? Did I lay aside, with the proper dress of mysex, the right to ask in marriage?"

"As it is not leap year, I am at loss to comprehend fromwhence you derive your so-called right," I replied. "No, as a manof family, I must not allow your excellency to persist in thismadness. You, too, may be subject to another's claim. Consider,therefore, that you speak that which, in your calmer moments, youwill shrink from as folly, if not wickedness, such as isaltogether unexpected from a woman of your exalted position."

"Oh, no, no, no; it is not wicked—it cannot be—Iwill not have it so!" she continued, bursting into tears, "andyou must not say so and break my heart. You have only to becomeaccustomed to it and you, too, will deem it proper that theheshes should listen to the wooing of the shehes. And as to theclaims of another—there are none, never were any, nevershall be. I am as free as the bird of the air to love you, andwhy, then, should I not ask you to wed me? I have loved myfreedom and should have remained a bachelor to my dying day hadnot the image of my dreams appeared before me in flesh and blood.I marry another?—I seek a consort among the degeneratepuppies of Petticotia? No! Much as I love my country and herlaws, I cannot love her heshes—I hate, I abhor them, forangling for me. They are not—not what one wants: and youare, for you are like the heroes of the old books which I savedfrom the public burnings, and that is partly why I tremble andlove you. You must not drive me to despair as heartless Naaseedid poor Iris-Eye—poor, wronged Iris-Eye, who had an empireto command but could not command the heshe of her heart! And,dearest love, do not, oh do not, again say that you are alreadymarried—or say the shehe who claims you is not handsome andyou do not care for her. If she be beautiful, say she does notlove you—she cannot, or how could she allow you, her hero,to depart from her side? And if I thought it were even so, thatyou are wedded elsewhere, and that on that account you would notwed me also, as the laws of Petticotia permit you to do, I wouldmake a funeral pyre of this palace and perish as did poor Iris-Eye; and you should not escape, though you were twice as strongas you are! But I must not talk thus. Let me entreat you to saybut one sweet word and all these dark brain-pictures will abatetheir torture. Say you will be mine—save me fromdespair—bid Lillibel Razmora hope and live."

"I beg of your excellency, let us terminate this scene. It ispainful, I may say, humiliating to me to see womanhood draggedthus low in the dust before my eyes. I will retire to anotherapartment and allow you to regain your self-possession," and thussaying I prepared to leave her.

"Oh, no, no, no! Stay and do not spurn me from you withcontempt, or I know not what I shall do!" she moaned piteously."Heavens, I am not at all myself. Ah, how this thing called loveunnerves me! Leave me and I shall at once let loose the horridhags of the Dress Reform Court, upon us both—no, I do notmean it! Come, you know I am but jesting. I am becoming a verywoman, as you would say—I shall grow hysterical for thefirst time in my life if you do not sit down and allow me to holdyour hand in mine and think the love I dare not utter!"

She had grown still more beautiful in her excitement. Herbreath came and went in flutters; a deeper carnation suffused hercheeks; her eyes were brimming over with tears, and altogethershe was a woman for whose hand the proudest of lovers in mycountry would sue as earnestly as she did for mine. I deploredthe fate which had brought us together, but notwithstanding mypity for her, every drop of blood in my veins revolted at herprinciples—or rather her lack of principles—heracquiescence in the accursed design to make women of men, and menof women.

She had gently detained me and seated herself on an ottoman atmy feet. Looking up out of the depth of her great, liquid-grayeyes, her lips quivering and an indescribable sadness in hervoice, she asked: "And will you not even be my friend? or as afather to me, for mine has long since ceased to be mine; and Ihave no mother, for she is dead; and no true friends with whom tobe natural and unaffected as I can with you. Kiss me and call mefriend, daughter, what you will—but kiss me!"

Could I refuse compliance when she begged of me in thatchildlike fashion, with not one trace of the man-woman in herbeseeching looks? Was it wrong that I touched her forehead withmy lips?—alas, she wound her arms about my neck as Istooped, and kissed me in return—hungrily and greedily, butnot upon the forehead.

"You love me! You love me at last, do you not?" she cried;"Oh, confess it and I am in heaven!"

This may strike the sensible American citizen as highlyridiculous, if not disgusting—this throwing away ofexcellency to a mere stranger, to one who, with less Pilgrimblood and Puritan honor in his veins might then and there havemade himself a villain. But ye who wonder at her of Petticotia'sinfatuation for me, a man, although of passable appearance, yetnot far from twice her age, recollect that after fifteen years ofthralldom there remained among her people not a serf worthy ofthe name of man, upon whom to lavish the love of an overflowingheart. Hers was but a partly stifled nature; she was, in defianceof all the laws of Petticotia, still a woman.

"Pardon me," I said in a quiet tone of voice, unwinding herarms. "I have kissed you because you requested it as might myeldest child at home. Take it as such and let us be friends, ifwe must. I am your prisoner and powerless to forbid your entrancehere."

Taking comfort in even so slight an assurance she smiled,kissed my hand in spite of my remonstrance, and arose to depart,when, suddenly recollecting something, she said:

"Dearest General, in my selfish anxiety I have forgotten toinform you that Professor Dixit and her associates in sciencehave this day begun operations upon your wonderful flying-monster."

I started as one thunderstruck. "What!" I exclaimed, "upon myproperty—upon the American Eagle? How dare they!Let me go at once and disperse the cowardly curs, the robbers,the vandals!"

"Pray, pardon me, I am so sorry," said her excellency, alarmedat my anger. "But they have only made a preliminary survey, anddo not begin the work of dissection until to-morrow."

"Dissection!" I almost yelled, "I must go at once and warnthem to attempt it at their peril. Dissect theEagle—my last hope—never!"

"And you shall go, and I will help you to save your property,"said the President. "Were it in my power you should go attired asyou are. But that cannot be as the final decree of the court,after I have prevented the execution of a death-sentence, isfixed and unalterable. There remains nothing but to yield enoughto satisfy the letter of the law. Farewell, therefore, and restin peace. Early to-morrow morning I shall have all inreadiness."

And thus saying, she disappeared.

CHAPTER X

General Gullible sacrifices his Apparel uponthe Altar of his Country—He celebrates his Deliverance fromPrison by a Descent upon Professor Dixit and her Fellow-Scientists—His Meeting with the Tall, Proud-looking Heshewho shook his Hand at the Palace.

KING RICHARD in his tent, tortured by the ghosts of hisvictims, could not have passed a much more miserable night thanthis, thought I, upon awakening next morning. In truth I had notbeen so perturbed in spirits since the memorable failure whichonce robbed me of fortune and parents at one remorselessblow.

Through many sleepless hours, until the color-lightning wasbeginning to wane, the struggle with myself and my pride hadcontinued. Then came victory and rest. My devotion to theachievement, which was to secure for the land of my birth theglory of first discovering the North Pole, had triumphed. TheAmerican Eagle must be preserved at all hazards: thatwas my conclusion. However low I might be compelled to degrade mymanhood, if placed upon the altar of my country it would besacrifice, not sin.

I was quite calm, therefore, when the President was announced.She came, attired in official costume, and her countenancebespoke great anxiety.

"Ah, good morning," she said, smiling as she beheld my air ofresignation. "I am glad to find General Gullible so nearlyreconciled to his terrible fate—terrible only in theanticipation. Shall we proceed with the work oftransformation?"

I bowed and replied that I was ready, still scrutinizing herapparel.

"Oh, you must not mind my coming in this form to-day,"whispered her excellency, "for they are almost at my heels, thehorrid ghouls, and I would not dare to masquerade, of course. Youmust—you will—pardon me, therefore. And tell me, haveyou really decided?—Oh, I am so glad!"

I smiled at her girlish fervor and assured her it was truethat I had chosen the better part of valor; but I yielded only sofar as to wear the prescribed dress out-of-doors; in private Iretained the right to put on what I pleased. Another point Iwished to impress upon her was that under no consideration couldI part with my mustache.

"Oh, pray say no more! This is not complying with the sentenceof the court at all," exclaimed the President. She continued,seriously: "The judges will not hear of it—the mustachemust off; they will insist upon it."

"Very well," I returned drily, "if my mustache must off, myhead must go off with it."

"Then they shall not insist upon it; for we cannot afford sonovel a tonsorial operation," said her excellency, pleased withher witticism. "I shall intercede for your mustache, and for yourprivilege of wearing what you please in private, but let that beall."

In obedience to a signal, an attendant now entered, half-smothered by the wardrobe which had been selected for me. Therewas a dress of dark satin, trimmed with velvet; a much-embroidered petticoat; a—but I can proceed no furtherwithout feeling ill. Suffice it to say that a complete outfitawaited me, and that everything was found in order,notwithstanding the President's fears, who declared that,generally speaking, her sex was very ignorant in regard to thesethings. She then placed the garments, boxes and bundles, in thecare of my male attendants, ordering them to retire to theseclusion of my sleeping-apartment and there assist me indressing. One of the number she appointed to wait upon me in thatcapacity at all times thereafter.

For a few moments, while I stared blankly at the strange goodsand at the attendants, I felt the old rebellion in my heart.* Butthe final conflict was brief. I summoned all my strength andexclaimed in a husky tone of voice:

"Lead on, I am ready!"

[* It is quite probable that my father has never read "DonJuan," not only for moral reasons, but because of his antipathyto most modern poetry—as witness the many odes to theseasons and in memoriams with which he annually fattened thewaste-basket in the Monitor office—yet, as I was about toobserve, in that much-abused and much-read creation of Byron's hemight have found a parallel to his present perplexity. Thepassage I allude to may be found in canto five and is asfollows:

"What sir," said Juan, "shall it e'er be told
That I unsexed my dress?" But Baba, stroking
The things down, said: "Incense me and I call
Those who will leave you of no sex at all."

Note by Jonathan Gullible, who edits the present narrative in accordance with his father's private instructions.]

After a female barber had ruthlessly removed from my face allthe hair I would allow, I was left in the hands of my attendants,under whose nimble manipulations I soon lost my identity. Uponregarding myself in the mirror, I saw that nothing remained ofthe American save the mustache. This relic of my departed glorycontrasted so strangely with the new character I had assumed,that the servants rolled over with laughter. When my anger thawedunder the influence of my image in the mirror, I too roared. Iwas almost inclined to relent from my resolve to preservesacredly the covering upon my upper lip, when one of theattendants suggested powder. With the aid of this cosmetic, theobjectionable feature was rendered almost invisible. Afterlistening to a few hints in regard to a proper gait anddeportment in general, I was led into the presence of the DressReform Court magnates, who had been in waiting for some time.

My late inquisitors received me with a half-haughty, halfunbending grace. The senior Judge expressed the gratification ofthe entire bench over the fact that the majesty of the law had atlast become respected. She also informed me that in considerationof my humbled attitude of mind, they had consented to thenullification of those points in my sentence conflicting with mydress in private and the wearing of a mustache. In order to makemy imprisonment less rigorous, she told me, in conclusion, it hadbeen decided that if I made a solemn oath to observe the terms ofmy commuted sentence and to attempt no escape until theexpiration of my sentence, I should enjoy the freedom of the cityat all such times as her excellency consented to. The Presidenthad become my legally appointed jailor and was responsible for mysafekeeping, thereby rescuing me from the close confinement ofthe National Dress Reform prison.

After administering the oath, which I took, after somehesitation, my word of honor being deemed insufficient, theshrivelled guardians of the new order of affairs bowed themselvesout with artistic awkwardness, and departed for their judicialstronghold.

"Thank heaven," murmured her excellency, when we were alone;"at last all danger is past. Now you may move about like a humanbeing. The carriage is in waiting, and, if you are ready, we willvisit Professor Dixit and the Eagle."

All the world stared upon beholding an unknown heshe sharingthe presidential carriage-and-four. Hats innumerable were liftedto me by dapper little senators, representatives, ambassadors andothers who had the honor of an acquaintance with the Shah ofSheheland. These were all out upon the avenues for a fashionablemorning airing, some in groups upon horseback, some in carriagesalone, and others with a heshe or two reclining languidly uponthe cushions by their side.

I felt ill at ease, to say the least, in my novel situation.Every moment it seemed as if somebody must charge me with being afraud and a vile not-what-I-seemed. The additional amount of hairupon my head seemed in danger of getting lost, and as for my hat,I could not feel it at all. The corsets, too, hugged me ratherclosely, and the patent breasts, although but inflated rubber,sat like a late supper upon my chest. However, it was not asdreadful as I had expected.

After our turn in the streets, we entered the park andproceeded to the rear of the palace. At the tent, which shelteredthe American Eagle, we came upon a curious group ofspectacled beings, who, upon the approach of the President,almost kissed the ground in the depth of their salutations. Theywere the scientific squad from the Dixit school, and wereawaiting the approach of their leader who had lagged behind toobserve the track which a common garden worm had made in crawlingacross the way.

When the chief of enthusiasts arrived, language was inadequateto express her delight at the unexpected honor. She was a veryslim person, dressed in funereal broadcloth and endowed with ashort nose, a long upper lip, high cheek bones, retreating chin,and eyes that gleamed through a pair of glasses like embers in ablack fire place. When she presently removed her shining high hatand absently ran her fingers through hair once raven black, Inoticed that her forehead clambered baldly over one-quarter ofher head and displayed prominently the bumps of firmness andself-esteem.

When the nature of my visit was made known to her, ProfessorDixit stared as one petrified. Recovering slowly from the shock,she remarked: "We claim the right of exploration under the newstatutes, and I can hardly believe that General Gullible has cometo overthrow all our hopes of one of the most brilliantachievements in archaeology—the noble science treating ofantediluvian birds and monsters—ever witnessed inPetticotia. Let him reconsider his rash determination. Surely hecannot have read the articles upon the subject in the Sixteenth Amendment, and the Sumar Vitenelizian? In anotherhour I had hoped to be able to proceed with the work ofdissection, after which we would be able to make a final reportupon the wonderful phenomenon with which chance has favoredPetticotia."

"But, my dear madame," said I, "with all due respect for thescience of archaeology and the press articles, which I have notperused, I cannot permit you to destroy property which it wouldbe impossible to replace in this country."

"But we have made our preliminary survey," protested theprofessor; "our preliminary report, as published, proves that weare the first discoverers of the true nature of this wonder. Asscience cannot lie, we must uphold that report."

"Ah, you have reported," I said rather grimly, "and pray whatis your opinion of the American Eagle?"

"Well," answered Professor Dixit, switched upon the righttrack, "we have, as I remarked, had the honor to make apreliminary report as well as some predictions; these we havesubmitted to the National Institute of the Scientific Associationof which I have the honor to be president, in hopes of verifyingthem by the practical work of investigation, and our report waslast evening published by an obliging press and perused by anintelligent public. Upon first viewing the monster, I wasinclined to assign it a place in the rank of some eagle species,for such its outward form, wings, head and talons seemed to proveit, although the total absence of feathers and the presence,instead, of a thick, impenetrable hide, did not escape my notice.This fact nonplussed some of us exceedingly and led to amomentary opinion that the bird must belong to a hitherto unknownspecies of cheiroptera, or, in plain words, that it was agigantic production of the bat family. Personally I was loth todiscard the eagle theory, and with a view to confirming myoriginal impression I compared it with the Imperialis, the AquilaChrysaestos, the Harpya, and other eagles, but I could find forit no place. I found many characteristics of those speciespresent, but taken as a whole there was something lacking. Atlast I bethought myself of some famous treatises in my library,which promised to cover the ground. And what was the ever-glorious result? I made a discovery—a discovery which, inall humility be it said, should hand the name of Dixit down tofuture generations. It was this: the great unknown is a phoenix!I have since drawn up proofs which warrant me in saying, withouthesitation, that one of these giants among birds has at lastvisited this continent. Their appearance, so far as I can learn,has hitherto been confined exclusively to the old world. Inancient history I have met with several instances, thedescriptions whereof strengthen my belief that I have hit thenail upon the head. I am satisfied that the impetuous bravery ofour soldiery alone deprived Petticotia of the opportunity ofseeing a phoenix expire in the flames and arise out of its ownashes. That this specimen was in the act of renewing its youthwhen slain, I cannot for a moment doubt. The question arises,would not the application of fire still give it a revitalizedform? I was almost tempted to stake my reputation upon theexperiment, last evening. As the chances of finding a deadphoenix, however, are so extremely rare, I was prevailed upon toanatomize this the only specimen observed for many centuries. Itwas agreed that after the work of dissection, which would give usa definite idea of the vast creature's internal structure andhabits, the remains should be committed to the flames, in thepresence of all the notables of the capital. As spirit andmatter, according to the argument of the eminent Dr. Greenshanksare inseparable, the entire bird must rise again from a funeralpyre containing all the remains. Thus the race of phoenixes willbe preserved to be discovered again by brother-philosophersthousands of years hence—glorious thought!"

Although I listened with the greatest amusem*nt to the learnedprofessor's theory, strange to say, it did not shake my belief asto the origin and nature of the flying-machine. "Sorry as I am todispel the pleasing illusion under which Professor Dixit and hercolleagues evidently labor," I said, "necessity compels me toprotect my property, which I am ready to claim in a legalmanner."

At that moment a messenger arrived and delivered to herexcellency a sealed envelope. She opened it and took therefrom adocument which she smilingly handed to me.

It proved to be an order from the civil courts restraining thescientists from trespassing upon what was alleged, upon knowledgeand belief of the chief executive herself, to be privateproperty. I informed the crestfallen vandals of its purport.

Professor Dixit, however, was far from satisfied, and hintedthat perhaps my claim could be disproved. She was prepared tosustain her theory by means of the fire-test, if I would agree toit; but failing to obtain any answer to this proposition,contented herself with challenging me to a discussion in thepublic prints, where, with all the courtesy due to my sex, Ishould soon be led to acknowledge my error. But I declined;whereat she became inconsolable.

The President expressed her regret that circ*mstances shouldhave arisen which must necessarily prevent her friends frompursuing their learned investigation, and thereupon thescientists took their leave, heavy-hearted.

Her excellency also instructed the guards to allow no one toenter the tent, save myself and such as had my permission. Thenfollowed a delicious drive in the park.

Upon our return to the palace I was in better spirits than Ihad been for many days. After dining with me and laughingheartily over the theory of Professor Dixit, the Presidentdeparted to attend to executive business, but not without firstgiving me permission to drive out when and where I pleased.

A carriage and horses, as well as servants to manage them andwait upon me, were placed at my disposal.

"In a few days," said her excellency, on the threshold, "Ihope to have the pleasure of introducing you to society. In themeanwhile I shall, with your permission, visit you in masqueradethis evening, to atone for the ugly sight which you have sopatiently endured to-day."

During the afternoon I availed myself of my newly-acquiredliberty and drove to the various addresses of eminent sheheengineers which I obtained from the directory. I consulted oneafter another with a view to engaging her to aid me in repairingthe American Eagle, but was disappointed, for not onepossessed such knowledge and aptitude as I required.

Returning homeward, near the palace, to my great delight, Iespied the tall, proud-looking heshe who took no notice of thepassersby and secretly menaced the presidential mansion.

Dismissing the vehicle, I approached as best I could, in myridiculous outfit, and addressed him respectfully.

He gave me a piercing look from his steel-gray eyes, notunmixed with surprise, which he carefully concealed, however.Then, suddenly relaxing his sternness, he bowed and inquired:"Have I the honor of addressing the distinguished foreigner whosefame is in everybody's mouth, and whose resolute stand againstthe tyranny of a conquest-crazed class has excited the admirationof thousands of our sex throughout the land?"

I started at his knowledge of myself, and replied that as astranger in a strange land, cut off from the rest of my kind, Ihad done what lay in my power to combat an unrighteous breach ofinternational law. I hoped, however, in spite of the indignitiesto which I was compelled to submit, to survive the years whichintervened between my degradation and the return to my own propercondition.

"Nobly spoken, sir; nobly spoken!" exclaimed the tall being,with the flashing eyes and a warm grasp of his hand. "ClarenceRazmora is glad to meet you, yes glad; and hopes to be honoredwith your further acquaintance."

I thanked him warmly and said I should be delighted to havehim call upon me at my quarters in the palace.

At the mere mention of the marble edifice he startedviolently, and then came a pace or two nearer. "Your patrioticutterances caused me to forget for a moment that I have somethingof importance to communicate to you," said he. "There is aconspiracy on foot in which you are deeply concerned."

"A conspiracy?" I echoed, in a voice which plainly spoke mysurprise.

"Hsh! Let us converse in undertones. I have seenher—once the high she-dragon of the Imperial Order ofCrowing Hens—who is now doing what mischief she can, in theguise of a captain of the guards."

"What, Pantaletta?"

"That same arch-enemy of man. Be on the alert against hermachinations. Her plots draw their inspiration from hell. I haveseen her within this hour, in secret conference with an arch-mountebank—one Dora Dixit."

I became all-absorbed in his words.

"I not only saw, but heard them, by a happy accident. Thesubject of their conversation was yourself and they flyingmonster in which you arrived on these accursed shores. Theyappointed a place of meeting for this evening—I noted itdown—and the followers of both will be there. There isvillainy in the air, and I half like it—I am a detective byinstinct. I shall watch their movements and inform you of theirpurposes. Call upon me to-morrow morning. I cannot visit you, forreasons which you may learn later. And now adieu, for we areattracting attention." Thus saying, he pressed into my hand acard inscribed with his address, and disappeared among thecrowd.

It was somewhat late in the evening, while I was silentlyreviewing the day's events and dwelling more particularly uponthe terrible woman who seemed determined to annoy me, that thePresident made her appearance.

She inquired half-a-dozen times if I felt very much fatiguedby my out-door dress; how I enjoyed my freedom; how I liked thecity, and whether I was glad I had yielded to her counsel. "Younow see, dear General, that I am laboring for the best. And youhave made me happy this day—I cannot describe how veryhappy, and I want to thank you ever so much. And now I can takeyou out to see the world as it is, and you are no longer obligedto remain entombed alive. Is it not glorious?"

Her excellency was a good conversationalist and never tired ofdescribing society and the amusem*nt world. Concerning thegovernment and politics, she said very little. Her great ambitionwas to see me cut a brilliant figure in the fashionable world,and to this end she instructed me with true feminine tact,pretending to be a heshe at times and going through the latestforms of etiquette for my benefit. She deplored the fact that thewearing of mustaches by heshes was condemned in society, for sheadored mine, and declared it was a shame to hide it under powder.The opera, the new play, the coming ball at the academy, wereamong the amusem*nts she hoped I would enjoy. Then, first of all,there was a presidential levee to be given in my honor as soon asI felt confident enough for a formal presentation to thedistinguished guests who would be present.

Noticing my continued abstraction, she sighed next and askedme if I was fatigued or troubled. Then she sighed again and gazedafar off, over the trees in the park. At last she said:

"Oh, I had quite forgotten—I have a new song I wish tosing to you; the music is by a talented young virtuoso who isdestined to become famous some day, and as to the words—Iwish you to tell me whether they are pretty or not."

And playing an accompaniment, on the piano, she sang in a verysweet voice, the following words which were set to a jaunty butnot unmusical air:

As doth growling bear to bear,
As doth timid hare to hare,
As doth nature great and small,
So my heart to thee doth call.
Darling, to the terrace come;
Meet me when the beetles hum
In the dying iris-light,
And all else is quiet quite.

In the hours attuned to love
Let us o'er the terrace rove,
And hear what the breezes say
To the ivy in their play.
Then, perchance, my arm may creep
Round they waist, ‘neath tresses deep,
While we stand and listen to
Notes with which the robins woo.

Should thy weary head recline
On my lovelorn breast, and mine
Seek thy ruby lips, anon,
Who shall blame us, love? Oh, none!
For to love is but to live,
Kiss to take is but to give:
Therefore give me kisses sweet—
Kisses, kisses when we meet!

There, are the similes not striking? What do you think of thesentiment?" asked the singer.

I narrowly escaped blundering into the "owing to theovercrowded state" and "having inadvertently mislaid" formulaswith which editors begin their apologies to the rhyming world,but recovered from my absent-mindedness in time to remark, "Ithink it is a pretty—quite a—a—graceful fancy.By your excellency, I presume? I had not suspected you of being adweller on Parnassus."

This incautiousness naturally led to a poetical conversation.Did I love poetry? Had I perused the lyrics of Skihi?—ofcourse not, but she would bring them and read to me a little nowand then. Skihi was the fashion just now and all the heshes wereraving over her productions.

Thanks to the President's volubility, I was spared manyawkward answers. I am not convinced that, when she bade me goodevening, she knew my opinion of the modern sentimentalists, whosemuch-diluted, rose-scented agony of words is called poetry, but Ido know that Skihi's frolics of fancy, and numerous other amatoryverses, gradually found their way to my retreat.

CHAPTER XI.

General Gullible visits the last of thePetticotian Romans—Becomes acquainted with a LinealDescendant of the Phalanx-Breaker—Also with the strangeConspiracy of Captain Pantaletta and Professor Dixit.

ALL morning, for the first time since my arrival inPetticotia, I saw the rain descending as if heaven were weepingits eyes out. The trees in the park shrugged their shoulderschillingly, and the little birds in the branches chirped theirnotes of condolence. The flowers and shrubs and grass-bladesgasped for breath. The lakes and streamlets swelled in importancelike aldermen at a banquet. The streets and sidewalks becamepurified until they seemed strewn with silver sand. And when theshower had ceased all nature came forth and sang a song of joy.The people thronged the thoroughfares and discussed the blessingwhich had fallen. The air became soft and balmy again, and onlythe increased freshness and cleanliness remained to tell of whathad taken place.

I bade my gaily-uniformed new coachman—or, rather my newcoachwoman—to drive me to 1857 Rumbleton avenue. I say newcoachwoman, for, my old one, after serving a day, had eloped witha wealthy young heshe who had become inspired with a yearning forromance by the story-papers of the day. Eloping coachwomen, Ilearned, were the rule, and not the exception, here. Hundreds ofsimple-minded heshes, both married and single, annually becamethe victims of these liveried heart-breakers. Wealth and beautywere invariably laid at their feet, so that the supply ofspeculative coachwomen was at all times greater than the demand;and, as a consequence, the best drivers could be engaged for nextto nothing.

Arriving at my destination, I was ushered into a well-furnished parlor by a servant of my own sex. A moment later mytall friend of the noble demeanor, Clarence Razmora, grasped myhand saying:

"General Gullible—the gentleman himself—as I live.Welcome to Razmora hall. I have been hoping for your arrival, forI have news to communicate."

He instructed the servants to relieve me of my superfluousslave-trappings, alluding to my bonnet, gloves and other costlyfinery.

"All heshes," said he, smiling grimly while I closely regardedthe persons in waiting. "We manage to exist without the shehes.But let us ascend to the Rookery and converse at leisure.Dandelion is there; Chatterbox also, but otherwise it isquiet."

With these words he led the way through an elegant hallway, uptwo flights of stairs, and opened a richly-carved door.

As we were about to enter, an unearthly voice, by way ofgreeting, shrieked out:

"Woman, thou art the daughter of the devil!"

Such bitter emphasis was laid upon the last word of theshocking exclamation that I confessed myself rather startled.

At a large writing-desk, in one corner of the room, a slightform was bending over a pile of manuscript, but so absorbed inthe occupation that I was certain the cry had not proceededthence. A table covered with books and papers, a book-case,perfume-blowing plants, a sofa, easy-chairs, a large emptycage—these were the leading objects which caught my eyes asI hastily scanned the apartment.

"Ah, the rogue," said my host, smiling at my puzzledexpression. "Where is he hiding? Come, sir, and make your bow toa gentleman."

With another half-finished "Woman, thou art"—a largebird hopped forth from under the sofa and, after bowing politely,examined me in a critical manner. It apparently belonged to somespecies of prodigious Indian parrots, and returned the caressesof its master with almost human affection.

"Chatterbox is a philosopher whose equal it would be difficultto find," continued Razmora; and then, waving his hand slightly,"and this is what we call our Rookery—we three rooks. Butexcuse my neglect," housing the bird and turning to the silentfigure buried in the manuscripts, "Dandelion!"

The delver in the mines of hidden knowledge turned with astart, arose to his feet and showed some confusion upon becomingaware of my presence.

"My worthy friend and companion, Sir Archibald Dandelion,"said my host, formally introducing us, "lineal descendant ofDandelion the Phalanx-Breaker, fighter of the famous duel withtooth-picks at three yards. Dandelion, this is General IcarusByron Gullible, the celebrated stranger whom we listened to withso much gratification when he made his noble defense, unterrifiedbut terrifying—General Gullible of the, to us unfortunatelyunknown, but nevertheless glorious, republic of the UnitedStates."

Sir Archibald timidly grasped my extended hand and in a shy,half-frightened manner murmured his delight at meeting so worthya gentle—he might say gentleman?—with an anxious looktoward my host, who nodded.

I thanked the little man and hoped we should meet often. Inspite of his retiring manners and the droll effect of his loose,priest-like gown, he was an engaging personality. I could nothelp feeling that he was devoted in his friendship and possessedof rare knowledge. His face was somewhat furrowed and careworn;sorrow, privation and silent suffering had left their stamp uponhis features.

Chatterbox, who had been eyeing me with a suspicious leer,here broke forth; "I know you—you are a woman—adaughter of the devil—a necessary evil—a naturaltemptation—a domestic peril—a deadly fascination anda painted ill. You have the best place and choicest tidbits attable; the best seats in the cars, carriages and sleighs; yourchoice on which side of the bed you will lie. You cannot lovebecause you are too selfish. You may have a fancy, but that isfleeting. Your smiles are deceit. Your vows are traced in sand.You are a thread of candor within a web of wiles. You aredeception every way—hair, teeth, complexion, heart, tongueand all. If man trust you, let him give up all hope ofheaven!"

This fierce arraignment caused Razmora to laugh heartily. "Heis unused to strangers and mistakes your apparel for that of thecreature he once knew as woman," he explained. "He will learnbetter soon. He will cut another wisdom tooth when he sees youassume masculine habits." So saying my host approached a side-board which had been hidden from view by a scarlet curtain andproduced wine, glasses and a box of cigars. Placing them upon thetable he continued:

"Now let us have a sip of our best, and a smoke, and enjoyourselves like men. Ah," looking disapprovingly upon myconscientious dress, "it is a pity you have allowed them to fityou out so dreadfully. We take it easier. Outwardly, as a matterof form, we comply with all the requirements of the law and ouroaths, but we have simplified things considerably—eh,Dandelion? For instance, our hair is of natural growth only, tiedin a knot behind, like a painter's brush; our head-gear is of thesimplest kind—a hat with a feather or a ribbon attached;our dress is very little worse than a gentleman's dressing-gownof the olden time; high-heeled shoes we abhor, and as forcorsets, jewelry and other tomfoolery, they trouble us verylittle at Razmora hall. In one respect only you seem to have theadvantage over us and that is in the wearing of your mustache, soadmirably concealed, from a distance."

I laughingly informed him that I had more privileges than hewas, perhaps, aware of. One of them was that, as a reward for allmy discomfort in public, I was allowed to wear the properclothing of our own sex in the privacy of my apartments.

"I congratulate you sincerely upon your good fortune," saidRazmora. "And now for a smoke." Out of manly courtesy I accepteda proffered roll of tobacco and lighted it, although I was rathera novice in the fumigating art. My attempt was witnessed byChatterbox, who evinced his satisfaction by a number ofconciliatory croaks.

"Thank Providence," remarked my host, puffing the white smokein a tranquil manner, "the Social Ethics Court does not rob us ofthis last comfort. By some happy oversight they have omitted toprescribe what we shall eat, drink and smoke; although in regardto smoking, custom has shifted the habit almost entirely upon theshehes. The degenerate and cowardly heshes now dip snuff or chewgum. What is your opinion of this woefully disordered country,General Gullible?"

"Until within a very short time," said I, "it has to me seemedentirely peopled with lunatics, if I may so express myself."

"Quite right—lunatics. Be candid and fearless—eh,Dandelion? We have always been outspoken, have we not? But bloodwill tell; blood will tell, and I have always maintained as much.Doubtless General Gullible has noble, if not royal, blood flowingin his veins also. That would account to my satisfaction for theuniform bravery he has displayed in Petticotia."

"I regret to say that I cannot share in any doctrine whichdistinguishes one blood from another, or which lays the slighteststress upon birth or inherited rank," I replied with firmness."Such ideas would be atrociously at variance with republicaninstitutions. I had the good fortune to be born under aDeclaration of Independence which says, 'We hold these truths tobe self-evident, that all men are created equal,' and I amcompelled, therefore, although with the greatest respect for youropinions, to disclaim all participation in the royal, or evennoble blood, beliefs of bloated monarchies."

My worthy entertainer forgot his cigar in his astonishment,and Dandelion's amazement was blankly visible.

"What," at last exclaimed the former, half-sorrowfully, "isthere then no joy without its alloy? Can you really entertain sosmall a regard for the better classes of humanity? I can hardlyrealize that you are serious. Take my own family, for example:could I have been so untrue to is noble lineage as to drag itscolors in the dust, after the manner of many thousands, I wouldnot marvel at our visitation. When the new fanaticism delugedPetticotia, fifteen years ago, what preserved my manhood but theremembrance that some of my ancestors fought in the times of KingBatterbull, the Barbarian, and that one intermarried with the kinof royal Bucer, the Conqueror? Was I, whose forefathers were bornto command armies and nations, to run my neck into a yoke? Itmight have been quite otherwise had I been born a clodhopper,devoid of the finer instincts. Then there is SirArchibald—what added moral stamina to his backbone andsaved him, but the remembrance, which I was careful to keepbefore him, that his genealogy is clearly traceable to the timesof Dulniff, the Kingmaker, under whom fought Dandelion, fighterof the immortal duel, of whom the poet-chronicler wrote:

'One thousande grizzled gentlemenne
Trot boldlie by hys syde'—

that is, are commanded by him. No small matter was it when theEarl of Falconridge, made furious by the favors which the LadyLucinda but too plainly showed the great Phalanx-Breaker,challenged the latter to a duel with tooth-picks. True, tooth-picks, ordinarily considered, are not formidable weapons, butthose employed in this ever-memorable encounter, were needle-pointed and poisoned, so that, penetrating the skin but the one-thousandth part of an inch, death would immediately ensue. Bothchampions laid aside their armor and bared their iron frames tothe thighs, in obedience to the terms of battle. The witnessescame prepared to see death. The great Phalanx-Breaker's dexterityproved to be of a superior order, for it is recorded in ancientprose that before the stiff and haughty Falconridge could poise asecond weapon—his first having missed itsaim—Dandelion, by a careless toss of the hand, 'drave yetoothe-picke up to ye lattermost ende into ye Earle's navelle.'It appears that it had been the custom of the Phalanx-Breaker, upto his forty-fifth year a bachelor, to sew on his own buttons,and upon each occasion, after completing his task, to hurl theneedle against a particular spot on the castle-window, where itwould stick until another button came off. Thus he acquired theunerring skill which served him so well. Thus much about thewarrior whom Sir Archibald now represents. That he is a worthyscion of so noble a stock, Dandelion has amply demonstrated."

The Pilgrim-Father blood grew rather warm in my veins whilelistening to this exaltation of mere descent. I could notreconcile their foolish pride in blue blood with republicanideas. Lest our pleasant intercourse should founder upon thisrock of dissension, however, I said:

"I am sorry to confess that, while I appreciate the noblenessof your narratives, I cannot lay at the feet of ancestry everyremnant of human greatness that is found among us, or thank thedry bones of past ages for everything in which we might justlygive ourselves credit. You, on the contrary, worship in thatdirection. Let us respect each others' opinions and avoidhopeless controversy."

"Wisely and moderately spoken; wisely and very moderately,"commented my host, whiffing the smoke from his cigar with renewedvigor and gazing on the city below for a moment. "And now let usdismiss these trivialities and I will, with your permission,continue my more important disclosures of yesterday."

I signified my eagerness to learn the upshot of the conspiracywhich so closely concerned myself, and begged him to proceed.This he did as follows, after Dandelion had supplied Chatterboxwith a lump of sugar for which the bird had been making louddemands for some time:

"As you will recollect, I informed you that among the personsabout to engage in this conspiracy are a certain CaptainPantaletta and one Professor Dixit. I have unearthed all thedetails of their villainy. The place appointed for their meetingwas a lonely dell in the park. There I managed to conceal myselfbefore their arrival and thus became a witness of theirproceedings." Razmora enveloped himself in another cloud of smokeupon reverting to certain recollections which threatened to upsethis gravity:

"There, upon a log, sat the arch-fiend; upon a grassy knollopposite, reclined the arch-mountebank. Around them, in a circle,eleven high hats bobbed assent to everything that was said,eleven little students underneath, furnishing the motive power.This unlucky group of thirteen robbed you of your life anddestroyed your Eagle in less than anhour—figuratively, of course. The arch-fiend, as usual, wasvoluble of tongue, and even while inciting the others to murder,repeated the platitudes of bygone days, acting so strangely attimes, that I have no doubt she was practicing insanity in orderto be held irresponsible should her foul deed be discovered. Sheread aloud from an evening paper an account of your submission tothe dress-laws and the singular exception made in your favor bywhich you are allowed to wear your mustache. This seemed toexcite her greatly. 'What!" she exclaimed, '"my mustache or mylife." He would rather lose his head than his lip-covering. Bythe Shah of Sheheland, he shall lose both! What, tantalize us bytwirling the stiff bristles in our face, and flatter himself thatthe shehes all envy him? He will lay great stress upon it as abadge of superiority: well, we will give him the benefit of hisbragging, since beards are worn by goats, monkeys and otherinferior animals." She then proposed your death by openassassination with sword or pistol, the perpetrator of the deedto be designated by lot. To this the shrinking mountebankdemurred, alleging that it was too risky. Better decoy you to thespot upon which they were deliberating and there suddenlydispatch you. 'I myself will bait the trap,' said she. 'He hasinsulted me before the eyes of the world, and I have sworn notonly to be revenged but to see my theory verified. I will, byletter, request him to meet me here, in secret, for I am watched.I have information to communicate which will enable him toprevent the destruction of his property (as he calls it) by arival of mine who has vowed to prove her theory correct at allhazards. He shall come in the witching hours ofdalliance—just before downy-iris—when all the worldis steeped in sensual pleasures and even the palace guards areslyly visiting their hesheloves. Our messenger shall at theappointed time guide him to this fatal spot—'

"'And here,' broke in Pantaletta, 'half-a-dozen trustworthyyoungsters of my command—old birds in deviltry—shalloverpower and dispatch him, after which you and your studentsshall bear the body to the college and prepare it in accordancewith my directions. If this exploit is successful I swear to you,my dear Professor Dixit, that you shall have the satisfaction ofburning the phoenix, as you call it. Yes, you shall create for ita miniature hell and your devils shall dance around it in highglee—a hell such as the church without shehes, believing ina male and jealous God, once shook at trembling sinners.'

"'But when shall this thing be done?' queried one of the highhats, in that piping voice which makes me temporarily ill. At theword 'when,' they all turned pale and shook like aspen-leaves—all save the she-dragon who laughed at their fearsand proposed that on this very evening your soul (if you have asoul) be equipped with wings.

"Then followed a lengthy discussion. The mountebank and herstudents counseled more deliberation—more preparation forthe bloody work. In obedience to their entreaties the conferencewas adjourned for one week, at the end of which time your day ofdeath is to be irrevocably determined."

"This is cheerful information, indeed, but I will endeavor tobear up bravely under it," I remarked, half-amused by therecital, and yet astounded that so determined an attempt upon mylife should be projected by persons whom I had never injured, butwho, on the contrary, had already wronged me.

"And what is your advice as to my conduct when the fatalmessenger arrives?" I asked.

Razmora's face assumed a fierce look. Shaking his clenchedhand at an imaginary palace and bringing it down suddenly uponthe table, he exclaimed: "Heap confusion upon theirheads—beard the cowardly rabble in the den of their ownchoosing. Teach them a lesson. Dandelion and I will approach thespot with the stealth of cats on tip-toe and await your arrival.Conceal a trusty sword about your person, as well as a pair ofpistols, one loaded with blank cartridges, and we will dolikewise. I warrant you and there were fifty of these femaleknaves, they would all take to their heels at the sight of us.Oh, it would do my old heart good to frighten the she-dragon andthe mountebank—they deserve it and a hundred timesmore—eh, Dandelion?"

It was accordingly agreed that, upon receiving the letter fromProfessor Dixit, I should inform my friends, who would at oncetake measures to thwart the base designs of the conspirators.

CHAPTER XII.

General Gullible listens to the History ofPetticotia's Downfall—First Symptoms of a Terrible Maladywhich seized a Nation—Lovely Woman's Revolt—TheDeification of the Ballot.

MY secret visits to Razmora hall became frequent andembraced the truly bright hours which I enjoyed during mydetention in Petticotia. We conversed upon many subjects ofmutual interest. I described America, our people andinstitutions, the Eagle and my eventful voyage. Razmora,at my request, among other things, narrated the history of thedownfall of the Petticotian republic.

"Less than half a century ago," he began, "Petticotia was theboast of every freedom-loving being. The shield of the only truerepublic which the world had ever known was spread from thetropics to the frigid zone and from ocean to ocean. The oppressedof all nations—those who had long groaned under thepitiless restraint of monarchies—flocked to her shores.They breathed the pure air of her free hills and valleys andboundless plains, and felt their souls revive.

"Petticotia grew rich and benevolent, and as her childrenmultiplied so multiplied her indulgence.

"True, she was not without her passing afflictions. Nationaltroubles might arise; commercial crises might come; pestilencemight creep like a destroyer in the dark; perchance the cropsmight fail. But these things came not to stay. Petticotia couldsmile at them, even through her tears.

"All this was in the golden bygone, for, alas, there came anaffliction which was not temporary—a cruel malady whoseeffects are even now everywhere visible.

"It has been truthfully remarked that nations, as well asindividuals, are prone to madness. History mirrors the freaks ofthese mammoth patients as they strut about in their terrestrialmadhouse.

"The worship of progress had reached its height in Petticotiawhen this unholy spell began to assert its influence over heremasculated citizens. The people who by simple inventionsproduced results which would have been regarded as supernatural,even miraculous in other days, looked upon changes of the moststartling nature as everyday occurrences. Nothing excited theirastonishment; they believed all things possible. As an evidenceof their credulity, I may mention the fact that to the shrine ofmedical quackery alone they brought an annual tribute of millionsof dollars. Gigantic swindles of every kind—religious,social, political and financial—became the rule. Theshrewdness of the Princes of Humbug was exalted as a godlikeattribute, even by their victims.

"Need we marvel, then, that the Genius of Mischief selectedPetticotia as the theater of his latest high carnival?

"At the waving of his elfish wand a new kind of being spranginto existence. First one and then another and another, likecrickets in the wood, they lifted up their doleful chirp.

"They bore the outward semblance of women, but were endowedwith masculine minds—I might almost say, masculine natures.Poor spirits unfortunately housed, they were devoured by aperpetual desire to assume the character of man. Their hatred ofthose who, in the virility of their manhood, found nothing toadmire in such freaks of nature, knew no bounds; but such men asproved susceptible to their peculiar influence and, sympathizingwith the exceptions, became maudlin over the whole race of woman,they venerated as saints unnecessarily detained on earth.

"From their earliest recollection they were, according totheir own confession, disappointed women. As female Ishmaelites,whose hands were destined to be against everybody, theyquestioned the truth of all things. With the first doubt of herfather's absolute wisdom came a distrust of all men's opinions inthe heart of each. They resolved, therefore, to recognize nohigher authority than their own judgment.

"And, as they grew up, their chirpings became audible to theworld at large and rose to a buzz about their own ears, which,they flattered themselves, must be a very tempest in theland—a grand uprising, a new revolution, heralded by athousand voices and pens. They talked grandiloquently of theinjustice which had brooded over the character and destiny ofone-half the human race. They made themselves a new standard bywhich all womankind should be judged, and pronounced their Mene,Tekel upon all who dared to differ with them.

"And as they grew older and gained followers—in a worldwhere every fanatical tenet, every visionary theory, every ism ofthe hour, finds ready believers—it was observed that vanityand egotism were added to their self-assertion. Their ambitionbecame unbridled. One announced herself as a candidate for theoffice of senator and enumerated her combined excellencies as wemight catalogue those of a horse or a plant. Another, havingmanaged to creep into the judicial fold, wrote in blazing letterswherever she went, 'I am the first and only woman admitted topractice in the supreme court—forget it not when I am acandidate for the chief-justice-ship.' Still another one—aninfamous person whom you know as Pantaletta—who had beenthe Apostle of Free Love in her youth, put on the robes of anangel of purity and, in a foreign land, imposed upon one of theworld's greatest men of letters (then unfortunately approachinghis dotage) and at his hands received the nomination of perpetualcandidate for the Presidency of Petticotia. You marvel that onewho has sunk so low should once have aimed so high. I might citeother examples which would cause you not only to marvel but toshudder.

"The enthusiasts of the abnormal brood, not entirelyunconscious of the glory which would attach to the act, declaredthat they would offer up their lives with triumphant thanksgivingif martyrdom could secure the realization of their fantasticdreams. They have, unfortunately, lived to see them realized,without making the sacrifice. Others, thirsting after the famewhich they would not be enabled to enjoy after death, compiledhuge minutes of their battles with man and infused into the dullmass such eulogies of one another as not only proved highlyamusing but displayed an ingenuity which would have done creditto the original mutual admiration society. They gloried in beingthe most pertinacious incendiaries in the whole country. Theyattached to their torch-bearings an importance which was superb,informing their awe-struck adherents that it required a heroismwhich the world had never yet recognized and which thebattlefield could not supply.

"They took a fierce delight in conventions, to which theyinvited mobs at a profitable rate of admission, and characterizedtheir gatherings as divine—as taking hold of heaven, to saynothing of mammon. Pantaletta, I believe, was the keeper of themoney-bags and never neglected to remind the friends, beforeseparating, how their noble enterprise might be advanced.

"One of their marked peculiarities was that, personally, eachone desired to be considered the perfection of womanly grace andrefinement, and this while advocating the obliteration of alldistinction between the sexes. Even when brazenly strutting aboutin man's apparel, they rebelled with indignation the charge ofbeing mannish and unwomanly.

"Their following was of a motley complexion—Christianand atheist, Jew and Gentile, spiritualist and materialist,orthodox and heterodox; even the turbulent elements of communismand free love were not wanting.

"That the leaders were hotly contentious even amongthemselves, is in evidence. During a serious breach they did nothesitate to hope in public that all wisdom did not die with suchand such an one; and especially violent were they when a onceardent disciple became pettish and backslided. Such were witheredwith a depreciating remark in the minutes, or described as time-serving. So violently did this jar, at times, upon thesensibilities of the male admirers of the fair disputants thatsome were forced to make the heart-rending announcement that theyhad but little faith in the movement, because it was not inproper hands and because the proper hands were not yet to befound.

"But however diverse in their religious and other opinions,all members of the new body politic agreed in denouncing theclergy who threw into their midst much holy shot and shell inorder to convince them that they were in open rebellion againstthe Most High. From these tyrants of the pulpit, they declared,came the most determined opposition. 'Instead of taking thetruths of the Bible in corroboration of the right, our enemiesturn over its pages to find examples and authority for wrong. Wesee no need to appeal to any written authority, when it is soobscure as to admit of different interpretations. The human mindis greater than any book.'

"In order to insinuate themselves into the favor of themasses, they found it necessary to be Janus-faced. While with onepair of lips they exalted domestic virtues and protested that thebest possible employment for women is in the care and managementof their own households and the rearing and training up ofchildren, with the other they lost no opportunity to sneer atthose who were thus engaged, heaping upon them such epithets ashousehold drudges, blanks and ignorant slaves. When theremorseless purpose of their hearts overcame their caution, theyeven boldly denied that the first mission of woman is toperpetuate the human race. They claimed that the woman is greaterthan the wife or mother. So low did the latter sink in theirestimation that she did not compare even with inanimate things,judging from flippant babblings like the following: 'Nor doesmotherhood compare with the lofty ambition and devotion of theartist whose children of the brain beckon her upward into anideal world of beauty.' Another evidence of their insincerity wasthat, while on the one hand they declared, 'We do not believethat man is the cause of all our wrongs; we do not fight men, butprinciples,' on the other it was fiercely reiterated that man hadmonopolized their rights through calculation, actuated by aspirit of pride, a desire for dominion.

"They spent many fruitless years in endeavoring to frame anoriginal argument in favor of their peculiar position, but wereat last obliged to creep, like hermit-crabs, into the armor wornby man, during his battles for humanity at large. They buckled onhis declaration, that all men are created equal, first wrappingaround themselves some fine verbal linen of their own weaving,such as: 'If man is created equal, then is woman; and if man andwoman are created equal, then they must have the right to bealike.' They affected to forget that, although in a certain senseone human being is the peer of all the rest, conditions andlimitations exist—such as natural capacity, education,wealth, poverty, ignorance—which in reality place more thanone-half the race beneath, even at the mercy of, the other. Theydisdained to acknowledge that, if governments derive their justpowers from the consent of the governed, that consent can begiven by all without destroying the family, society, and thedistinction between the sexes (which, like the positive andnegative qualities of the magnet, once lost, would render man andwoman mutually unattractive.)

"Their wild striving after the unattainable, graduallydeveloped a passionate deification of the ballot. They countedeverything else chaff—the Bible—thefamily—society—in the contemplation of this forbiddenfruit. Gladly would they go husbandless if allowed to wed thisidol of their fancy—this amulet which, like the charm ofthe savage would protect them against every danger and ill; thisPhilosopher's Stone, which would turn every base thing intopolitical pure gold; this cure-all, which would bring health,wealth and happiness to all who worshiped it. Their souls seemedpossessed of the mania that to make laws is to enforce them, thatthe age of muscular force is past, and that to say to armedvillainy on the highway of life, 'lie down,' is to make lambs oflions.

"The ballot, too, would make them eligible to office, and thiswas the Ultima Thule of their desires. To hear the legislativehalls resounding to their voices, was music sweet even in thecontemplation. This one cherished purpose they sought to disguiseby adding a thousand-and-one other demands which might please thefancy of the lowly and throw around themselves the halo ofchampionship, such as: 'Freedom to toil; permission to supportourselves; to be held responsible for our deeds; to be respectedas a free competitor of man; the abolition of Salic laws;marriage without lordly assumptions and humiliating concessions;the right to sit as jurors; and the organization of courts ofconciliation as peacemakers,'—the latter being especiallysignificant.

"'There is,' said they, 'the same necessity for a union inpublic as in private life. If the woman should not leave herfamily to go to the legislature, neither should the man; theobligation is mutual. Woman ought to mingle in all theoccupations as if physical differences did not exist.' Inunguarded moments they acknowledged that they aimed at nothingless than an entire subversion of society."

"And," I made bold to interrupt the narrator, "did the hewersof wood and carriers of water—that vast majority of men wholiterally earn their bread in the sweat of their brows—alsosuddenly realize that they were much-abused slaves whose duty itwas to bemoan their fate because they were not born women, evenheiresses that loll in perfumed chambers?"

Razmora smiled sadly. "Alas, poor fools," said he, "theythought of nothing of the kind. That was left for the softlingswho were but men in name.

"The war of words," he continued, "was carried on with vigorfrom year to year. We contended that such rights as are naturalare enjoyed as fully by women as by men. Suffrage is not anatural right, neither does taxation confer it, since minors andaliens who pay taxes may not vote. Such rights as are merelypolitical, women should be relieved from in order that they mayattend to greater and more complicated responsibilities. It isbetween the sexes as between the races, the strongest rules. Manin the legislature is the representative of his district, of non-voters as well as voters, and must watch over the interests ofall. As mother of the man-child, woman can instill such highprinciples into his moral being as shall cause him in his manhoodto be just and honorable not only towards his sisters but alsotowards his brethren. As in governments there must be somerecognized head to control and direct, so must there be acontrolling and directing power in the family, and who is betterfitted to protect the hearthstone than he whose strong arm isable to keep at bay the intruder? The moral field belongs towoman, and in it she exercises ten times more influence for goodthan she could by becoming a politician. Were married women tovote with their husbands nothing would be gained. Were they toespouse different measures, discord would invade the most sacredof places, for of all human strife that engendered by politics isthe most bitter, often ending in bloodshed, even murder. All theefforts of society are for the elevation of woman. Were she tobecome the railing partisan, that deference which is shown to herwould disappear. In the wild race for office the campaignslanderer would not spare even her honor. As far as any claims,other than political, were concerned, we showed that womenalready enjoyed the privilege of doing everything of which theywere capable.

"There were many whose opposition was much more radical. Amongthese were the clergy, who spoke of woman as an after-thought ofthe Creator. They held that the laws of god are plainly Salic,and that no lesson is more frequently taught in the Bible thanwoman's subjection. 'If the Creator had desired the equality ofwoman,' said they, 'He would have given some token of His will.The original cause of sin was that man gave way to woman, gave uphis judgment to her, and therefore the curse fell upon him.' Theleading journals of the land described the incendiaries in termswhich were designated by the latter as satanic. 'They generallyare thin maiden ladies or women who, perhaps, have beendisappointed in their endeavors to appropriate the breeches oftheir unlucky lords. They violate the rules of decency and tasteby attiring themselves in eccentric habiliments which hangloosely and inelegantly upon their forms, making that which wehave been educated to respect, to love and admire, only an objectof aversion and disgust.'"

"And what," I asked, "was the effect of the discussion?"

"When they argued for themselves as men—when they ceasedto regard themselves as women, even in theory—theirarguments assumed a plausibility which commended itself not onlyto careless, passive minds, but to some whose profession it wasto think. From that moment, however, when we substituted for themannish disputants pure, maidenly modesty, or shrinkingmotherhood, their arguments fell to the ground as sophistries.But even sophistry will have its effect, if it be reiteratedwithout ceasing by those who, free from all other ties in life,throw their whole souls into a darling ambition; and its effectwill be materially heightened when men who are capable ofexposing it remain dumb from a false sense of chivalry."

"True, friend Razmora," I remarked, "I have no doubt but somepeople could prove to their entire satisfaction that man has aright to inhabit the moon and stars. But would that make him aninhabitant in fact? Just so we may say that woman has a right tobe a man, but will that bridge over the difference in sex and allthe responsibilities which that difference implies? I amsatisfied that the exceptions among women to whom you havefrequently alluded, are not to be held strictly accountable forall their doings, since we can measure them by neither thewoman's nor the man's standard. Their mistake, or offense,consists in their attempt to recreate women upon an abnormalmodel. We Americans, too, have had visions of crowing hens whowept because they were not endowed with spurs, and of lowing kinewho were almost heart-broken because they were not allowed todrag the plow like bullocks. In all countries and in allcivilizations there have been spasmodic outbreaks of thisdistemper among women. Greece and Rome were familiar with it, andit is even said to have extended back as far as ancient Egypt,when, in its most virulent stage, the husband, in the marriage-ceremony, promised obedience to the wife in all things, and astate of society somewhat resembling Petticotia's would seem tohave been among the possibilities. In modern times, France,England and other countries have had the symptoms. Even in thenew world, during the beginning of the century, women voted inseveral states; in some instances, we are told, 'as often as bychange of dress or complicity of inspectors they might be able torepeat.'

"It is, therefore, nothing new that these spirits of discordseek to introduce. It is an old and oft-refuted heresy which hasalways wrought is own destruction when a demonstration of itsfeasibility was attempted. Its grumbling advocates have onlyproved that, were we all determined to be maudlin pessimists andturn our backs upon the bright side of life as it is, Utopiaitself would be subject to continual tinkering; that, were we tocarry our sour dispositions beyond the grave, even heaven wouldbe found to have its drawbacks.

"This is what the vast majority of our women say whenapproached by the ambitious tempters: 'What, do our husbands thenhate their wives and daughters that we must regard them in thelight of competitors who would exalt themselves at our expense?Are they monsters that are continually plotting our destruction,or is our welfare their joy, their pride, their aim in life? Arethey at best but Bluebeards in disguise, against whom woman mustbe constantly devising means of safety? Far be it from us to sayso; we have not lost faith in the judgment of our father,brothers, and sons.' So unpopular is the idea that it isacknowledged even by the agitators that 'the demand for politicalrights has not commanded the thought which its merits and dignityshould have secured.' Even those who sympathize with them havebeen known to remark that women will never take the same interestas man in political affairs or find therein an abidingsatisfaction; and that man will always lead in the affairs of theintellect and woman in the affairs of emotion.

"We continue, therefore, to develop a womanhood which, by itsgentle refinement shall appeal to the heart and affections of manand render him less coarse, more humane, make of him a lover, afriend, a father who would if necessary lay down his life for hisloved ones. He rejoices in a home around which cluster all hisaffections. I seem to see it now: The cosy sitting-room lightedup by a merry reflection from the grate; here a pair of slippersplaced in readiness; there, the evening newspapers. Out-of-doorsDecember winds are playing hide-and-seek around the street-corners, while the snow grinds hard and sand-like against thewindow-panes. There is a quick, well-known step upon the crisp,white doorstep; there is a stampede in the nursery and the cry of'papa's coming!" pierces all muffling barriers. The dining-roomdoor opens for a moment and we hear the subdued clatter of tableware which is being laid for the evening meal. A sweet tempered,laughing-eyed little woman, whose face is full of intelligenceand refinement, steps out into the hallway and meets the lovingeyes of him for whom her heart beats first and last—for himwhose manly frame now unbends for the accustomed greeting. Hefelt oppressed by the cares of business, tired in mind and body,until he reached the threshold of his little paradise andbreathed the sacred atmosphere which his true-hearted wife hadcreated for both. She is the blessing of our land, this Americanwife and mother. She cannot be spared; no ambitious hands shallwrest her from us! Her influence in all matters is great andgood. Her husband, proud of her good sense, consults with herupon every step which affects the family welfare. And what is shenot to the children—those darlings of the dimpled cheeksand laughing eyes which satisfy the chief craving of hernature—each one a living jewel which she wears upon herbreast more proudly than diamonds. In after years they shallcherish her memory and bless her good counsel and example."

"I love your country," said Razmora, a softer light stealinginto his gray eyes, as if in remembrance of some sacred essence,once known, now departed forever. "But," he continued, recoveringhis vivacity, "I have spent much time over dead issues, and willresume my narrative of events."

CHAPTER XIII.

Petticotia's History, continued—AScientific Revolution which paved the Way for the SixteenthAmendment—The feats of Tyrania the Strong, First Shah ofSheheland—Man's Humiliation—Emigration and BloodyRevolution.

"WHEN the malady had reached a propitious stage,"continued Razmora, "Professor Dora Dixit, that same chief ofmountebanks with whom we are already acquainted, propagated atheory which did more than all the ingeniously constructedrhetorical flourishes of her sisters to decide the fate of thenation. With inward fear and trembling the latter had beheld lawsadopted in every province, which were so just and equitable toboth man and woman, that nothing remained to be desired. Theydreaded lest there should be left no ground for them to standupon in their mad worship of the ballot. Oh, for burning wrongsand social horrors to urge them on as champions and enable themwith a good grace to gain the goal of their ambition!

"While they besieged the halls of Congress, the chief ofmountebanks advanced with confidence, not to say boldness, thescientific tenets of a new school of philosophy which she hadfounded. It was a moderate task for herself and colleagues tothrow the world into chaos and reestablish it upon a new plan.They wagered that they would have produced better results ifconsulted in the arrangement of the downy-iris, the seasons oflight and darkness, and other wise regulations of the Creator.They continually preached to nature upon her imperfections. Theyadopted the theories of evolution and the descent of man from thelower animals, with such modifications and amendments as in theirwisdom they felt constrained to add thereto. The whole formed thebasis of a new social order. Said they:

"'In the dimness of millions of centuries past began thetragedy of human existence. After the world had been evolved fromnebulae, in the process of ages it arrived at a favorable stagefor the development of plants. Then came animated plants andanimals. Among the latter two great races of four-footedcreatures are observed. One of the groups begins to walk uprightand to look with scorn upon the other. Many centuries later themost advanced members of the despised race also walk upon twolegs, but the superior form of life has by this time progressedsufficiently to utter broken sentences, to bleach its complexion,to call itself man and woman, and to name the secondary creationmonkey. By studying the latter we know the history of the former,and what is the result of our research? We find that at one timethe sexes shared the responsibilities of life far more equallythan at present. Man took upon him, uncomplainingly, half thelabor of the household, and woman enjoyed half the freedom, ifnot more, outside of the family circle. Even to-day, in a latentstate and ready to be developed under certain conditions, thereexist in every female all the secondary characteristics of themale, and in every male all the secondary characteristics of thefemale. Why, for instance, is man endowed with breasts like thoseof woman, although in miniature? It would take many ages ofneglect to obliterate these evidences of his former condition.The fact is, that, while primitive woman gave birth to children,man nursed and cared for them. He gave them suck and kept tenderwatch over their existence, as is the practice among certainmonkey kinds at this very hour. And woman, free from thisresponsibility, which man had not yet brutally imposed upon her,was at liberty to take an active part in the public assemblies ofthe tribes and in the government, lending her counsel for war orpeace, as her wisdom might dictate. This is the glorious order ofaffairs that should be reestablished in all civilized nations.Let Petticotia be the first to recognize its wisdom. We know thatthe majority of men wrong us only through ignorance. Onceenlightened in regard to these matters, they will not have theheart further to oppress their sisters. It will not take manygenerations to readapt man to the nursing of the young which hehelps to bring into the world.'

As I have already intimated, the most startling revelationscreated no great surprise in Petticotia. The more novel the idea,the more ready its belief and adoption.

"The leaders, therefore, found the impregnable graduallybecoming pregnable. Committees which, year after year, had framedironical replies to their petitions, became respectful.Legislators, who had loftily declared that no reason for aseparate committee on the rights of women had been assigned,which would not apply with equal force in behalf of a committeeon the rights of men, became dumb with admiration. How the heartsof the champions fluttered with excitement! It was coming, comingat last, after decades of weary yearning, scheming and debating.They, who had had the moral courage to say to women who werevastly their superiors in every respect, 'You are ignorantslaves!" now saw the Intelligence of the Nation smiling approvalupon their demands. 'The Intelligence of the Nation,' said theastute verbal warriors, 'is centered in the national Legislature,and more particularly in the Senate;' and the Intelligence of theNation, never more ravishingly flattered, heard their prayers,despite the howls of the rabble. 'If it should appear that womanfalls below man in all but the domestic functions,' theycontinued, in an insinuating manner, 'then it will be well thatthis experiment has been tried.'

"As leader of the opposition in the Senate, my objections werestrenuous, to the last. Among my efforts at conciliation andcompromise, I may mention the following: 'Let each woman,' said I'who finds unbearable the restrictions imposed upon her by hernature, introduce a bill providing that, upon proving before acommittee of her own sex that she is unfitted, by physical,mental or other reasons, to enter into the sacred relation ofwife and mother, her given name shall be changed from a feminineto a masculine significance, as, Jane Smith to John Smith; andfurther, that upon such change, she shall be allowed to dress andvote as the man. The female sex could well spare all such, andthey might become of some practical use in the world by proving,disproving, how desirable it is for woman to assume the dutiesand prerogatives of men. Perhaps all womankind might graduallybecome converted by the practice of what in theory seemed soabsurd. To all such bills I promise my hearty approval andsupport.

"But the philanthropic instincts of the leaders would notallow them to accept what would not be within the reach of everymember of the down-trodden sisterhood and especially the happyand contented mothers, or those who could become such. The ideaof adopting masculine designations was also repugnant to thosewomen who did not wish to be called even by their husbands'names. And thus, amid great rejoicings, they carried from thecapitol the Sixteenth Amendment which conferred upon all theirsex the inestimable privilege of political strife.

"Woman was now emancipated from her bonds and free to cease tobe woman, if she chose. She was at liberty to monopolize all theemployments which require the least exertion and are free fromdanger. She evinced no desire, however, to dig in the trenches,or to build railways, cathedrals and ships. Gradually, theleaders and philosophers promised, these things would adaptthemselves. In the meanwhile, the feminine dress was entirelyabandoned by the sex in order that they might mingle, withoutartificial disadvantages at least, in the pursuits of men. Rankand fashion condescended to acknowledge the change; and then werewitnessed some of the most sadly-comical scenes on record.

"Here fat, aristocratic dames puffed and sweated indistressing coats and pantaloons which admirably outlined thegenerousness of their bodily proportions. The effect was hardlyless startling than that of gaunt, flat-chested maiden ladieswho, in loosely-fitting attire, stalked by the side of theirportly neighbors, like famished scarecrows searching for the landof promise. Mothers in a highly delicate condition looked rathersheepish and frightened in their newly-acquired rights; andequally unfortunate were those who were bow-legged, for theirdeformity, no longer concealed by ample skirts, was madepainfully conspicuous. Those who had been ballet dancers andburlesque actresses fared best; they capered nimbly about anddeclared that it was nothing—everybody would get accustomedto it soon.

"Man moved about in a feverish manner, accompanied by his newshadow. He and his wife now shared their labors alike, when thenature of his occupation permitted it. The women of the lowerclasses complained bitterly because their husbands were but toowilling to avail themselves of the new division of labor.

"The day's work done, many who could afford it lodged at thehotels, for it was irksome to attend to household affairs afterexpending all one's energies in another direction. The children,if the man and his shadow were unfortunately afflicted with any,regarded them with large, frightened eyes, at table. There was solittle difference between their mother and the other loudly-disputing, self-absorbed women. Poor little ones, who was thereto attend to the wants of their budding natures? Who to directtheir thoughts aright? God help them, their mother is now asuperior creature who cannot be tied down by such trifles. And ifthey grow up selfish, unprincipled, without a spark of humankindness for a fellow-creature, perhaps vicious anddepraved—what does it matter?

"But as time rolled on the sweetness of the experiment beganto cloy upon many palates. Woman, constantly at her partner'sside, subject to the cares, anxieties and hardships which hisnative vigor enabled him to brave with ease, lost her freshnessand grew old rapidly. She was in truth a second-rate man, andmore heartily despised than ever by her wealthy sister who stilllolled in daily idleness, despite the change in her costume. Manwas equally at a disadvantage in the household, and lent hisassistance with a blundering hand. Although convinced of thetruth of the chief mountebank's theory, he could not yet bringhimself to put it into practice, much as the most ambitious amongwomen desired him to submit in this respect. His spiritsgradually drooped, disgust took possession of his soul, and attimes he thoughtlessly heaved a sigh which he could notexplain.

"It was found also that, in spite of the laws so favorable towomen as a class, despite the inestimable privilege of theballot, the poor and the weak were still unhappy; for, inaccordance with the law of the survival of the fittest, thestrong and powerful will always trample upon the weak competitor.Heretofore strong men trampled upon weak men, handsome women uponthe less attractive; but now that woman had arrayed herself as acompetitor, not only against the beauty of her sister, butagainst the muscle of the man, her lot was far from improved.Owing to their natural disadvantages, the helpless among womenwere made still more helpless.

"Then, again, the male inhabitants who had sworn defiance tothe new order of things, were not all dead in the land. I was inthe front ranks of these and when the murmurings of discontentgrew louder and louder, we lost no time in resuming our warfare,hoping that soon we might see from afar a glimpse of returningreason.

"The late victors trembled lest, after all, the timid commonherd should fail in all but the domestic functions. They warnedthe women against treason to principles and vehemently denouncedall men who dared to breath a syllable of dissatisfaction in thevery dawn of the new civilization. We succeeded, however, increating an intense excitement by our appeals to slumberingmanhood.

"When our old enemies had exhausted every ingenuity ofargument and entreaty and were upon the verge of despair, in theface of the troubled waves which refused to be still, there arosein their behalf a new star in the east, Tyrania the Strong, shewho was destined to become the first Shah of Sheheland. Althoughof ordinary stature, she was a giantess in strength and freelychallenged to combat anything masculine that walked the face ofthe earth. To those who dared brave a physical encounter with herlarge sums of money were offered as prizes, but not one everarose to claim the meed of his prowess. She felled each man as alioness might a cur, and the saying went abroad that her strengthwas so great that she could throw two men with as great an easeas she could one, and that half-a-dozen ordinary men would be toher in single-handed combat, as a litter of pups, tossed withease wherever she pleased to bestow their insensible remains.This prodigy of strength declared herself the very head andforefront of the wavering revolt.

"All women, she claimed, were as strong as herself in theirunenslaved and natural condition. To shake off the yoke and keepit off, therefore, was to become strong. The women wept for joyand hailed her as the savior of the sex. Her teachings wereuniversally accepted, and every soul that believed made a vow tobecome like Tyrania, untrammelled and powerful.

"And as they felt themselves growing stronger and stronger,and man growing weaker and weaker, there came a consciousnessthat, inasmuch as woman was evidently the superior of man, and,inasmuch as her strong arm was necessary to enforce the laws andcombat the evils which threatened the public weal, to herbelonged the right to assume the guidance of the human family.Her strength entitled her to take the lead in allaffairs—to act as the head of creation. Man, divested ofhis long pretended superiority and now remarkable for his gentlertraits, said Tyrania, should be relieved of all public cares andpolitical responsibilities and remanded to that same domesticsphere to which he once unrighteously condemned woman. Theleaders, with gleeful thanksgivings, applauded these ideas whichthey praised as even more radical than those of the chiefmountebank.

"Argue with a falling mountain; ask the cyclone to takeanother path; bid the hurricane lie down; lull the ocean's turgidwrath; curb the lightning—but attempt not to heal themadness of a nation.

"Tyrania was chosen President of the republic, to thediscomfiture of each veteran in the cause. The women, aided by asufficient number of softlings, elected females to all theexisting offices, by overwhelming majorities. The late lords ofcreation were swept from the political chess-board.

"A man in all but sex, a fanatic in the cause, a male-hater,this, and much more, was Tyrania the Strong. Her cabinet was ajudiciously selected one, and, in obedience to a propheticvision, she strengthened the army tenfold, binding the ruggedmen-soldiers (for women had not developed sufficiently to beararms as yet) with an ironclad oath to do their duty, even to theextent of exterminating the refractory among their sex.Overwhelmed with seductive promises, fired by the prevailinginfatuation, these sons of Mars raised their glistening bayonetsin the air and shouted lustily for her who in her wrath couldpunish half-a-dozen men.

"In secret council the rulers determined that the new divisionof the spheres should immediately take effect, and, when thecurious laws by which the country is misgoverned to this day wereadopted, a wild shout of approbation went up from theemancipated.

"The majority of men were somewhat sobered by this master-stroke of the new administration. The one thing which, most ofall stung them to the quick, was this: The rampant readjusters ofthings mundane had actually robbed them of the name of man,substituting for that noble word another, Heshe.

"Many thousands had long ere this departed from the country,and fully one-half of those who remained now determined uponvoluntary exile—for a new and uninhabited country had justbeen discovered in which it was said diamonds abounded in suchquantities that, were they gathered and placed upon the marketsof the world, the gem would sensibly depreciate in value. Seizedwith the diamond fever, feeling each manly spark rekindled withintheir breasts, six million henpecked souls shook the dust ofPetticotia off their feet forever.

"I may here remark that my household, too, was laid waste bythe general lunacy. My wife had long since emerged from thedomestic yoke and was at this time a prominent spirit in the campof the enemy. Tyrania had appointed her to the position ofPostmaster-General, an office which had already become vacant byreason of the chaos into which the original incumbent had thrownthe postal service. We had an only daughter; she was my idol andI lavished upon her a father's affections, fondly hoping that,under my care, she at least should grow up a woman in the truesense of the word. Ah, well! It was not to be. She, too, wasdrawn into the vortex by hands that once were gentle and full oftenderness for me. Mother and daughter both were lost to myview.

"I was too proud to desert my country—foolish as it mayseem, I still entertained the hope that the present fever wouldat some future day burn itself out—consuming those who wereforemost in the wrecking of their country.

"Among the six million abject beings, properly designated asheshes, who now remained in Petticotia and were as dough in thehands of eighteen million women, there still were left fivethousand men who thought as I did and who refused to bend theknee to Tyrania. At my call they assembled in Sumar Viteneliz,where we issued a proclamation, stamping the existing governmentas infamous and enjoining upon all good citizens resistance toits monstrous decrees. To such we promised protection; to allothers, if need be, red-handed opposition.

"Although our determination spread terror among the more timidinhabitants of the city, the dark-haired Hecate who sat in thepresidential chair waxed only more terrible in her deep-seatedrage. She summoned the troops and commanded them to swear againthe ironclad oath. "I myself will lead you in the exterminationof those wretches,' said she, 'unless they crawl before us withropes of penitence about their vile necks!'

"That such a ceremony was little suited to our republicantastes, I need not emphasize. Least of all would it have suitedthe blood of the Razmoras and the Phalanx-Breakers—eh,Dandelion? in answer to their proposition we announced ourdetermination of taking possession of the capitol buildings earlynext morning.

"The streets drank greedily of the blood of the two factions.We, who would have scorned to use violence against women, foughtwith unconquerable fury against thrice our number of maletraitors and hirelings. The conflict was a terrible one. I verilybelieve we would have succeeded in annihilating the guard ofdishonor, had not reenforcements come to their aid.

"Breathless and bleeding, our little band was at last forcedto retire. We took possession of a large block of warehouses andfortified our position within. Three more hand-to-handengagements took place during the next three days, and eachsucceeding day saw our foe increase two-fold, while not a currallied to our aid. We hailed each downy-iris with fainter hopesof success. During one of the conflicts I should certainly havemet my death had it not been for the undying bravery of my noblefriend, Sir Archibald. Two of the enemy were upon me. While Idispatched one the other knocked me senseless. Quick as thought,while several others were clustering about me, my faithful ally,who rarely left my side, drew forth a box of red pepper andemptied it into the eyes of my assailants. During the confusionwhich ensued he dragged me to a place of safety.

"Upon the morning of the seventh day we beheld advancing uponus several pieces of artillery, with which the enemy waspreparing to demolish the building. The alternative was tosurrender. Our last ammunition spoke only as did our first.

"In obedience to Tyrania's fierce command, the guns begantheir hoarse havoc. Shot after shot came crashing through thewalls. We gathered up our dying friends and removed them from onewing to another, as roof after roof fell upon us, buryinghundreds in the ruins. From the windows, at a safe distance,shrieking viragos, like those who forget their inborn cowardicein the midst of butchering communists, applauded the bloody work.Maddened by the sight and resolved to die while grappling a dozentraitors, I rushed from our last retreat, followed by theremaining eight hundred of our band. The final struggle was ofbrief duration. At noon that day six hundred and fifty prisonerswere under guard. Over four thousand patriots had met a gloriousdeath. Nearly twice that number of mercenaries bore themcompany.

Our trial followed and was very short. Five hundred and fiftyprivates were sentenced to imprisonment for life. The officersand ringleaders were condemned to death without mercy.

"All too soon we found ourselves marching with clanking chainsto the beheading-block on President's Square, escorted byscowling hirelings and a rage-inflamed mob of Amazons. We arrivedupon the spot where you but recently gazed death in the face,and, standing there, calmly awaited our doom.

"In those last moments of agony I might have forgiven them,perhaps, had I been allowed to see the child that once called mefather, to kiss her for the last time, and to assure her that Icursed her not for her sex. But my wish was not gratified.

"Head after head rolled into the baskets, fresh from the goryaxes, the executioners (who alternately relieved each other)being selected from the victorious troops. The most prominentrebels, as we were styled, were reserved for the last. Sickenedby the dull thud of spouting trunks upon the slippery scaffold, Isecretly wished the bloody drama over, when a light touch upon myarm arrested my meditations. One of the female under-sheriffsshowed my guards an order signed by Tyrania and bade me follow. Iwas thrilled with a sudden sensation—not that I thought ofescape—oh no, I was not a coward—but it seemed as ifthey were about to heed my last request after all—as if Iwas to see my little one ere I parted from the world.

"I was brought before the President. At her feet I found mywife shedding tears and murmuring her gratitude. My sentence, Iwas informed, had been changed to life imprisonment, at theearnest solicitation of the worthy Postmaster-General.

"I staggered as if struck a mortal blow, and, recoveringmyself, coldly declined the proffered mercy. I demanded to be ledback to where my few surviving comrades were awaiting their turnwith calm indifference. Unless these were pardoned also, I stoodupon the right to expiate my sentence. She who once was my wifeimplored me to avert the disgrace which would fall upon myfamily, but I remained firm.

"Seeing my determination, the President consulted with theofficer who had brought me, and, after much deliberation, grimlyannounced that such of my fellow-conspirators as might still beunexecuted when the messenger reached the scaffold should sharemy fate. Then, with a sinister smile, she made out another orderand directed the under-sheriff to serve it on foot.

"When that humane being at last arrived at the scene of themassacre the last doomed soul was about to be led forward towhere the bloody executioners were panting for breath. Need I saythat the solitary survivor was my gallant friend, Sir ArchibaldDandelion?

"After this came years of agony which I will not attempt todescribe. Seasons of light and darkness came and went while weremained entombed alive. Gaunt and haggard, we watched the slowhour-glass of time together—Dandelion and I. Glazed andfixed became our looks as we eked out the tenure of our livingdeath. Now and then the female jailers brought us news of somefellow-prisoner at last enrolled among the martyrs.

"One day, after centuries it seemed, we awoke as from a dream.Fourteen years were marked in the calendar rudely carved upon thestone walls of our cell (among the geometrical figures wrought byDandelion) when we were led forth. Arrayed in new masculineraiment, for we would have perished naked ere yielding upon thispoint, we were borne, like specters from another world, towardthe scene of our siege and battles. I recognized the locality bythe streets we traversed, although when we halted we could see novestige of the old block which we had so dearly defended. In itsplace stood the present palace of the President!

"Up the high marble steps we tottered. Then we were taken,almost fainting, through chambers of such gorgeous aspect that itseemed almost as if death had at last deigned to bring us intoanother world. A few steps further and I heard a wild, almostheart-broken cry—two arms were about my neck—tearsand kisses and broken exclamations were showered upon me.Methought my feeble heart—if spirits can havehearts—would cease to beat, for I was face to face with mylong-lost child—she who now is President of Petticotia.

"My fatherly affections conquered my hoary prejudice, as shecalled it. It was solely to relieve her mind from the terribleconsciousness of being her father's jailer, that I consented andcaused Sir Archibald to consent—eh, Dandelion?—to thewearing of our present obnoxious garb, for without compliancewith the law there was for us no pardon, even if the ChiefMagistrate had cringed for it. We accepted our liberty, althoughthere were several stipulations which we insisted upon."

Here a servant announced that tea was ready below. "Ah," saidmy host, "let us partake of the cheer which Razmora hall affords,and then I will resume the strange history of Petticotia, if Ihave not already fatigued you. Since our release Dandelion and Ihave been busily engaged in collecting materials for a book uponthe subject."

CHAPTER XIV.

The history of Petticotia's Downfall,concluded—The Shehes Divide the Luxury Known asHeshe—Various Vexing Problems solved—Battles of theSwallowtails and Cutaways—Rise of the Goldhaters.

"LET us go back to the reign of Tyrania the Strong,"continued Razmora, "to the time when man—that hideousspectacle in silks and ribbons—first learned to laugh atthe purloiners of his pantaloons until the silly tears madefurrows in his painted cheeks.

"Scarcely had the uprising of the five thousand beeneffectually crushed when there was secretly formed among thewomen a faction of rabid monarchists, at whose head stoodPantaletta, the disappointed perpetual candidate for thepresidency. Their ideal government was a kingdom, and, knowingthat the army was the most powerful factor in the politicalaffairs of the day, they concluded to make overtures to theleading general of the male hirelings, pointing toward hiselevation to the throne. His valor in saving the capital and thegovernment had, they assured him, enshrined him in the popularaffections. Little did he dream that a pit was being prepared forhis ambition, when he listened to his flatterers, and that at thebottom of the pit there waited for him a scaffold and a gleamingax. It was even so; I am convinced that it was through thetreachery of Pantaletta that his plans were made known toTyrania. The latter sprang like an infuriated beast upon theguilty wretch and all those who could be identified with histreason. Then followed the gradual abolition of the male army(for there was danger in its strength) and the extensions of therights and prerogatives of the executive.

"With no skilled producers in the industrial arts,Petticotia's business interests gradually approached stagnation,and the suffering among the working classes became great. Thegovernment, not a little alarmed by the cries for bread, causedthe least degenerate among the men to cooperate for a time withtheir female masters and to teach the latter the rudiments of theneglected occupations. In time perfection was looked for amongthe new artisans, not only because of their superior strength, asyet undeveloped, but on account of their present superiorcomplexity of organization. Many of the more sober-minded,however, and especially those women who applied themselves to theheroic tasks, were convinced that the sex's heyday of strengthwas yet afar off. It was impossible for them to prosecute theheavier forms of labor, such as the manufacture of giganticmachinery, the smelting of ores and the building of iron ships.Building operations were carried on by female convicts, sentencedto this and other degrading forms of work. The government,supported by the school of philosophers, in the meanwhile,despaired not.

"Another serious question which arose was how to provide everywoman with a husband, since there remained but one male for everythree females in the land. There was at first much diversity ofopinion among the philosophers as to the method by which justicemight be done to all, but the question was triumphantly solved bythe chief mountebank, who frowned down free love and otherreprehensible theories, and proposed a simple problem inarithmetic: 'Divide the amount of heshes on hand equally amongthe shehes,' was her advice. 'Let a law be passed making itlegal, even compulsory, for one heshe to be married to threeshehes. This, in time, will provide each shehe who has a weaknessfor such trifles with at least one-third of the luxury, quellheshe insubordination in the family, distribute child-bearingamong a greater number, and remedy the social evil, which,according to the last message of the President, is increasingwith alarming rapidity.' It is hardly necessary to add that thelaw was soon enacted.

"The next vexed problem solved by the philosophers was, 'Howshall we lessen the burdens of maternity and enable the shehe todevote more of her time to the important affairs of life?' Themany freaks of her nature interfered sadly with the new dutieswhich devolved upon the man-woman. Her enforced absences made hersuccess in business rather uncertain at times, and trade andcommerce were carried on with anything but confidence-inspiringsteadiness. The practice of going quick with child while engagedin the various occupations was found to result in frequentinjury, especially among the lower classes. The plan of reliefproposed by the chief mountebank, and adopted after exhaustivediscussions, was as follows:

"Henceforth all business was to be suspended during the periodof darkness, which is equal to one hundred and eighty-two days.Upon its approach all persons of the male sex in the easternprovinces were to emigrate westward beyond the twentieth degreeof longitude. All persons of the female sex residing in theprovinces west of this boundary were to join their sisters in theeast. Thus the complete separations of the sexes would beaccomplished. It was to be a capital offense, punishable withdeath only, for heshe or shehe to break this isolation during theseason specified. They were to be regarded as dead to each other,until the day upon which all might return to their homes. Duringthis general seclusion the shehes were to care for those about tobecome mothers and devote themselves to healthful recreation andrest, in order that, upon returning to the stern realities oflife, their energies might be found refreshed and invigorated,and their physical superiority over the males made more apparent.The heshes were to perfect themselves in the art of householdmanagement, and to acquire taste in dress, as well as ease ofdeportment. As the nation's nurses, they were to receive byexpress all the babes born in the east; such transfers to bemade, a few days after the birth of each innocent, by sworngovernment officials of venerable age who were to be exempt fromthe penalty described by law for those who crossed the greatboundary in the wrong direction. 'This law,' said the framer,'will solve the question of maternity—a question which haslong distressed the dominant sex. By the strict enforcement ofthe measure, the child-bearing period will be made to fall, inthe great majority of cases, within the one hundred and eighty-two days of rest, thus removing from the shehes theinconveniences arising from pregnancy during the season devotedto business and the affairs of state.'

"But let us take a glance at the government. With no homeindustries to foster it had fallen into free trade habits,importing from abroad everything which could not be manufacturedat home. A large shrinkage in the revenues was the naturalresult, so that the President found herself compelled to meetdeficits by increased direct taxation.

"The masses wrung the hearts of the tax-gatherers with muchunpatriotic abuse, so that the authorities, when it reached theirears, became sorely vexed and impatient. It had been hoped thatevery women in the land would be proud to suffer a trifle atfirst, in order that the superiority of the sex might bedemonstrated, and, low! the stupid plebeians were grumblingalready. Had not everything been done to establish their dignity?and, in return, the taxes were too high!

"In the midst of the tempest the Postmaster-General arose andproposed the following scheme: 'Abolish all increase of taxation,and raise the additional revenues by confiscating the property ofthose six million heshes who have maliciously expatriatedthemselves.' The cabinet was delighted; even Tyrania acknowledgedthe brilliancy of the idea.

"At this time the Swallowtails were in power. The Cutaways, aparty composed of the more turbulent elements among thepopulation, had of late begun to howl dismally over the 'ruinouspolicy of the pampered corruptionists who suck the country'slife-blood, like leeches, in the legislative halls of SumarViteneliz.' They made promises, too, concerning the return ofpure and honorable public servants at the next election. When itcame to pass, therefore, that the republic applauded the wisdomof the new Swallowtail measure, the Cutaways grew very red withmortified pride and secretly debated as to what tune they shouldhowl next.

"The general confiscation netted almost, if not quite, fivebillion dollars (not to mention what clung to the fingers of theconfiscators) and made the administration the idol of the people.The result was that at the impending elections the Swallowtailparty elected not only its old President, but a fair majority ofsenators and representatives.

"In view of the general prosperity the government now turnedits attention to the 'further amelioration of all classes ofsociety,' in the language of the party's platform.

"The law which provided for the separation of the sexes duringthe period of darkness was declared to work satisfactorily,albeit great mortality among the infants was unavoidable untilthey should become more accustomed to transportation at a tenderage. This was deplorable, since foreign immigration had longsince ceased and the nation's existence rested entirely upondomestic resources.

"The law which guaranteed to each female at least the one-third part of a husband was gradually observed, although withrather childish grumbling from some of the so-called weakervessels.

"The philosophers were ready with a number of new schemes forthe general welfare of the country.

"'The Petticotians,' said they, 'are essentially an aestheticrace. The genius of the nation, so long strangled by the inferiorheshes, is ready to assert its godlike supremacy. True, the lowergrades of our sex will in time excel mainly in feats of strengthand endurance; but the majority of shehes are too intelligent fordrudgery; these will aim to rank foremost in the highest walks oflife. To develop the national impulse shall be the care of thegovernment. There is no reason why Petticotia shall not act aspoet, painter, philosopher, scientist, sculptor, musician andauthor in general to the world at large—to those manycountries whose governments are in the hands of base heshes.These heshes, who brag of what their sex has accomplished inthousands of years, shall see that it is in reality but littlecompared with what we are prepared to achieve in a shortlifetime. Let there be erected, therefore, at public expense,buildings throughout the land wherein these things shall betaught. There shall be schools, academies, conservatories, andgalleries of art, for the millions. All aesthetic shehes shallfind employment and remuneration—the latter to be obtainedfrom the sale of their productions in other lands. Foreign heshenations, finding themselves relieved (by the impossibility ofsuccessful competition) from all tasks involving the study of thebeautiful in nature and art, will naturally turn their bruteforce to the production of baser necessities of life, which wewill condescend to accept in exchange for our works of art.'

"Amid the loud approving shouts of the people, the governmentstudded the land with the desired institutions. These publicbuildings were designed by female architects, erected by femaleconvicts and other members of the rougher families, and inseveral instances, when completed, fell and killed femalegeniuses."

"No doubt, my dear Razmora," I ventured, "the civilized worldwas soon flooded with masterpieces excelling the 'Iliad' ofHomer, the 'Paradise Lost' of Milton, the 'Hamlet' ofShakespeare, the 'Jupiter' of Phidias, the 'Transfiguration' ofRaphael, and the 'Elijah' of Mendelssohn?"

"As to that," replied the narrator, with an amused smile, "Icannot speak with certainty, as I am rather unacquainted, as yet,with the greatest expressions of your country's genius. But thisI do know, that the government is still developing the nationalimpulse, and that the shehes of Petticotia are more confidentthan ever of putting to blush the pigmy efforts of past ages.

"Many of the superior beings who had no talent for purelyaesthetic callings, devoted themselves to a pastoral life, suchas they had read about in poetry and prose. Agriculture, theypromised, should soon be counted among the fine arts. Theirefforts were seconded by an enthusiastic minister of agriculture,whose pet hobby was that cocoa-nuts could be profitablycultivated in the most northern extremity of Petticotia. He alsosaw no reason why the rural scenes of operas and plays could notbe reproduced in real life.

"With this exaltation of the common vocations came a rage forhigh-sounding titles, so that every second female you meet at thepresent day is professor or Doctor of something. What had oncebeen plain barber became a tonsorial professor; the cobblersturned into Doctors of Footwear; the country-woman is a Professorof Husbandry. But two blocks from her, upon a narrow, dirtystreet, you may observe at leisure a dingy sign which announcesthat 'Prof. Lucretia Jones, Repairer of Umbrellas and Grinder ofScissors,' is ready to be consulted within.

"The men-women, too, were gradually fitted into their newsurroundings. They washed, ironed, baked, mended, and acquiredall the other knacks of the house-keeper's art; but by far thegreater number devoted themselves to lives of voluptuous ease andfashion. The care of children became the chief occupation ofthose whose superior consorts found time to become mothers. Withtwo, or even three, infants on their hands, in extreme cases ofill-luck, their situation became truly critical. The overwhelmingamount of labor thus devolving upon some caused them to inventcurious appliances and machines for domestic use, which reducedtheir tasks materially and gave thousands who had no babes towatch over an opportunity to pass half their time in readingnovels, thrumming insipid music, studying the latest styles oftrains, or acquiring the fascinating art of flirting; for, be itremembered, a heshe who had but one wife (they say consort), wasat liberty to entertain additional proposals until he hadaccepted his full quota of domestic tyrants.

"But, alas, the liberality—or extravagance—of thegovernment did not fail to exhaust the treasury in a few years.The great palace of the President, her colossal statue which thesculptors said would last forever, the park and the forest, werebut half completed when the new crisis fell like a thunderboltamong happy galaxies of artists, pastoral swains and other idealinhabitants, who had supposed the public purse unfathomable.

"The Swallowtails were lost in perplexity, even withbankruptcy staring them in the face. The Postmaster-General oncemore arose in the midst of chaos and proposed a saving scheme.But it so happened that Tyrania, full of desire for a thirdpresidential term, was filled with envy of the Postmaster-General, who was already mentioned as a favorite of theapproaching convention. The scheme was, therefore, upon variouspretexts, neglected; whereupon the thus insulted member of theCabinet resigned and refused to be reconciled to theadministration; refused, even when Tyrania had been renominated,to enter the contest and speak in behalf of her party'schoice.

"And when election day came the Swallowtails were found sadlydemoralized. The Cutaways, frog-bellied with their newest cry,carried the day. Simultaneous with the announcement of heroverwhelming defeat came the news of the ex-President's death.'Heart disease,' was the laconic explanation. With this simplephrase the discreet physician throws the mantle of charity overmany a mystery.

"The ex-Postmaster-General, I am reliably informed, becameinaccessible to her old friends and associates, and, at the endof three years, died in strict seclusion. During this time shehad assiduously trained her daughter to become her politicalNemesis.

"The Cutaways, suddenly elevated to heights which they hadbayed at so long, were overcome by the novelty of their positionand felt a strange fear that, after all, they might prove unequalto the task of succoring their distressed country. This fearproved all too well founded, for, after raising and dashing thepublic hope for the hundredth time, they were forced toacknowledge that they knew of no policy whereby the people couldbe restored to prosperity.

"It was at this critical time that my little Lillibel, imbuedwith her mother's once neglected scheme, entered the politicalfield at the head of a new party, called the Goldhaters.

"Money, argued the orators of the Goldhaters, would buyeverything; therefore, to be prosperous, a nation needed but agood supply of that article. But how was it to be obtained? Itmust be manufactured, came the reply—printed upon crisppaper by the government presses; those who waited for it to growupon trees would die poor. If the government could print itlegally, why should Congress wait until it arrived in thetreasury as revenue? All that was necessary to relieve thepresent crisis was to run the presses diligently and print agenerous supply. Then the government could pay its debts andcirculate the currency among the common people. Everybody couldthen buy what was needed and prosperity and happiness would bethe result. As to the money itself, every dollar issued should beas good as gold, an honest promise to pay, secured by theplighted faith of the nation.

"'But,' asked some idiotic members of the old parties, 'whenwill you redeem these promises?'

"'Never!' triumphantly replied the Goldhaters, 'for thereinlies the efficacy of our new theory. What the country needs ismoney; not for one year, or for ten, but for all time. Shall we,then, deliberately destroy this currency again by redeeming it?The idea is preposterous! Is not a promise to pay an honestpromise so long as it is kept to the very letter? When many yearshave elapsed and our political enemies hear us say: we revoke ourpromise; the government ceases to pay—then, but not untilthen, let them yelp in derision.'

"The enthusiasm of the people was great. Old partyaffiliations were forgotten by the masses and the Goldhaters werevictorious at the polls.

"Prophets might croak of wreck and ruin to come, but theGoldhaters only smiled pityingly and fed the greedy printingmachines.

"Money fell upon the inhabitants like rain. Trade and commerceheld up their heads like grass after refreshing showers. Shipsreturned in squadrons from foreign climes, laden with luxuriesand the products of many factories; for the nations which couldnot as yet be prevailed upon to accept our works of art, wereonly too happy to exchange their commodities for the money whichwas as good as gold.

"The new government proved not a whit less liberal than itspredecessors in providing for the national culture. The schools,conservatories and galleries of art continued to flourish, theruralists were steeped in pastoral bliss, and the presidentialpalace and its adjuncts were completed—the statue, I amhappy to know, only to belie the boast of its projectors, for theunaccountable accident with which superstition once linked yourname, has disfigured it beyond repair. Would that the fall of themarble Tyrania were indeed the signal for the collapse of allthat is false in Petticotia.

"And thus we come to the republic of to-day, as you found itupon your arrival. Once thing I may mention, in conclusion, andthat is that there is a growing tendency among Petticotians toslight the money which is as good as gold. While they still buywith it at par in other countries—strange as it mayseem—when receiving payment from foreigners they invariablydemand gold."

"And what," I asked my host, "have you discovered in regard tothe character and habits of the people in their newrelations?"

"The females," replied Razmora, "have inherited with thepantaloons all the vices and wickedness of men. They drink,gamble, and ape every dissipation of which they ever imagined manguilty. They not only chew, snuff and smoke tobacco, indulge inracing prize fighting, stocks, and other costly iniquities, butfrequent dens of infamy in hordes; for man has now become the sexfrom which stainless purity is required. The social ethics lawsdemand that every male inhabitant shall render an oath as to hischaracter each year. If proven guilty of perjury, he is beheadedwithout delay; if confessedly fallen, he at once sinks to thatsocial infamy to which society, in order to protect itself, wasonce forced to condemn his fallen sister."

"One would suppose that the separation of the sexes duringhalf the year would prove of inestimable benefit, physically atleast," I ventured.

"Alas," returned Razmora, "it must be borne in mind that aftereach period of rest comes a Saturnalia of excesses. It is ragingaround us even now, and could we see it in all its hideousness wemight well stand aghast. It is indicated by the criminalcalendars in the courts, which show an increase of all kinds ofoffenses, murder being a common charge.

"The attitude of women toward those degraded creatures oncecalled men, is patronizing and domineering in the extreme, whenlove does not render them incapable to command. With often noless than three masters to obey, you can imagine the harmonywhich men enjoy. The latter are but a trifle more coarse thanwere many of the females of other days. They rub villainous snuffon their gums, chew fatty and resinous substances, paint theirfaces, eat arsenic for the complexion, and practice many otherfollies which I am not familiar with."

"And how fare the people in regard to religious matters?" Iasked.

"Religion is at a discount in Petticotia to-day. There is afashionable sort of gewgaw which passes for public worship, butit is rather a concert in which the choir displays its culture,the clergywoman her gorgeous vestments, and imbecile man thething he once ridiculed, namely, a bonnet. The scriptures, incommon with all other literature, have been revised andexpurgated until but little of the original remains; for theBible, too, must suit the times. The worship of art is the realreligion of Petticotia, although superstition claims manyvotaries among the more ignorant classes. Such is the presentgeneration; what the future will bring forth remains to beseen."

CHAPTER XV.

General Gullible becomes a Party to a curiousand somewhat exciting Adventure which the President of Petticotiahas with a certain Captain of the Guards.

IT was yet early evening when I arrived at the palace,after parting from Razmora and Dandelion. The strange things tome revealed that afternoon occupied my thoughts to such an extentthat I approached the entrance to my quarters before I was awareof the circ*mstance. I should probably have opened the door,mechanically, had not my attention been attracted by the twotrusted female servants who usually attended the President duringher secret visits.

"She followed us hither like a cat and demandedadmittance—I could not bar her way," moaned one. "She ismuch stronger than I," sobbed the other.

At the same moment I became aware that more than one visitorawaited me within.

"Oh, you love him and would risk your life to see him!"sneered a harsh voice. "I thought as much. For this, then, havethe affairs of state fallen into decay! For this, hundreds ofimportant matters lie neglected, even forgotten, upon the chiefmagistrate's desk! For this, the most horrible shehes in the landare denied audience! You a President!—you a Shah ofSheheland! Heaven forbid! The butcher's brat who brings ourbeefsteaks to the barracks, has more shehehood to entitle her tothe position! Read the journals of the day—see what isthought of your strange behavior, your fits of abstraction, yourfrequent indisposition in the evening and your cold indifferenceto heshes whose social positions should at least entitle them torespectful attention, if not to little acts of gallantry, at yourhands. Oh, the people are not as mole-eyed as you flatteryourself! But there is one consolation—if you dare toaspire to another term of office, you will be more deeplydisappointed than was your proud shehe-parent—for thedisgust which already rankles in the breasts of many will begeneral before another election day. What will it not be whenthey know—as they shall—that the rich, red lips andpearly teeth of this baby face before me, are guilty of utteringperjury—perjury, in breaking the very laws which theysolemnly promised to execute!"

"Captain Pantaletta," returned another voice, tremulous withemotion, "again do I ask you to leave these apartments—todepart from the palace. Dare nevermore to throw your treasonableshadow across its portals, or I shall crush you as I would abloodless fly that falls under my heel. I thought you at leastfriendly towards this administration, but I was deceived, for youare a serpent. Spare me another sight of your ugly face—go,or I shall send for the guards and they shall throw one of theirsuperior officers down stairs, out of thewindow—anywhere!"

"Now may the devil clap a mortgage on my soul (if soul anddevil there be) but for this affront here shall be revenge,indeed! You command me to quit the palace—me, who,undefrauded of my rightful inheritance, would to-day be ruler ofSheheland in fact, as I am in spirit! Shall I, who have growngray in the service of the shehes, hear this thing? I, who havemet the brunt of a thousand battles with once unconqueredreptiles and who have received nothing from the kid-gloved handof favor in return, shall be forcibly ejected, forsooth! Oh,Pantaletta, Pantaletta—nominated for the office before thisupstart was hatched, and to be flouted thus! Nay, were you nottoo insignificant, I hold my life so cheap in this thanklessworld that I might lay my hand upon this trusty sword andbecome—"

"A traitor in deed, as you are already at heart—as youwere in the days of Tyrania! Long, long ago, might I haveproduced the proofs against you, but I spared you, unwilling tosoil my hands with vermin such as you."

There was a pause, a rustling of silks, and then thepassionate speech was supplemented by the monosyllable, "Go!"

"Then you refuse to transfer the prisoner into mykeeping—you refuse to give up your unhallowed passion, andwill not return to your duties as ruler of Petticotia—youprefer impeachment and disgrace?"

"I both refuse and prefer," came the answer. "Inform those whoare like you, bloodhounds by nature. I tell you once for all, mysoul holds him so dear that, ere I would consent to the harmingof one hair upon his head, I would brave every indignity whichyour infamous dress-laws could heap upon me—I would praisemyself rich if, in return for my devotion—my wildadoration—I could win one slight expression of love fromhim—even though this head rolled at my feet the nextmoment! But you dare not expose me, Captain Pantaletta. Your sinswould rise in your throat and strangle you, if you attempted toreveal what you have seen."

"Ah, indeed!" again sneered the latter. "And you hope to baskforever in the smiles of this idol of yours. You are secure if Iam silent. You will continue to offer at his shrine the world'schoicest luxuries—you will suffocate him with the incenseof your love. You will anticipate his slightest whim—youwill dress to please him, even, shall I say, un—? There,spare your blushes, for I am dumb. But, suppose an accidentshould overtake this discreet object of your wooing," (how shegloated, in anticipation, over my sudden taking-off!) "Or, let ussuppose that he should prefer his freedom to a gilded cage andanother shehe to yourself? Let us suppose, for a moment, anelopement, a mysterious disappearance!" I could almost see theleer which accompanied these insinuations.

"I will stake my life upon General Gullible's honor!"vehemently broke forth the President. "But what is that to you?Begone, I am weary of wasting breath upon you!"

"Oh, you will never part with him—you will always findhim, like a little idol, propped up in his place—no onewill dare to molest him, for your sake!" continued the tormentor."He will learn to love you in time, perhaps. He will forget hiscoldness and you will both be happy."

"I hope so."

"You hope so? Cursed be the tongue that first said it! Oh,that I had fewer other wrongs to avenge, I would make itimpossible for you to confess as much!"

"Help! Help! You would not murder me, oh monster ofwickedness! Down, down upon your knees—I am yourPresident!"

"Yes, down upon your knees!" I echoed, opening the door andentering suddenly. "Down upon your knees and crave pardon,wretched being whose hands are already stained with blood."

Her baleful eyes seemed to start from their sockets, remindingme of Smilax, the executioner. She breathed with difficulty and,clutching her sword convulsively, waved me off, as if I were aphantom.

"Great heavens!" she exclaimed, kneeling upon the floor, "sheis killed! We quarrelled; she drew her sword upon me, stumbledand fell. See, mine is in its sheath, and hers is full of blood!Call the troops, Sergeant—summon the surgeon. You saw herfall, Sergeant?" Then she suddenly varied her mood, pointing tothe President, who had sought refuge in my arms.

"Take her—take her! She wears a locket andchain—badges of dead ages of barbarism, during which heshedragged shehe to the market with a rope about her neck and soldher as he might a cow or horse. Take her—marry her! Shewill count it her highest honor to reflect upon the world thelight of your intelligence and wisdom... See, she has againbecome a creature all softness and sensibility; bearing happinessmeekly and sorrow with fortitude: gentle, mild, submissive; theobject of her creation was to adorn and beautify yourexistence... Take her away—I hate to see her, floating likea bird of paradise through the ball-room, or indulging in raptureover the adventures and despair of the hero of a mushroom tale...Take her, and when she wearies you and takes refuge with anotheryou can advertise: 'Whereas my consort has left my bed andboard,' you know the rest. Or, if she prove the devoted slave sheprofesses to be, she may burn herself with your corpse when youare gathered to your fathers."

When she paused for a moment in this wild torrent of talk, Irequested her to make all possible haste in departing, lest Ishould be obliged to remove her in a manner more forcible thanpolite.

With a half-smothered growl of rage, she retreated towards thedoor, still warding me off with her war-like weapon. Then shestood for a moment, upright and fierce, and, clinching her handdefiantly, spoke these parting words:

"Fools, do you fondly imagine that if my vengeance is delayedI will not strike? You may avert the blow for the present, butthe hour of my triumph will surely come—mark mywords—it will come before many days are numbered."

CHAPTER XVI.

General Gullible is formally introduced toSociety—He has a charming Conversation with a FashionableCoquette of his own Sex—A not altogether unexpected Missiveis placed in his Hands.

HER excellency's infatuation for me had become so seriousthat at times I was at my wits' end to preserve a clearconscience and, at the same time, not offend her beyondendurance. Although she was unremitting in her endeavors toconvey to me delicate expressions of regard, she could notconceal, entirely, her jealousy and her fears that I was plottingto escape. The words of Pantaletta—"Or let us suppose thathe should prefer his freedom to a gilded cage and another sheheto yourself"—had struck a peculiar terror to her soul, andmany times she asked me whether there was any meaning in them. "Ialmost regret," she would say, half-playfully, "that I removedthe guards from your vicinity and gave you so muchliberty—shehes are such uncertain creatures. But, there,did you not manfully comply with the terms of your sentence andtake a solemn oath which you will surely keep."

Like a general who has staked all upon certain movements ofhis army, she was ever on the alert, ever looking for some hiddendanger. In prosecuting the siege which she had laid to my heartshe counted time and expense as nothing.

Half an hour before downy-iris, when all gentle heshes aresupposed to be composing their limbs for a tender night's repose,it was her custom to station a band of silver-voiced serenadersbelow my window which overlooked the park. Each vocalist broughta cot with her and sang until the sleep-producing color-lightningovercame her senses. Although at a great height from them, Iobtained the full benefit of the beautiful love-songs with whichthey attempted to lull me to repose. I will append a selectstanza or two:

Oh, heshe, love,
From realms above,
Sweet turtle-dove,
Smile down on me;

Or would you kill
Your love-sick Lil,
Bid me be still,
Or frown on me.

Oh rapture deep,
On knees to creep
And to thee weep
Of love that's mine!

Oh, beauty rare,
See my despair
And hear my prayer
Oh, love divine!

The time for my introduction to society at last arrived. Thelevee, followed by a banquet and ball, which had so long beenplanned for the occasion, surpassed all other social events ofthe season.

The most beautiful, the most wealthy, and the most powerful inthe realm, were gathered at Sumar Viteneliz to grace the event.Foreign ministers, ambassadors, and other dashing blossoms ofnobility, were not unfrequently present at gatherings of thiskind. The representatives from abroad were invariably women whoassumed the shehe costume upon arriving at the capital, and, Ihave it upon authority, felt much secret exultation over thegratification of a taste which was denied them at home. They weresubjected to all the fascinating arts of the heshes, who deemedit the climax of all earthly happiness to win favor in their eyesand, perchance an invitation to dance, to promenade, or to marry.The languishing young heshes fell in love with a title, upon theslightest provocation, and figuratively threw themselves beforeMy Lady, as if she were a beautiful juggernaut and they herdevotees.

But we must not lose sight of the festivities. The choicest ofthe choice in Petticotian society assembled in the palace. Thegrand ball was inaugurated in a high-ceilinged apartment, whoseIndian frescoes, solid mahogany and cherry and white woods,exquisite purple and golden hangings, flowers and decorations,might have formed the groundwork for another Khubla-Khan. Myentrance (I was leaning upon the arm of the President) was thesignal for a profound sensation, if the society reporters were tobe credited; and well might the assembly stare, for my almostroyal suitor had caused me to be arrayed in a manner whicheclipsed all others of my sex. Her distinguished self was dressedin a new suit of soft black, sprinkled with diamond dust andfashioned in imitation of armor. And shall I describe what Iwore? Were it but to gratify the curiosity of the ladies, itshall be done.

My dress was of neutral-tinted satin and velvet, cut princessestyle. The front was caught up and shirred, and over it was agarniture of pale-red oleander blossoms caught back with wildpampas-grass. The corsage was a dark brown satin tunic, coveredwith pure gold lace six inches deep. The underskirt was looped upwith costly oriental black pearls. The bottom of the corsage wascaught up with a turquoise ornament of indescribable brilliancyand turned the satin round to the right side. A set of diamonds,including aigrette, ear-rings and arrow, with large sapphires asintermediate stones, finished off my toilet. This description istaken from the society journals. They all differed upon somepoints, so that in order to cover the grounds to the satisfactionof those who might feel inclined to criticise, I have attemptedto strike an average by selecting what to me seemed the salientpoints in each.

Her excellency's attentions to me, upon this high occasion,were so marked that I was little surprised by the subsequentrumor of our engagement. She introduced me invariably as "ourdistinguished guest and friend, General Gullible, from theAmerican republic; the bravest of the weaker sex of his country,of whose exploits you have heard much."

The highest officials in the land crowded about us, and manyan ardent glance was bestowed upon my queen-like self. Etiquettedemanded that, upon encountering these silent tokens of approval,I should for a moment hide my eyes beneath their lashes and gazeupon my heaving bosom.

I cannot say that I was delighted. While others swam in adelirium of joy, I seemed to hobble about upon purgatorial coalsduring the dance. The false position in which the laws of theland had placed me was not wholly responsible for my discomfort.It may be partially ascribed to a number of my own sex to whosecoldly-critical looks, supercilious airs, derogatory littlelaughs and downright scowls I was frequently subjected. Theyformed a truly siren-like group. Every one of them had killed hisdozen shehes, in the language of Cupid. They all panted after thePresident's hand. Their ambition was as boundless as their wealthand their own estimate of their beauty. But her excellency didnot deign to look upon them, and there was secret gnashing ofteeth.

The effeminate men-women in general both amused and disgustedme. A mathematician would have delighted to compute the amount ofcosmetics the dear creatures annually carried about upon theirfaces. Those who had just discarded immaturity—buddingdarlings who in America would part their hair in the middle,assiduously stroke an invisible mustache, stagger under thecombined weight of eyeglass, cane and watch-chain, and speak insugared drawl of young ladies who are dying for a glance fromtheir Adoniships—these interesting fellows seemedpeculiarly fitted by nature to their dress and occupation. Theyshone most conspicuously among their elder brethren, forming withthese a curious medley of giraffe-like beings in petticoats,endowed with Roman, aquiline and mongrel noses of generousproportions, big chins and inexpressive eyes. They clothed theircountenances in a perpetual simper of smiles when surrounded bythe numerous shehes in exaggerated pantaloons, stiff dress-coats,high collars, low foreheads, short noses, bulging eyes, and otherstrange physical proportions. These women-men atoned for theirdiminutive size by a conscious, almost swaggering superioritywhich gave the finishing touch to their prepossessing appearance.They professed to look down upon the males from a serious height,but nevertheless confessed to a worship of the latter frailcreatures at every opportunity.

"Ah, my dear," whispered one of these killing coquettes whom Imet in the conservatory, fastening on a bouquet which he had justplucked. "You have not yet learned half concerning the charminglife we lead. We are butterflies of fashion—every one ofus—no cares, no hardships, no sorrows beyond our loveintrigues and the worry to find something new to wear. True, timesometimes drags wearily, but that is due to our own fault, forthere are many diversions provided for heshes, as well asopportunities for a higher cultivation of our intellectualpowers, were we not generally too bored to take advantage ofthem. Our most common time-thieveries are music, singing, lace-work, art-needlework, artificial flower-making, drawing, painting(two kinds), and the decoration of pottery. Once a month most ofus enter the kitchen and learn something about the making ofbread, cake and pastry. Then we have our letters to write (it isquite common to have a dozen shehes desperately in love withyou), our balls, parties and other amusem*nts, our charitablesociety meetings, our choir practice, our church fairs andfestivals. Our chief distraction, however, consists in teasingthe shehes, dear, delightful little sheep, who propose upon theslightest encouragement and swear a hundred times that they willdrown themselves like kittens if rejected. Poor things, they findout, all too late, that we require a good deal more winning thanwe are worth.

"But, heigho! what ungrateful mortals we are. Instead ofworrying them out of their wits we ought to feel grateful tothese victors in the great revolution, which they never tire oftelling about. Had it not been for their self-sacrificingwillingness to attend to the rough side of life, we should tothis day be groaning like slaves in harness, dragging the cars oftime, and state, and government, and such things, as did ourancestors. Why grudge them the little glory of their politicswhen we are the real rulers—those of the heart? True, poor,deluded things, they imagine themselves more fortunate than we. Iunderstand that some of our ancestors objected to the newarrangement on the ground that it is not in accordance withnature, but we know better, don't we? Does not the heshe amongthe bees—the drone—spend his time in the idleenjoyment of life while the shehes gather the honey? and does notthe heshe among the fowl wear the gay plumage, and air hisfinery, while the shehe drudge attends to the laying of eggs?

"Not among the least things for which the shehes deserve ourgratitude was their act of kindness in banishing half our sex,for with so many fellow-enslaver there would be but half as muchgame for each breaker of shehe hearts. Since adopting theirpresent style of clothing—they wore ours once, you know,although I was too young at that time to remember much aboutit—they are said to be much more amusing. And that remindsme of a funny incident which happened the other evening at thegrand ball given by the Imperial Order of Crowing Hens—butdo not allow me to detain you by talking so much, my dear. No?Well, I shall tell you all about it.

"I had been invited to attend by that dear, delightful, dumpylittle Professor Battlesnail from the Dixit college. She promisedto meet papa and myself at the library and escort us to thescene, but, failing to arrive in time, we went alone. When shemade her appearance in the assembly at last I gently rebuked herfor being tardy and requested her to see what o'clock it was.Judge of my horror when she pulled from her vest pocket, beforethe élite of the capital, a monstrous frog! My nerveswere so unstrung by the shock that I thought seriously offainting, and there is a strong probability that I should havedone so, had not Lysander Jones, dear old duck, with the readyinstinct of our sex, requested one of the shehes to bring a glassof water. Then we all screamed in chorus, and ProfessorBattlesnail, with face of lobster hue, threw the unlucky reptileout of the window. I was so agitated that I could not saypositively how many half-concealed swear-words she uttered. Andto think that I might have danced many times that afternoon withthat nasty frog pressed against my bosom! I thought it was atrick on the Professor's part—at least I pretendedto—and refused to dance the next waltz, as well as thecoming lancers, with the unhappy dog. Later in the eveningBlanche Funnipunster, an amusing friend of mine who belongs tothe Paragraphic Society, explained to me, laughing like a maniacall the while, that the Professor had confessed the joke and thatit would make the best half-column that had appeared in theWitslayer for a month and give that jackass, Hortense Tickleribof the Cudgel, the greenest envy that she had known for many aday. It appears that the Professor, who is a naturalist, passed apond while on her way to meet us. Spying a frog of unusualbeauty—to scientific eyes—she pounced upon it for afriendly examination. Pulling out her four-hundred-dollar goldwatch and timing the captive's pulse, she became so absorbed inthe experiment that upon recollecting the lateness of the hourand my probable rage, she threw the frog—no, thewatch—into the water and pocketed the reptile."

By this time I had grown rather weary of the rapid utterancesof my interesting acquaintance, who was a person of considerablerank, his aunt being the present Secretary of State. He wasluckily at that juncture, sought by the identical Battlesnailwhose deplorable adventure he had been relating. I, too, wasexpecting a summons from the President, who had given me leave-of-absence to seek a few moments of rest among the cooling fernsand flowers. While bending over a choice exotic and admiring itsfragrance, I heard approaching footsteps. Turning, I beheld, notthe President, but a pale, clerical looking woman who handed me aletter. I opened it and read:

"Professor Dixit presents her respectful compliments toGeneral Gullible and begs an interview upon a most importantsubject. General Gullible is aware that Professor Dixit is, bylegal obstacles, for the present debarred from exploring what shefirmly believes to be a phoenix. Hers, unfortunately, is not theexclusive theory entertained in scientific circles in regard tothe phenomenon. She has a powerful rival who has this day vowedto prove by actual demonstration that the phoenix theory is wrongand another theory correct. Professor Dixit has in her possessionsuch information as would enable General Gullible to circumventthe machinations of this enemy, and, at the same time, render hera revenge which she is personally prevented from wreaking. Beingunder secret surveillance in public, she is unable to visitGeneral Gullible, and therefore requests him to meet the bearer,to-morrow evening, three hours before downy-iris, at such placeas both shall agree upon; said faithful messenger to conduct saidGeneral Gullible to a secret spot where said Professor Dixitshall be in waiting, ready to divulge in strictest confidencewhat she has dared only to hint at upon paper."

After a few moments of well-feigned musing, I said to thenervous, almost trembling messenger:

"I will meet you, at the hour named, near the grand fountainwhich we see playing yonder in the park."

CHAPTER XVII.

General Gullible's Pilgrimage to the Jaws ofDeath—Discomfiture of Pantaletta and her Fellow-Conspirators—"Now is She mad, indeed," said Razmora, half-mournfully.

"Let us rest here for a short time; you look verytired—indeed you do," said my guide, with an earnestnesswhich disarmed denial.

A SINGULAR change had come over this curious specimen ofthe new humanity. At our meeting by the great fountain she hadoffered me her arm with a display of gallantry and vivacity ofmanner which I, as one of the helpless sex in petticoats, couldnot resist. While passing over the hard, smooth walks of the nowdeserted park, amid the bright flowers, shrubbery and trees, shehad chattered incessantly of such trifles as she seemed to thinkwould interest me. After we had proceeded perhaps a mile, andupon coming to a little valley, her only too plainly forcedhilarity was already on the wane. We passed down the hill andascended the opposite elevation, going by a natural summer houseof curiously-trimmed trees, through which the wind sighed with amysteriousness that was not lost upon my companion. When we hadleft it behind, and with it a curve in the pathway, she stoppedsuddenly and listened. "Are you sure," she asked, "that we arenot followed? I am almost certain that I heard footsteps in thedistance just now, and it is not the first time since ourdeparture from the fountain." I, too, had seemed to hear thecrackling of a twig, now and then, but, feeling secure with mypistols and sword close at hand, I made no mention of it andreassured my timorous protector. We proceeded—now pastgolden-tipped hedges; past nut-trees laden with shells full ofsweet meats; past swamps where the frogs let loose their sudden"jugorums" in the deep shadow of prodigious bushes which wereladen with delicious blueberries. Presently we ascended a steephill. There was a very lonely ravine beyond, the guide informedme, and there Professor Dixit was in waiting. During the ascenther pale face had grown ghostly. She looked behind us severaltimes, assuring me again and again that we were followed, andleaned so heavily upon my arm at last that I feared she was aboutto faint.

It was at this juncture that she uttered the remark with whichI have introduced the subject of our pilgrimage. We seatedourselves, for a few moments, and I busied myself with arefractory hair-pin, in order that I might not be obliged tonotice her agitation.

"And now we must give the signal by which I am to inform herof our approach," said the guide, when we had reached the top ofthe eminence. "I am not a great success at whistling—willyou please try it for me?—three times, short andshrill."

I coolly complied with her request, while her teeth fairlychattered and her eyes became distorted with secret apprehension.Did she dread only what was about to happen, or did she feardeath at my hands when I became aware of her deceit?

Far down in the hollow, beyond a musical brook, where the tallgrass nearly obscured the path, the shrubbery parted and the highhat of Professor Dixit made its appearance, followed by herdainty person. She signalled for me to approach and for the guideto remain behind, to the latter's inexpressible relief.

I descended boldly into the glen, keeping my hands carelesslyin the vicinity of my concealed weapons, secretly wondering wherethe enemy lay.

I had just crossed the brook when, from a thicket on each sideof the path, half a dozen dragoons or guards—such as I hadmarveled at so greatly upon my arrival in Petticotia—rushedupon me. Each had a large blanket in her hands, but noweapon.

I drew my sword with lightning rapidity about my person,slightly wounding one of the Amazons, before she was aware of themaneuver, and disconcerting the rest.

A deep-mouthed exclamation, and Pantaletta, too, boundedforth, sword in hand, and advanced toward me. She had witnessedthe ill success of her ambuscade, and almost foamed at the mouthwith rage thereat.

Just then a counter-cry resounded through the glen. It camefrom friendly throats. Still defending myself effectively Iglanced about me and beheld Dandelion and several female officersof the law binding the unfortunate guide, while Razmora cameflying to my assistance.

At his approach all my assailants, with the exception ofPantaletta, fled with howls of dismay, and a movement in theleafy bower from which the professor had signalled to me,indicated that that worthy and her brood were also rapidlymeasuring the distance between danger and safety.

"What, hag of hell-fight?" cried Razmora, upon beholdingPantaletta's attitude. "Have at you then! I took an oath, in thedays before chivalry was on its last legs, never to war withwoman, but you are not woman—you are devil. Defendyourself, therefore, would-be-man—she-dragon—witch—harridan!"

The mutual onslaught was terrific. Pantaletta expended all herwrath in blows and answered her assailant, clang for clang, uponthe ringing steel.

Suddenly a change came over her demeanor, however. She droppedher sword and refused to continue the combat. "I see that youwould murder me, Razmora—I see it in youreyes—something tells me so!" she exclaimed, sinking uponthe greensward in an exhausted state.

"Murder?" roared Razmora—"murder you?—Not I! Thatis your trade—you came here to murder my friend, as youmurdered your own! Captain Pouter died by accident, Ibelieve?"

Pantaletta sprang to her feet as if touched by an electricshock. Her eyes were wild and glaring.

"Officers, draw near," continued Razmora, addressing those ofhis party who were in authority. "Arrest her upon the charge ofmurder preferred upon the affidavit of Sergeant NancyLeffingwell. Sergeant Leffingwell, advance."

Pantaletta, upon hearing this dire announcement, retreatedseveral steps and cowered against the very boulder upon which shehad rested while planning the present disastrous exploit.

"No, no, no; you do not mean it—you are trying tofrighten me, because I am a shehe! It is a falsehood, I repeatit—a falsehood so black that it obscures the fairbrightness of the day! We quarreled; she drew her angry swordupon me—so, but when about to run me through, she stumbledand fell. See, is not my blade in its sheath? and hers is full ofblood. Call the troops, sergeant—summon the doctor! Hold,sergeant, you saw her fall, did you not, dear, good sergeant?"Then, breaking into a fit of strange-sounding laughter: "Ha, ha,ha, ha! She knows nothing. Her head has become wooden—shecannot even wag it, much less talk. And yet there is a strangesignificance in her looks!" Here her eyes rested upon me: "Youthink it is right," she shrieked, "that we should have nonames—that we should be Mrs. John, James, Peter or Paul,just as we change owners! You would be sovereign, although youhave not a foot of territory and but one subject. It is a vulgarerror, I tell you, that love is to the shehe her whole existence.Make her independent of public sentiment, by showing her howworthless and rotten a thing it is... They say they do not wishto marry us; we reciprocate the wish... They say we cannotnavigate the seas—but many of us can help a drunken husbandto navigate the streets... Do you see that flag? It is to us butan ever-waving signal of the republic's ingratitude... Are theynot more attentive to shehes of rank, family and fortune, wholeast need their care, than to any other class? Do we see theirprotecting love extended to the helpless and unfortunate? .. Hethat can direct the lightning flash of the ballot-box is greaterthan he who possesses a continent of vapor, gilded with downy-iris. Give us the ballot, therefore, the ballot—the ballot!Away! I am none of your sewers on of buttons, darners ofstockings, makers of puddings! I stand before you, the rightfulrepresentative of the shehe, claiming a share in the halo ofglory which has gathered round her in the ages, and challengeyour admiration! ... Did not I myself strike the death-blow tothat monstrous fiction that the heshe and his consort are one andthat one the heshe? ... I look for the dawning of a higher erawhen the shehe shall assume her true position, in harmony withher superior organism, her delicacy of structure, her beauty ofperson, her great power of endurance, and thus prove herself notonly the heshe's equal, but his superior—"

"Foul tumblebug, forever rolling about the scum of deaddiscussions, cease your gabble!" exclaimed Razmora,impatiently.

Without realizing the import of these remarks, or evennoticing her foe, Pantaletta gave vent to another peal of ghastlymerriment, and, staring into vacancy, continued her weirdmonologue:

"I tell you, Dixit, my little imp, he cannot escapeus—he cannot. I shall be there with half-a-dozen of mydare-devils, and they shall gently smother him—yes,smother, smother, smother—ugh! So—so; in this mannerthe skin will not be disfigured by bullet-rip or sword-gash... Heis a noble specimen—a truly royal specimen. Strip him,minions; strip him! Aye, there—is he not perfect? AnApollo, and to come to such base uses, say you? Hear them, yefuries! Will you talk thus and make the world stop its ears ordiscover our dark secret! ... Take him, Dixit, braveimp—what, you shudder?—your white hands are afraid ofcold meat? Order your myrmidons, then, to bear the preciousburden—gently, gently; do not dare to let a twig scratchhis features—this way, this way, where the trees are highand arched... Great heavens, will you expose the corpse to thepublic gaze! Throw another coat over his face—why will hisvillainous countenance still remain visible and grin defiance atme! Hide it! Hide it! ... Good people, stand aside and let uspass—one of the gentle students climbed a crag for a rarespecimen and lost her footing. She is severely hurt, but notdangerously. We bear her to the college where she will receivekind attention... Back, back! you must not see her face. Throwanother cloth over it and keep the light from penetrating to hereyes, or she will remain blind... Aha, Dixit, little imp, is thisartfulness? is this craftiness? I'll warrant you they will needswalk fast to catch up with Pantaletta... Keep the shutters closedtightly. May the devil (if there be a devil) seize those pryingeyes! And now, candles, candles, more candles! He is cold at lastand ready for your work. To it, butchers; here is the recipe, andbetter mummy was never prepared from other directions... One,two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine—where isthe tenth? Ah, yes, here he is—ten; you cannot guess howmany of these good Smilax furnished, but we had to sew theirheads on again, and that is a defect—eleven, twelve,thirteen! They are all here. One ambition I have wrenched fromyour snarling teeth, oh relentless world—from you who neverhonored me even so much as to place my portrait on a postagestamp! Thirteen at supper—but no worms shall come nearthem—file your teeth in vain, oh feasters upon deadhumanity! This is not your banquet, but theirs. It was preparedby jealous hands and will last for centuries. They say thirteenis an unlucky number—we shall see which one diesfirst—ha, ha, ha! Would you read the bill of fare, goodthirty-ninth century people? Here it is engraved upon a diamondplate; 'Embalmed by Pantaletta'—that is myself, goodpeople—'first nominated Shah of Sheheland; forerunner ofthe new creation which took its rise in her days: Thirteenperfect specimens of the heshe in his wild and unnatural state:handed down to future ages as relics of the barbarism of thepast... Murder? Who says I am guilty of murder? What, you dare toconvict me? But how will you carry out the sentence? I will notcut off my own head—I would be a fool—a monstrousfool... Ha! There is the block—there is the ax—thereis another arm to raise it! Mercy! Mercy! Mercy!"

With this wild, despairing appeal she swooned away. Theofficers silently proceeded to bind her hands and feet.

"Now is she mad, indeed," said Razmora, shaking his head half-mournfully. "There was no simulation in those words andlooks."

CHAPTER XVIII.

The President of Petticotia makes an UnhappyVow and General Gullible a Rash Promise—Certain Optionsregarding the North Pole are Confirmed—A Ray of Hope forthe American Eagle.

I HAD of late acquired a habit of taking my dailyexercise among the marble columns beneath the great dome whichoverlooks a secluded wing of the palace. Here, attired in myrightful habit, alone and at ease, I could wander and think,allowing my spirit to roam undisturbed, to a distant land wherethe hearts of my countrymen are beating. Ah, what weak yearningssometimes stole over me, during those hours of self-communion,only to be strangled by the remembrance of my sentence.

I had sought refuge in this accustomed spot, one evening, whenthe excitement over the events narrated in the last chapter hadnot yet subsided. The newspapers were at last in possession ofsome of the facts and the sleuth-hounds of the press busilyengaged in scenting out the exciting mystery. Having a profoundcontempt for Petticotian journalism, which had so flagrantlymisrepresented me upon several occasions, I did not condescend toprovide the scribes with an opportunity to tell the truth byplacing information at their disposal, thus revenging in ameasure, the wrongs I had suffered at their hands. They besiegedmy quarters in vain, sending up card after card, which was ineach instance, politely returned. The guards had strict orders toadmit no one to my presence unless I desired it. These custodiansof the palace were not altogether useless, although rather anexpensive luxury. Their chief duty was to keep at bay the office-seekers who were wont to overrun the premises like rats beforethe proper precaution was taken, fastening their greedy clawsupon every person who was suspected of having any influence withthe chief magistrate.

I had lost myself in my wonted reverie, under the marblearches, and was pacing slowly to and fro, now drawing heavyclouds from a soothing cigar, now recollecting something from mycollege reading about

"Long and lonely colonnades
Through which the ghost of freedom stalks,"

when I became aware of footsteps approaching lightly over therichly tessellated floor. I turned and beheld the President, inwomanly attire, holding out her hands and smiling faintly.

"Ah, I have found you at last, dear General," she said. "Icalled at your quarters but found them deserted. What, stillimmersed in thought?—I hope I am not intruding. And what isyour subject?—still that theory of an earth within anearth, which you promised to explain to me more fully? But nevermind; I have news which you will not find in the journals uponyour table. Pantaletta has been adjudged hopelessly insane by thesecret commission and will be placed in private confinement.Professor Dixit has leave-of-absence to pass a year abroad forthe benefit of her health. Her confederate, who guided you to themurderous spot, has been released, as there will be noproceedings in court against the criminal-in-chief. And this isnot all; Congress adjourned late this afternoon, but the sessionhas been so protracted that there remains but little time for thepublic festivities which the country usually indulges in beforegoing into winter quarters. Soon the six month lamps and torcheswill be lighted in order that we may defy the darkness whichcreeps forth from the hollow caverns of the earth. In a few weeksall our heshes in the east will have made way for the shehes ofthe west. You too, my dear General, will fade into nothingness,and the space of one hundred and eighty-two weary days must passbefore I see your countenance again. I shall roam these lonelyhalls day after day, like a poor cursed spirit that knows norest. I shall seek you everywhere—a hundred times shall Ifeign to believe that you are but hiding from me in anotherapartment, and so pass the space we now call day, in searchingfor you. I will kiss every trinket that I dare hope your handshave touched—I will sit for hours where you have sat, and,peering out into the inexorable darkness, see in my fancy thesights your dear, dear eyes have gazed upon. I shall yearn foryou as you yearn for freedom and those who are strangers to me. Ishall dream of you when the downy-iris, bursting through the inkyveil each time the space now known as day is run, lulls my wearybrain to rest. I shall pray before lying down that I may bepermitted to dream that you are happy and thinking of me. I shallcaress your picture until, I am afraid, it will be worn and fadedby my tears and kisses. Oh, the tenderness which will go out fromthis disconsolate frame for you, when you are far away! Everynerve will be strained for your return, while I eagerly count theminutes by a quickly ticking clock. And must this yearning andthis waiting be in vain?"

She ceased, for her voiced had become tremulous, her bosom washeaving and a vagrant tear escaped from the heaven of her eyes.For a moment she stood gazing at me in a dazed manner, then withsudden energy she drew nearer and, pointing to the zenith aboveus, cried out:

"No, no, it must not—it shall not! Here, before highheaven, I swear that upon your return you shall set the day ofour nuptials, or I die! Call it not a rash resolve—alover's vow, easily broken, unrecognized in the catalogue of sin.It seems to me that I am more deeply in earnest than mortal everwas—my whole tortured being bounds into that utterance whenI say, I die unless our marriage day is set upon your return. Iwould reswear it ten thousand times in the most horrible formulasby which human being ever recorded a vow. During each spacebetween downy-iris and downy-iris, locked within my choicestapartment, I shall devote a few minutes to the erection of afuneral pyre. Slowly the fragrant yellow sandalwood, the sweet-scented gums and other costly combustibles will be put together,while I bedew them with my tears and bless them as my deliverersfrom that fiercer hell which would burn my heart to ashes were Imade desolate by your rejection. How often, alas, have I beentempted to destroy us both. Then, perchance, I would dream thatyou carried me away in your arms, like some glorious lover ofold, and locked me safely in your Eagle, which skimmedthe blue waters of the ocean, oh, so lightly! and my jealous moodwas past. Why have you never asked me to fly with you from thisspell-haunted land in which I cannot win your heart? Would I notgladly give up everything and become the humblest American foryour sake? I can no longer live without some small return for myall-absorbing love—I cannot and I will not!"

I calmed her as best I could, promising in sheer desperationto comply with her wishes, for I greatly feared she was losingher reason. Then, in a transport of joy, she fell upon my breastand murmured blessings.

All that night I sat and watched the downy-iris, for sleepreclined not his rosy cheek upon my untouched pillows. Wildthoughts coursed through my brain as I drank in the color-melody.While I mutinied against that fate which seemed drawing thePresident and myself slowly into an awful vortex, I alsoexperienced other sensations. I had gradually found confirmed,beyond a doubt, the seemingly chimerical theory with which Ibecame imbued shortly after my arrival in Petticotia. It wasthis: "I have not only discovered the North Pole, which is inreality a bottomless gulf, but am now in the great hollow towhich it serves as an entrance and huge window—I am in theinterior of our globe."

With this certainty came the renewed desire to convey theglorious intelligence to America. Already I seemed to hear thecannon roaring, and the glad bells pealing, from ocean to ocean;already—but, alas, I sat as helpless as a child, for myair-ship was still unrepaired.

Razmora and Dandelion, I felt convinced by our conversationsupon the subject, would be only too happy to assist me inrenewing the strength and usefulness of the Eagle, weretheir hands not shackled by infamous laws and customs. I alsobecame conscious of a new certainty, and that was, that, were Ito broach the subject to the President, she would readily exerther influence in removing the shackles in question, now that Ihad partially released her from her self-imposed mental rack. Buthow was I to inform her that I knew her secret history—thatI was acquainted with her father—that he was my dearestfriend! I cared no longer how, but resolved to do it.

At an early hour next morning, ere my resolution could weaken,I laid my explanation and request before her excellency. Contraryto my expectation, she was not much surprised by myrevelations.

"Ah," she exclaimed, shaking her finger playfully, "do yousuppose that you could hide any secrets from a love like mine? Itis my turn to confess: I have played the spy upon you untilremorse almost killed me, but jealousy impelled me on. I havebeen acquainted with almost every step you have taken without thepalace walls, although I did not always play the detestable partof the watcher in person. I saw that you visited the unfortunate,but still dear, relative of whom an unkind fate has deprived meforever, and I said to myself, 'It is well; let him linger nearthe honest, manly bosom that so fondly sheltered me inchildhood's happy hours. I shall feel better to know that my loveenjoys a confidence—an inestimable privilege—which isdenied me.' I gradually felt more at ease over your going out andwas glad that you found diversion in that at least. Only once wasmy confidence shaken—only once did I doubt your honesty ofpurpose, and I shudder to think how nearly it cost you your life,for I was wrong in my wicked suspicion. It was upon the eveningthat Pantaletta went mad. These eyes were upon you when you metthe student at the fountain. The words of the atrocious tempteragain danced before me in letters as red as blood: 'Or let ussuppose that he should prefer his freedom to a gilded cage andanother shehe to yourself.' My senses reeled, my heart was in mymouth, but I followed you, stealthily as might an avengingspirit, resolved to kill you with a ball from this dainty weaponwhen I became convinced of your guilt. Had you but kissed her, orallowed her to kiss you, I should have fired without hesitation.I pursued you at a safe distance, and when you had descended thelast hill of your journey I became a horrified spectator of whattook place."

When she had regained her composure, her excellency assured methat my request should be granted. It was by no means an unheard-of thing for heshes, by special permission, to engage in thepursuits of the shehes, for a time. "This very palace," said she,"was erected under the supervision of heshes."

It was arranged that we should take the Eagle with usinto winter quarters and repair it at our leisure.

When I broke the good news to my friends, there was joy inRazmora hall.

"And now," remarked Razmora, after my announcement had beenfully digested, "allow me to speak a word or two in behalf of SirArchibald. He has grown gray as an inventor. He is a true geniusand a philosopher. As may be naturally inferred from hisillustrious descent, he is not lacking in valor; yet so absorbedwas he in his scientific pursuits in days gone by, that theenemy, after storming the city, might have made him prisonerunawares. Though hampered during the greater part of hisexistence by a truly fiendish wife (who happily burst a blood-vessel during a debate upon the tyranny of man) he has perfectedmany notable improvements. He has privately expressed his opinionthat everything necessary for the restoration of your mechanicalbird could be obtained in Petticotia, and that, with very littleassistance, he himself would undertake to repair the rent in theouter covering. He freely volunteers his services, as I do mine,and the only reward he craves is that he be allowed to accompanyyou, at some future day, upon a voyage around this world of oursand into the arctic regions, in order that we may have ocularproof that, as you say, there lies an eternity of space beyondour own small hollow."

As may be imagined, this request I readily promised to grant,as well as any others that lay in my power.

CHAPTER XIX.

After a six Months' Sojourn in the Shades,General Gullible triumphantly reenters Sumar Viteneliz—Hisscheme for the Social Salvation of the Men-Women—He isAffianced to a Lovely Being whom he can never Wed.

THE Petticotians reverence an ancient myth, wherein it isrelated that, upon the last day of the season of darkness, afair-haired god, clad in shimmering armor, leads a bright host toengage in battle the great black demon of the nether world, thewings of whose army cause the darkness of one hundred and eighty-two days. This battle invariably results in the overthrow of thesable warriors, who are driven to their lairs in the bowels ofthe mountains, where it requires half a year to a day ere theyrecover from their defeat and become courageous enough to sallyforth anew. In six months to a day the black demon puts on hisarmor and surprises the now heedless forces of light. He glutshimself with revenge and then proceeds to establish his kingdom.But his triumph is short-lived, for the fair-haired god arrivesfrom a far country and again puts him to flight.

It was the morning of our return from the west, where we hadpassed the long half year of night. All nature was rejoicing overthe new-born season of day. The heshes, whose lords in the eastwere anxiously awaiting their return, hurried to the railwaystations, where many gaily-decorated trains stood in waiting. Thedepots in the larger cities were besieged by mammoth crowds, dayafter day, and the bustle and confusion was indescribable.

When the dwellers near the iron tracks beheld the luxuriouscoaches of those high in power at Sumar Viteneliz sweeping overthe plains and through the mountain passes, they noticed that thetrain was closely pursued by a bird, terrible in aspect and size,which glided majestically through the air. The colors ofPetticotia floated from its beak and no one dared to offer itviolence.

"Ah, this is glorious, glorious, dear general," exclaimedRazmora. Were I not a Christian, and a gentleman, I shouldworship the inventive genius of your country! When I look downfrom this eminence my pulse beats exultingly. I see the landscapeunrolling itself beneath us like a vast panorama; villages andcities are hugging the dust; man's soul soars, as if immortal,over their tallest spires. Behold the snail-like train has fallenstill further to the rear. How the people gaze! See them wavetheir fans and handkerchiefs."

Dandelion was studying the working of the machinery andapparatus with the intensity of an enthusiast. He acknowledgedRazmora's descriptive fragments with many nods of approval, butcould spare no time for a personal observation of the wondersbelow us. I regulated the motive power and dreamed of my firstjourney in the Eagle, while, in his cage in a corner,Chatterbox indulged in an occasional philippic against women.

The six months just concluded had not proved uneventful to thethree passengers in the clouds. Not only had we triumphantlyrepaired the American Eagle, but we had laid thefoundation of a mission which promised ultimately to accomplishthe social regeneration of Petticotia.

Soon after our arrival in the land of the darkness, Razmora,inspired with an old desire to rescue his countrymen from theirbondage, announced his intention of letting loose upon the fallencreatures the thunders of his eloquence. Being free from directfemale influence, he doubted not but they might be brought torepent in sackcloth and ashes. Convinced that an aggressivewarfare would end only in disaster, I counseled caution, andprevailed upon my impetuous friend to adopt another plan by whichwe might convey to the masses the truth in disguise and rekindlein them, unconsciously, the old spark of manhood. I wrote anumber of lectures on ancient history which we subsequentlydelivered, free of charge, before those—and there weremany—who listened for want of better employment during thelonesome hours of the season of night. These lectures were to theunsuspecting heshes what those newspaper articles which containskillfully concealed advertisem*nts are to the unwary Americanreader. I introduced into them what I knew about the heroes ofHomer, of Virgil—in fact, I bankrupted the mythologies ofthe world for heroic deeds which should display the properdignity of man. We contemplated the publication of a journal inthe interest of the heshes which should be mailed free to all whowould favor us with their addresses. In time, I argued with mycoadjutors, a foothold would be obtained upon the opinions of theheshes, and then the formation of a secret society, having forits object the reestablishment of the sensible and civilizedorder of things in Petticotia, would follow, as a matter ofcourse.

In order to accomplish this great aim the society need resortto nothing unchivalrous. Diplomacy alone would be necessary. Thestratagem which I proposed to lay before the secret brotherhoodwas a truly gigantic one. I would, as soon as possible after theformation of our society, order to be manufactured in America, afleet of twelve thousand air-ships, capable of carrying fivehundred passengers each. And at some future day, when my sentenceof imprisonment had expired, and we had a majority, or at leastthe more manly portion, of our fellow-men, enrolled in our cause,our trap should be sprung. Upon the day when the fair-haired godin shimmering armor should, as usual, drive the black fiend tohis caverns, there would drop from the brightening westernheavens, a cloud of conquest-bent Eagles, and such menas refused to enter, should be seized by our noble order and theAmericans in charge of each craft, and dragged in perforce.

Then a document, setting forth in iron terms the resolution ofthe heshes, should be submitted to the pantaloon-usurpers. "Theheshes desire to know at once," the document might say, "whetherthe shehes are prepared to reestablish the natural relation ofthe man and the woman, by renouncing forever their insane desireto be what they are not, thereby making possible the return ofour self-banished brethren from the diamond fields. Refuse, andsix million heshes, once more aroused to a sense of theirmanhood, bid farewell to their accursed land forever and becomecitizens of the United States."

"Depend upon it," I had repeatedly remarked, "after aseparation of six months, the majority of women would ten timesrather let diseased ambition slip than live husbandless for alltime and perish as a race."

The work was progressing in a refreshing manner—true,not as fast as it might be sketched upon paper, but stillprogressing. We had lectured over one hundred times and had inour possession a list of fifty thousand names of those who werewilling to receive our proposed journal free of charge. We hadcause for happiness, therefore, as we winged our flight towardsthe east.

The Eagle—which, unlike the railwaytrains—traveled during downy-iris as well as in thedaytime—to the no small astonishment of my friends—atlast approached the serenely gliding river upon whose banks SumarViteneliz arose fresh and white, like a bathing Venus. The entirecity was in holiday attire. Flags floated from every eminence,and the streets were made forest-like with decorations. Expectantshehes strutted about everywhere, anxiously awaiting the firstcargo of loved ones from the west. Thousands were still embarkingfor their homes beyond the western boundary.

The railroads were evidently coining money, although thegovernment had fixed a very low rate per mile during the semi-annual hegira. It occurred to me that travel by Eaglesmust certainly recommend itself to the inhabitants in time, and Iresolved, therefore, that as soon as specie payment was resumedin Petticotia, I would obtain a contract from the government forforty or fifty thousand specimens of this noble craft. This wouldnet myself and associates at home at least four or five hundredmillion dollars—quite a respectable sum—and furnishemployment to myriads of industrious American workmen.

Razmora, Dandelion and Chatterbox, were, by request, placedupon terra firma, before the Eagle entered thecity. I bade them a temporary farewell, and, after reascending toa great height, lowered my air-carriage directly in front of thepalace.

The decorator's art had been lavishly employed upon this swan-like structure, until it seemed a fit abode for elves andsprites.

When I alighted the street was so densely crowded that thePresident experienced much difficulty in conveying to me inperson her welcome. Her greeting was, I feared, a trifle warmerand more impetuous than the publicity of the occasion would seemto warrant. I hastened, therefore, to withdraw from the publicgaze, after making a very short address (in response to oft-repeated cries) in which I was careful to explain, withminuteness, the reason why I was enabled to arrive several hoursahead of the fastest railway train, although we had started fromour western reserve six days behind the same.

Late in the evening, when the superb festivities given inhonor of those who had arrived by the first train, and myself,were ended, I retired to my old quarters, a prisoner once more.In a few minutes the servant announced a visitor.

I knew the fatal meaning of that call, but lamented, too late,the fact that, during the excitement attendant upon the tediousrepair of the Eagle, and our missionary labors, I hadneglected to fortify myself for the present emergency.

When I looked up there stood before me once more a vision offemale loveliness, this time pale and anxious, in spite of themask of laughter under which it came gliding softly through thedoor.

Her excellency stood for a few moments, as far apart from meas she could bear it, and gradually her smile faded into pain;she advanced a step and, checking herself several times, seemedat a loss how to break the silence.

"I have come to know the worst," she said at last, in a voicewhich contrasted mournfully with the wild vivacity she haddisplayed at the banquet. "I cannot lie down to feel the horrorof another downy-iris of suspense. Here upon my bended knees Iimplore you, idol of my soul, to speak at once, and bid me liveor die!"

"Let me entreat your excellency to be calm," said I. "Restassured, the promise of a Gullible, once given, is sacred."

"What, you will keep your word—you will not bid merevenge myself upon myself for forcing from you your promise? Oh,Byron, my love, my angel!" and thus exclaiming she fell upon myneck, her frame swaying like a shapely sapling in the storm. Thenshe became very still, even motionless. The tax upon her nerveshad been too severe; she had swooned.

I summoned her faithful attendants and together we succeededin restoring her to consciousness.

With returning consciousness came remembrance. She gazed uponme with unutterable tenderness, while her countenance becamesuffused with the color of life. Suddenly she asked in a lowvoice which startled me very much:

"And when shall it be, my love?"

"What?"

"Why, our wedding-day."

"Oh—really—" I stammered, "there is no hurry."

"Oh, yes, there is! And you must appoint it, youknow—that is the privilege of your sex."

"Then let us say when my sentence expires," I suggested,anxious to gain as much time as possible.

She shook her head with a sigh. "It is too long to wait;besides, your sentence is no impediment, as you are under norestraint, excepting that you may not return to America beforeits expiration."

We finally agreed upon the first day of June, 1877, and then,as happy as a queen who has won a new kingdom, my strangelyaffianced, whom I could not marry without becoming a bigamist,softly stole to her apartments.

CHAPTER XX.

General Gullible obtains Permission to visitthe Countries of the Petticotian World, in order to conquer aSerious Depression of Spirits—After rescuing a Prisonerfrom the Clutches of Demoniac Savages, he is miraculously Enabledto Wed the President.

FOR reasons which would seem highly ridiculous to thePetticotian mind, I now fell into a deep melancholy. Our formalbetrothal was blazoned to the world at large, and the Presidenttook an insane delight in making me the all-conspicuous figure atnumberless affairs of state and society. She no longer took painsto conceal from the people her mad infatuation for me, her onlycare being to cause the time which intervened between the presentand our wedding-day to pass rapidly. But notwithstanding thewhirl of amusem*nts and social dissipations into which I wasplunged, my heart was heavy and I grew more sad each day, beingso constantly reminded of the sin which I was promising tocommit. I felt half guilty already, for my principles did notinclude the false one, that the end justifies the means. I couldnot bring myself to feel that I was at liberty to do wrong, evenif by that wrong-doing I saved a soul from greater sin. Ishuddered at the thought that I might find no means of honorableescape from my position before the fatal day approached.

Far be it for me to allow Old Hypocrisy to mingle his shadowwith mine by virtuously pretending that, had I been free tochose, I should have regarded as a calamity the prospect ofmarrying so beautiful and amiable a being as the President ofPetticotia. But I was already married, and the blood of mypilgrim ancestors bade me remember it.

The President viewed my depression of spirits with seriousalarm. She tried, with all a woman's tender arts, to find out andremove the cause of my sorrow. She wept and implored me to makeit known to her, and, at times, even gave vent to childishregrets that she had ever been born. She had a thousandsuspicions and they made her miserable.

Finally I bethought me of the advantages which travel mightafford a man in my situation. New scenes and incidents would notonly distract my gloomy thoughts, but by the aid of cooljudgments among other nations I might be enabled to circumventthe fate which seemingly awaited me.

Her excellency thought that travel might benefit my health,both in body and mind, and readily acquiesced in my suggestions.She gave me permission to fly, per Eagle, to all thecountries of the Petticotian world, and to wear my masculinehabit in the seclusion of my conveyance, exacting only thisstipulation: that the time of each voyage should not exceed fourweeks. I obtained permission, also, to take with me at any timeRazmora and Dandelion. These two gentlemen, I may remark inpassing, greatly marveled at my engagement with the President,for they, too, were aware that I was already a benedict. It wasnot until I made a full confession of all the circ*mstances whichhad led to my apparent villainy, that they could be induced toaccept the hospitality of my air-ship. Both were deeply movedwhen I had finished my recital and Razmora embraced me and weptlike a child.

The voyages I undertook were numerous. I made the circuit ofthe underworld and then singled out for closer observation thecountries which I judged, from reports of eye-witnesses, wouldprove most interesting. I was overwhelmed by the prodigality ofmy discoveries. I experienced so much that was wonderful that Idare not attempt a description, lest I should spin this alreadylengthy epistle out to thrice its volume. One incident and itsaccessories I cannot, however, pass over in silence. It occurredupon my fifth voyage, which I made alone.

I had passed several days among the self-exiled men ofPetticotia, in the wondrous diamond country, and next directed myflight southward until I found myself upon the great ocean whichcorresponds to our own Pacific.

One day's journey over the deep-blue waters brought me to alarge island, almost tropical in the luxuriance of its climateand vegetation.

I effected a landing in what seemed a totally uninhabitedportion of the little country; but no sooner had I set foot uponits shores than I was pounced upon by a ferocious animal. It wasat least sixteen feet in length and resembled the Americancougar, puma or panther. Totally unprepared for so terrible anattack, I was at first confused and at a loss how to act, but atlength, to my unspeakable relief, remembered the valorouscoolness with which our western hunters and trappers usuallydispatch such bloodthirsty brutes. Contrary to the habits of theAmerican man-killers, which usually fly at the throat of theirvictim, this one deliberately began eating me at the feet. Itsred jaws had just closed around my left leg when, with thenonchalance of a professional in such affairs, I drew my pocket-knife and, clutching my adversary by a velvet ear, drove theglittering steel out of sight into its warty bosom. The woundwas, of course, fatal. Dragging the victim of misplacedconfidence into my air-ship, I bound up my mangled extremity andwas about to close the door, when I beheld the mate of my lateadversary creeping towards me, its eyeballs glaring and its taillashing the ground. I was not anxious for another thrillingcombat, however, and rose swiftly into the mellow-beamingsky.

The day had perceptibly declined, by the watch, when I cameupon a rude-looking village of round huts, from each of whichissued a tiny column of smoke, in token of the evening meal whichwas in course of preparation.

As I approached nearer I could plainly distinguish a group ofmen upon a mound-like eminence which arose in the center of whatmight have been termed the square of the settlement. These menwere all dark-skinned, naked, and appeared to be muchexcited.

I was next horrified to perceive, in their midst, a whiteprisoner whom they had fastened to a stake. Several of the mostvaliant warriors danced before their captive, brandishing hugeclubs about his head, and one, who seemed to be the chieftain ofthe murderous band, was just preparing to light some fa*gots atthe victim's feet, when all became aware of the Eagle'sswift approach; for I swooped down upon them at full speed,determined to end their barbarous sport.

The consternation and terror of the recently so war-likesavages was ludicrous to behold. They fled through the streets,with many wild gestures, and even forgot the prisoner in theirprecipitate haste. When I landed only the aged and infirm wereleft to defend the village.

When I hurried to the assistance of the white prisoner I wasstruck with an amazement scarcely inferior to that which hadfallen upon the natives, for before me I beheld a man who sostrongly resembled myself, as regards features and size, that hadI been a disinterested spectator I might have vowed that we weretwins. His coarse hunter's garb alone dispelled the illusion thatI was staring at myself in a glass.

"For the Redeemer's sake!" he pleaded, "spirit of my departedbrother, do not leave me to continue in this torment, but deliverme from the clutches of these fiends. Take me to whatever regionyou inhabit—do with me what you will—let medie—but be pitiful!"

A sudden inspiration seized me. "Swear," said I, "by that Godwhom we venerate, that, in return for your rescue, you willperform what I ask of you."

He vowed with solemn fervor.

When I cut the cruel throngs which bound the unhappy man, Ibecame aware of the excruciating agony which he suffered. Notthat he had sustained any bodily harm, but his nerves and mentalfaculties seemed utterly unstrung. Once released, he tottered afew steps and fell into my arms as one dead.

Hastily conveying him to my ark of safety, I locked the doorand soared upward and homeward.

When I examined my unknown likeness again I discovered that hehad fallen into a deep slumber.

I arranged the sleeper's resting place, with a tenderness andinward joy I had not felt since my departure from my loved ones,and next began operations upon the noble wild animal which laystretched across my room. After removing the beautiful skin,which was soft and glossy, I dropped the carcass into the sea.The enormous covering of my dead enemy I intended as a presentfor the President.

One, two three days passed and still my strange counterpartslept. I spent many hours in watching his features, nowcontracted with pain, now stolidly defying his captors, nowpleading for a moment's rest, and now triumphant with the joy ofdeliverance. I felt his pulse and noted the beating of his heart;I tried to rouse him gently several times, but my efforts were ofno avail.

We were now fast approaching Petticotia's south-westernextremity, and I began to have serious misgivings for therecovery of my companion. At the end of the fourth day, to mygreat relief, he opened his eyes and asked for something toeat.

I brought him food and drink from my patent provision boxes,and after he had refreshed himself he gradually told me hisstory.

He was an explorer, a physician by profession, a native ofBelloland, and had several times made the circumference of theworld. His last expedition had proved disastrous, the savageshaving cruelly butchered and eaten all his followers and reservedhimself for a peculiar torture. The Trahlahlahians (for such wasthe name of these cannibals) owed allegiance to a peculiar devilwho demanded the annual sacrifice of a white human being, thevictim to be put to death in a lingering and atrocious manner. Ifthe person selected did not die with his eyes open—that is,through being deprived of sleep—the sacrifice was of noavail. Dr. Pythias (for such was the name of my unfortunatefellow passenger) passed fourteen weary days at the stake, havingfood and drink in abundance but being denied a moment's sleep.His captors, in order to prevent slumber from closing his eyes,resorted to numerous devilish stratagems. Their chief pastime, inwhich they relieved one another, was to howl the death-song ofthe tribe into his ears from downy-iris to downy iris. During thetime when all the world was locked in slumber deep, a vile drug,forcibly administered, kept the explorer in such horrible dreamsthat his prostration was even worse than if he had been wideawake. During the daytime, when they could keep his eyes open byno other means, they made apparent preparations to burn himalive. It seemed that no disfigurement of his person wasallowable, for they were very careful not to wound him.

"I was," he said, "in the midst of one of those frenzies whenit seemed as if I must sleep or die. I had almost ceased to hearthe maddening din of the hundred voices about me; I knew thatthey were preparing the fire test, to be followed by the throwingof ice cold water; and then suddenly I learned from theirexclamations of fright, that something unusual was transpiring. Ihad often tried to taunt them into an uncontrollable rage duringwhich, I hoped, they would dispatch me without ceremony. Morethan once the hallucination seized me, that if I could persuadethem to make an honest effort to kill me my rescue would becertain. This had always happened in the accounts of westernadventures which reached my native home in the old world."

"And what," I inquired of Dr. Pythias, "did the fiends saywhen I approached?"

"Oh, they were certain that it was the great Ghoo, or devil,in whose honor their orgy was instituted, and equally certainthat his offended infernal majesty was coming for a bloodypurpose. 'Arise and flee for the Ghoo is coming to Trahlahlah! Hecomes to eat us, because we have not accomplished the offeringfor which he hungers.' Thus they yelled and, while yelling, ran.But," Dr. Pythias continued, changing the subject, "what is thisstrange conveyance? Whither are you taking me, and what is it yourequire of me for my rescue—name it and it shall beperformed, even at the risk of my life!"

"The thing that I require of you," I replied, "is easy toperform and would bring happiness to monarch crowned. There isbut one possible obstacle, and I shall know whether that existswhen you answer this question: Are you married?"

And, while his eyes dilated in wonder, to my joy unspeakablehe answered, "No."

I then related my history, from the time of my departure fromAmerica to the hour of our meeting. I kept nothing concealed fromhim. When I had concluded he asked with a smile:

"And you wish me to marry the President?"

"That is the only service I shall require of you," Ianswered.

"Very well, I will do it," he said in a decisive way,"providing that she is not the reverse of what you have paintedher. Are you certain, however, that she will not see through ourdeception? It is true that, physically, we are as nearly alike astwo mortals can be, but there are some mental qualities to beconsidered—there is what some term the affinity of soul.But I will make the attempt, cost what it may. I have been toolong devoted to solitary, perhaps selfish, pursuits, and my lastexperience admonishes me that it is about time that I becamesettled in life."

During the remaining days of our journey I instructed him sominutely regarding the part he was to assume that he readilydropped into my character, and I had the rare opportunity ofconversing with myself when the mood seized me.

When we arrived on the outskirts of a large town I descendedand, unobserved by the inhabitants, succeeded in separating frommy companion, whom I left in charge of the Eagle. I alsosucceeded in purchasing a disguise which was so effective that,upon my return, the new General Gullible at first refused meadmittance, taking me for one of the many who had annoyed himduring my absence. The injuries which I had sustained in theencounter with the wild beast on the island had given me anadmirable lameness, as a beggar would say, and assisted not alittle in my transformation.

When Dr. Pythias issued from the second apartment, to which hehad retired to don my cast-off apparel, while the Eagleresumed its homeward flight, my satisfaction was complete. Iseemed to die, then and there, figuratively speaking, and tobecome an aged practitioner, leaning on my staff likeAesculapius, while before me, with all my former manners andpeculiarities, stood General Icarus Byron Gullible.

CHAPTER XXI.

The Conclusion of General Gullible'sNarrative, containing brief mention of the Happiness which befellboth Himself and the President of Petticotia—Dr. Pythiasbecomes the exultant Possessor of the American Eagle.

"AND how remarkably bright and handsome you look, mylove," exclaimed her excellency, after releasing General Gulliblefrom her sweet-scented embrace. "You have improved so much witheach successive voyage that now you seem fully ten years younger.Oh, I am so glad that you hit upon these travels; they have beenthe means of restoring you to health and myself to happiness. Butwhom have you here—who is this aged heshe?"

She had not noticed me in the first transport of her joy, as Isat in a corner of my old quarters and gazed with owl-likeintensity upon familiar scenes in the park. For a few momentsafter hearing her inquiry I trembled for General Gullible. Heseemed lost in the influence exerted by the ravishing creaturebefore him. Already he was madly in love with her. And why not?They seemed made for each other, and I but the mirror which for ashort time had reflected the image of one upon the radiant gloryof the other. I felt my heart resume its beating when he said, asif suddenly recollecting himself:

"Ah, I beg a thousand pardons for my thoughtlessness. Willyour excellency allow me—Dr. Pythias, an eastern physicianof much renown, with whom I had the good fortune to becomeacquainted upon the island of Trahlahlah."

Dr. Pythias arose and, despite his lameness, made a gracefulobeisance which was acknowledged by the President in a mostcharming manner. "Dr. Pythias," said she, "is thrice welcome toSumar Viteneliz as the friend and guest of him who is to becomemy consort."

"He is indeed a friend," continued General Gullible, "one whomyour excellency will esteem as I do when you learn that he is themagician who can make possible the fulfillment of our mutualhappiness. Had General Gullible no recollection of his nativeland he would love you as you do him. He would not postpone thewedding day a month, much less a year. The good angel who canmake all this possible is Dr. Pythias. He is the discoverer of awonderful medicine which, if taken in certain quantities forthree days in succession, will efface all recollection of pastevents and places so far as they interfere with the happiness ofthe candidate for oblivion. He is ready to administer to me thispeculiar decoction of lotus-leaves and promises to blot out frommy memory all personal knowledge of America and its inhabitants.In my gratitude I have already pledged him the AmericanEagle if he shall make good his words. I will now lay thematter before your excellency for a final decision. Theoperation, he assures me, involves no loss of faculties ordesirable knowledge."

Methinks I still see her tremble and stare as if crazed withsudden happiness. She covered her lover's countenance withkisses; she knelt to Dr. Pythias—to me—and bedewed myhands with blissful tears. "Oh, is this indeed true? Is it true,or is it but some rare pleasantry, designed to bear me for amoment to Elysium at the expense of untold misery? But no—Isee it by your reverend behavior—you are not mocking me,neither am I dreaming!" Such were her enraptured words.

And thus it transpired that three weeks later Sumar Vitenelizwas again decorated with all the extravagance so characteristicof its sybarite inhabitants.

Loudly and clearly the merry bells were ringing on the air.Grandly the organ of the most fashionable church was pealingforth a wedding-march.

And after the ceremony many of the little birds of the parkput their heads together on a bough near Dr. Pythias' window andpeeped slyly out of the corners of their eyes, as if to say, "Weknow you, old friend, in spite of your disguise, but never, nevershall we reveal our secret."

I sought Razmora and Dandelion, and, when we had locked thedoor of the Rookery, threw off my disguise. They were completelybewildered until, to their intense satisfaction, I related mymarvelous adventure on the Island of Trahlahlah.

I informed them that, although I was happily released from myhymeneal obligation, I could not leave Petticotia for my nativeland until the expiration of the sentence recorded against me inthe books of the Dress Reform and Social Ethics court. Thatsentence, as a commutation from one involving the death penalty,was unalterable and could not be shortened or cancelled byfurther pardon. As an honorable man, who had registered a vow toserve it, I felt bound, therefore, to keep my word. Herexcellency, I further stated, had prevailed upon myself (as Dr.Pythias) to name a gift which, she vowed, should be mine,whatever it cost, and count but as a slight token of hergratitude. Conscious, that in order to keep my identityconcealed, it would be advisable to leave the capital, I chose aresidence in a secluded western valley where the waterfallslaughingly tumble over precipices which seem to touch the sky,and where the scenery in general is suggestive of paradise. Inaddition to this property, with all its precious minerals, thePresident pressed upon me an almost princely annual allowance. Iinvited my friends to accompany me and was much pleased withtheir ready acceptance.

With ample funds to prosecute our labors for thereestablishment of the Petticotian republic; with theEagle to convey our proposed publication to the nearestcity, and to carry us to the remotest parts of the earth, ouroutlook was not an uncheerful one. Already I looked forward tothe day when my aerial army should arrive from the United Statesand gather into its maw the reasserted manhood of the dormantrepublic, there to keep it until woman should acknowledge hererror and repent.

The foregoing narrative was not written before I had decidedupon the manner of its transmission to my countrymen (togetherwith other papers of a private nature). At the present moment thegallant American Eagle, after having emerged from theunderworld at the North Pole, is bearing down upon Greenland.Dandelion sits awed and silent in a corner of our flyingapartment and taking copious notes in a large memorandum book.Without violating my oath—without even seeing America, Ishall establish communication with my countrymen, and throughthem send an electric thrill around the world, announcing theglad tiding—The North Pole is discovered and is ours. Inthe land of the Esquimaux I hope to find a messenger who willcarry the intelligence.

We have already fallen into good hands. I have promised theChief of the Society for the Astonishment of the World (which hasa station is this island) that these hurried lines, written inthe very excess of my joy, shall contain no informationconcerning his gigantic enterprise. For (to his scientific mind)most valuable considerations, he has promised to forward mypresent manuscripts, as well as all future communications, totheir destination.

And must I cease now and seal the package?

Oh, my native land, my soul goes out to thee, from these bleakand barren shores, in an unutterable longing which reaches faracross the everlasting snows! It is many months since Icommunicated with thee, land of my birth, pride of my Pilgrimancestors. Long seems the time since I stretched me under thyumbrageous trees and felt the gentle influence of they emeraldface. May no rude hand have disturbed they calm and lofty dignitysince we parted. May thy sons and daughters still be sons anddaughters, and thy men and women, men and women. And may the daynever dawn when amateur world-builders, or vaingloriousdemagogues, shall, out of thy matchless civilization, shapeabortions like the shehes and heshes of Sheheland!

THE END